Hilo

Hilo everyone

So it’s Sunday 28^th  of November 2010 today, also the first Advent today, and I went to church with my grandmother. And I must say I actually enjoyed going to church.

Let me start with that my 80 year old grandmother met up with her cousin, whom I presume is around her age as well and that cousins’ neighbor and they (cousin and grandmother) told me that the neighbor was young, and when comparing to the two of them I guess she was, since she was ‘only’ 68. It was entertaining listening to them talk, especially about the people that came, ‘He’s become old hasn’t he?’, ‘Look a lot of old ladies here.’ And seriously when two 80 year olds comments that there’s ‘old ladies’ around them, you can’t not laugh.

One of the priests talked about giving each other more time to give an impression, during those 30-60sec that we give each other now is maybe just a little too short time. He also told a story, about a missionary that was out in a dessert and his Jeep broke down, so instead of waiting by the car he started walking towards the village he was headed for. Some time later he was faced with lions, before they were to close he kneeled and prayed to God to help him, a few meters from him the lions stopped. They put their paws together and thanked God for the food. – Now that was not the story I thought he would tell, but there’s always two ways to anything. And I did enjoy that story. He made some other great point, which I at the moment can’t talk about since I’m working on them on my own.

So in the middle of me writing this I’m also trying to get my room in order, which isn’t an easy task I might add. However I am getting there, slowly, eventually I’ll be able to take up the Christmas things and decorate.

I’ve booked Sunday 12^th as my ‘Advent gathering’, so I have two weeks to get everything done – such as baking, cleaning and shopping.

I have however ironed the curtains and I hung them yesterday. I need to find pots for the flowers I bought the other day.

No actually it’s playing stupid games on facebook, cleaning, packing/unpacking and writing this.

Well I probably had something else to add. *shrugs* That will be another post then.

For now, be safe

With love

Sam

Blog "meme"

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about.

Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. (Or possibly one post that contains opinions on all the things I've been asked.)

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

It's not all that bad.

Was in school today ^^ Very happy C took it upon herself to drive me there :) Got a test on Friday, hopefully it will go just fine.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 10 with a social worker, about the informal estate inventory deed, at 11 I have my appointment with my counselor. At 1 school starts, 3 school ends. Looks like a fairly busy day tomorrow.

Went down to the laundry room to check it was free, it looked like no one was using it when I past it on my way home from school. And it was free. So me and my brother got a couple of hours that we can get some laundry done. Which is very neat, mostly since we have it on Friday again and then I won't have to choice between what to wash, since I won't have as much on Friday.

Got a lot of things on my mind right now, I'm very glad that I haven't broken down and started hurting myself, more then the fact I have trouble going outside. I am very thankful for my friends and my family, even if I might not show it.

My mood swings been worse as of late, but I can at least say that it's not been all bad. Not really. Even though when one of the bad times comes around and I feel like there hasn't been a good thing in years, it's not all that bad.

Still not really up from hanging out with people. Not for any longer period of time. One person is fine, more not so much. Very glad I have this weekend for myself (will probably have changed my mind by Friday *chuckles* ). Will spend it with cleaning, baking and Christmas decorate ^^

Well that's what I have for now.

Have a nice day everyone.
With Love
Sam

2010-11-22

Wrote the worst piece of paper ever yesterday, if I get a, um, C would be the same as our ”Godkänt” I believe, I will be surprised. That’s why one should never post pone your assignments!

Okay over to something else, I’ve been telling my friends, mainly guys, that when they do find someone they are interested in they should act on it, even if one of the other guys are interested as well. Yeah, and that kinda backfired on me. Live after your own teachings, yeah, guess I have some learning to do.

And my anxiety has gotten much worse, I can’t go outside. I’m afraid to go outside. I’m scared of going into a store. I feel nauseas when I’m meeting someone, or if I’m meeting pretty much anyone. My step suggested that I would go see a psychologist, and that idea is starting to sound better every moment that passes.

………… 

Sunday

I met with my 'whatnot' last Friday, we've decided on a plan that hopefully will help me with this. She suggested starting on the meds again, and some new meds as well, and with meds, meeting and stability. And hopefully this will work, but since it'll get worse before better I'm gonna be feeling like shit four a couple of weeks after I start with the medicine. Though, since I know this and my friends and family knows this, I'll have to remind myself as well I'll need the help of my friends and family to remind me that it will get better.

...
//Sam

Yeah...

So I've called the 'office' of my- whatever she is, and they would tell her my panic attacks have grown more frequent and gotten worse. She will decide if I need to see a doctor or not and she would call me. Whenever that happens I do not know.

I have to leave for school in an hour. I'm hoping it will go well. Since I have a test today and I really need this, school that is.

Hoping for better
//Sam

I need help.

I need help, because I can’t go through this every time I’m going to school. It can’t work like this, and I don’t understand why it’s like this.

It starts out okay, if I wake up with just enough time for me to get dressed and leave, anything more than that and I’m in trouble. Because more time means that I get that stupid voice in my head telling me that I can’t go, I should stay home, what’s the point, you’re a failure anyway so why bother, and then the nausea comes and now I can bare get out of bed. But I ignore it, I get dressed, I get ready because I can do this, and then I puke when I’m getting close to the front door. And the voice keep telling me, I told you so, there’s no point for you to try, you are nothing, you have always been nothing and you will always be nothing. Why try and change that? People can’t change, they lie and deceive but never change. Just like you, you lie to your friends and family, you are not strong, you are not better, you’re still the same girl that loathes herself and wishes herself to be dead. And I try not to listen to that voice. I try but I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed.

I’m not in control over my own body, I want to walk out the door but somehow I can’t, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do, the things that worked before ain’t working no more.  I’m hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop, I need school, I need to get good grades I need to be there. Failing is not supposed to be an option…

Happiness ^^

Today was a great day, some things did go wrong, some things made me sad and I wanted to curl up and cry under my cover, but besides that it was great day.

I spent most of today with two friends of mine, took a boat trip, had lunch before it and had dinner before it. Oh and I ate breakfast this morning :O
I could use a pair a pants that was to small this summer. ^^

Tomorrow me and one of my friends leave for my aunt and uncles :) Haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them a lot. They are a part of my family, a big part of my family, even if I don't get to see them that often they are amongst the most important persons in my life.

I'll be going to bed now, hopefully I wont have to wake up 'cause I have to puke or have trouble sleeping 'cause I could be better off if I did.

Update

So what's been going on?
Well school has started and I am currently trying to work on the Swedish assignment, not going so well. Got math tomorrow.

Went to "Moonfest" this weekend, it was awesome, to say it in one word. Met nice people, drank a lot, and had loads of fun ^^

Going to RAW Comedy Club on Saturday with my best friend. ^^ Looking forward to it.

What else. Um. Not much I can tell here. So for now

'til next time
Sam

Not something I want, need or care for.

So I haven’t been completely honest with people around me, and the only explanation for that is, I haven’t been honest with myself. Thus it’s a little hard to be honest with others when you’re not even honest with yourself.

I’ve been complaining a lot lately, mostly I’ve been bitching about my ‘love life’, though there has been little reasons for bitching about it. It’s been my escape-goat. And thus I haven’t put all my efforts into correcting others when they say something that doesn’t match up with how things really are for me.

So I’m asking the people around me that have been bashing on my ‘partner’ to please stop. It is uncalled for.

Whatever is between the two of us, is just that, between the two of us. I am sorry for ‘dragging’ others into it, it turned into something ugly. I wanted to tell someone, I wanted someone to talk to, and now it turned into this bashing against him.

Bashing him for things you say are ‘wrong’, when it is not up to you to decide that. We are not nor will we be boyfriend and girlfriend. We just are what we are. Now if that upsets some of you then too bad for you. I will not stop seeing the one person in this world that makes me feel safe, comfortable, relaxed, and liked, all at the same time, just because You decided that what WE did was wrong. And that the fact I WAS hurt is reason enough to bash him, someone You said were your friend, is not enough.

I am in a way honored You don’t want me to be hurt, but You also say that all you want is for me to be happy. And guess what, he makes me happy.

Yes he has hurt me, and he will most likely do something to hurt me in the future, and so will anyone else. You can’t please everyone all the time.

Nothing comes with just one side.

So this is me telling you to stop, I don’t want to hear how ‘bad’ he’s been treating me when he’s the reason I can get up in the mornings, I don’t want to hear about how he doesn’t like me when he’s the one that got me to realize I deserve more than what I had been given. So stop back-talking him when he is supposed to be a friend of Yours as well.

I’m glad you care, but Your negativity is not something I want, need or care for

http://elysium11.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/tired-drama/

Old friend

It's nice meeting with old friends :) Especially when they get you in a better mood, get you to laugh about the one thing that has been worrying the shit out of you. :)

How do you move on?

Someone got a suggestion?

How do you move on? When the one you love doesn't love you? How do you move on? When you've been hurt, how do you move on?

Easy, right, cut them out of your life.

Yes freaking easy when it's supposed to be your best friend and if you cut that one out you'll cut so many else out in the process.

Love sucks!

Sure I'm dating, but that doesn't make the thoughts stop. The first thing in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.

Some of my friends tell me that he's not worth it. He has hurt me to much.
Some of my friends tell me not to stop talking with him, since he's my friend.

So what do I do? I apparently get drunk, complain about it and hope to whatever there might be that I can be strong enough to do anything about it.

Work in progress.

”So if I asked, would you say ‘Yes’?” She asked him, as they walked towards her home.
“Asked what?” She sighed.
“What have we been talking about for the last couple of minutes?” He looked at her with an raised eyebrow. “ A date, perhaps?”
“Oh.” He said looking straight ahead again, they said nothing to each other and a few minutes later, they walked through her front door.
“You want coffee?” She asked, walking into the kitchen putting the groceries in the fridge, and starting with the coffee before his ‘Yes, please’ answer from the other room could be heard.

She gave him his cup and sat down next to him in the sofa, pulling her legs up and sipping on her tea; “Yes.” She looked at him, questioning what he just said, “Yes I would go out with you on a date.” She smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder as he placed his arm around her.


A night they’d decided to meet with an old friend of hers that was back in town; “So how long have the two of you been an item?” Her friend asked as he left to get them another drink.
“We’re not together.” She stated, her friend raised an eyebrow which she noticed; “We’re friends.”
“But there’s something, right?” Her friend continued.
“No, will probably never be either. I mean I love him, probably more then I should and more than I’m allowing myself to see. Yeah I know it doesn’t make much sense.” Her eyes went back to him, where he was standing in the bar.
“I’ve known you for years, and I’ve never seen you as happy as you are together with that dude, honestly, do something about it.”
“Nothing to do, he knows I love him and he doesn’t love me like that.”
“Wait, he knows how you feel about him,” she nodded, “and he’s not keeping his distance or taking advantage of you?”
“I’m the one taking advantage of the situation, not him. And sure it’s screwing me up when it comes to meeting someone else, since I’m comparing them all to him and how he makes me feel and yet there’s no one fitting that place. Especially not when he has a tendency to be somewhere around when I do meet with someone…”
“Wait a minute, he’s the guy that was ‘in the way’ when you met with my friend?” The blush on her face confirmed it. “So you’re not together, he’s the guy that comes pretty much whenever you call for him, you refer to things as ‘yours’ not his or hers – yours, and from what I gathered from the others – No shush I talk with others – the two of you are as together as two people can be without actually kissing in public. Oh and yes I know what else you do.”
“Here’s your drinks ladies.” He put the drinks in front of them. “Heh miss, what’s wrong?”
“You’ll have to excuse her, I think I pressed a little too much of, um, lets’ go with reality, for her to take in at this moment.”


“People think we’re together, did you know that? Actually, my family all probably thinks that as well.” He didn’t even turn towards her. “Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“And you have nothing to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, something.”

Saturday

Hello fello humans,

I hope that everyone is doing fairly okay. I myself are, frankly not really sure how I am. Since one minute I'm feeling pretty awesome and the next I can't stop crying. And most of the time I'm just feeling very unsure with myself. I've felt like that before, but this time it's a little different. I think.

There's so many things going on in my life right now, decisions that needs to be made, relationships to figure out, people to talk to, decisions to be heard from other places, cleaning out the apartment and the basement, and somewhere I need time for myself, to just take care of myself. And sure some, most of these things I need to do, is in the end about making myself feel better, sure, but right now it doesn't really feel that way.

And sure I can most of the days actually smile for no less reason then that I'm just glad. Even if I spend many times a day crying, there's not just tears all day long.

In the middle of taking care of everything after mother, 'n everything else, I somehow have time to have 'love-problems', wow, it's amazing how the mind wanders sometimes.

I'm actually trying to build up courage to ask someone out, but something keeps coming up. So maybe I should just walk on, find someone else? I don't know. Sure there's a few people that peeks my interest, even if most of my mind wanders of to one person, there's a few I wonder if there's a possibility for anything more. A part of me goes; 'You don't have time for that.' and another part goes; 'You really need to do this.'
I think that's one of those 'listen to the heart v.s listen to the brain' things.

So, on to what my Saturday, I woke up 11.34, though I think the first time I feel asleep it was 05-ish, I think I got a couple of hours of sleep at least.
Spent my day with three friends of mine, 'playing' Vampire; Requiem (A rollplaying game). Though I was 'off' most of today, our mission was fun, even though if I had been able to pay more attention we might have actually finished it instead of getting through half of it. But I think they guys didn't mind, to much. Hopefully.
At 22, they left. I started moving around stuff in the room so I can fit my bed in here, tomorrow when we get it.
Oh and one of my friends, Ac, re-installed (or whatever you call it) my computer and it's so far working waaaaaaaay better than before. Yay!

Well I'm off to bed, for some possible hours of sleep

'til next time
be safe
Sam

Not a good day

Today was really not a good day, I think I went little over an hour at one time without crying.
And I couldn't ask the one person I really wanted to be near me to either come to me or I to him. Because apparently all my courage left me after I asked my dad for help yesterday.
*takes a deep breath* Today was just not a good day.
I wanted to go down to the market, but I could, I wanted to go to the store but I didn't dare. I can't leave the apartment, not today. Anything and nothing makes me cry!
I just want to feel safe. I want - I miss my mother. I miss my best friend. I miss my family. I miss my friends....

<|3

I know we didn’t see eye to eye
I know we both said stupid and mean things about the other
I know you were sick
You knew how sick I had become
I pretend you didn’t mean so much to me
I pretend like there’s no reason for me to cry
I even convinced myself that it didn’t affect me
But it’s not true, I miss you so damn much
I cry, because you’re not here anymore
I can never see you again
Never tell you that you did mean the world to me
That I will always love you
Mum I really miss you

Nightmares and worries

I've been having this nightmare about alligators and crocodiles now and then for a couple of years and it's seriously messing me up every time.
It's always at the same place, same time of the year and the same time of the day I meet this lake of crocs and gaters. Though the reason for being there are always different, this time it was some kind of candystore, and we were a bunch of people that had won a contest at our work (this candystore) and we're supposed to have this contest to get a 'ultimate winner', kind of assault course, first we run through a giant house (that house is always in this dream) out the back, up a hill, through a forest and this is where we get to the lake. At fist it looks just like any other lake, meaning it looked pretty dark and the moon was reflecting on the surface.
We have to do this; 1. Climb these rocks 2. swim to the other side and 3. Climb the rocks at the other side. Easy enough, right?

Well you get up the rocks and then your eyes see something moving in the water, not anything small either, no this is where the gaters and crocs come in. At first there's like just a few but more and more surface from the lake. Trying to attack you on the rocks. Now going into the lake is out of the question so what do you do? Turn back, of course. That road just got cover with them as well. So you're stuck on this rock and can't go anywhere and the crocs and gaters are trying to get to you...

Lovely isn't it?

On a different note, not going to the doctors tomorrow. No point in going. Just hoping stress is the reason *mumble* Otherwise I might just have a small problem...

Well we have our annual October/Autumn market today in town, not sure I'm going down or not. Not much to look at, getting smaller every year. We'll see what I do.

'til next time
with love
Sammie

Foul day turned good day

So my day didn't start out all that great, in fact it was amongst the *insert bad/odd word* of a day in months tbh. But then I sent a text to a friend of mine, asking what she was up to.
And a short while later, and me starting to do the dishes, she arrived. I'm not sure why but she's one of the few persons that can actually get me in a better mood by just being around me ^^
We spent the day talking, mostly about boys (wow that's soooo unusual when two girls meet, don't ya think?) but about a lot of other things as well, and sitting by our laptops checking for furniture.

The hours, even if at some times it didn't, they past fairly quick, we we're joined for dinner by another friend. And now we ran into a "bump in the road", not going into details but parents can be very unfaithful to their children. And we said goodbye, even if that ruined some of the mood I am in fairly good spirits.
Mostly since I'm looking forward to this weekend ^^

Though I need to ask my dad for another favor, if I want this to work out exactly as I want it to ;)

'til next time
love
Sammie

+ =

Do you think that my laptop was kind enough to let me watch my series?
Answer is; No.

Add that I'm starting to feel a cold I'm not able to dismiss.
Add some stupid comments from people around me
Add worrying for days
Add taking a shower in cold water
Add having to call about stuff concerning your dead mother

And last but not last, add hormones running amok!

= Just how I'm feeling right now

Fruit Basket and Fullmetal Alchemist

I was out walking for almost two hours today, my feet are killing me, but it was really nice.

Bought Fruit Basket, complete series, and FMA ep 1-24 for $29,5 (198kr) YAY! Had I bought them anywhere else I would have been lucky to find either for that price over here.

And I've borrowed seasons 1-5 of Grey's Anatomy - Got loads to watch XD

Though for once I do actually have things that needs to be done probably everyday this week :O

Well I'm crossing my fingers that the DVD player in my laptop will actually work this time XD

'til next time
Sammie

Another update XD

Hiya,
Not sure why I haven’t been writing lately, haven’t been writing anything at all, barely small notes.

Still things that need to be handle when it comes to mothers passing. Not all that happy about taking care of that, tbh.

Got a new appointment with my counselor tomorrow at 15.00, feels good, I think. Still waiting for a response from school, starting to get really nervous about not hearing about or just getting something about I can’t start this time around.

On some positive notes, got an appointment with a doctor from the ‘obesitas unit’ in November, really looking forward to that, and I’m nervous about it as well. Living with obesity is something I’ve done for some time, and frankly I’ve been too lazy to anything about it. One reason I’ve gotten so lazy is my depression, but that’s supposed to be under control so now ‘all’ I have to do is get cracking at working out.
I talked with my cousin, she works at NTC (Norrtälje Träningcenter), I’m meeting up with her sometime this week and, just like anyone else that are thinking about starting working out there, I’ll get a free week to test everything out. I am doing this for three reasons 1. I need to lose 5-10 kg (11-22 pounds) before I can have the surgery 2. I really want a shot at “Beach body 2011” (competition between some friends) and 3. I do enjoy working out, when I have gotten past the first two weeks of it. Though I don’t very much like working out with my friends, I haven’t figured out exactly why yet.
If I have money for it, I’ll complete the exercising with swimming, since I do enjoy that really much and it’s really good for my back.

This should be my last day with any soda, stopped drinking Coca-Cola this Wednesday but I bought ‘Julmust’ (a soft drink we drink around Christmas that they’ve started selling already) and I’m drinking the last of it now. No more sodas, juices or sweet drinks at all. No chips or dip. But I am not cutting the candy away just yet, I don’t eat it that much as it is and it’s nice to have something sweet once in a while.

Now I just have to figure out how to actually eat more than once a day….

Well that’s all for now guys and gals
‘til next time
Sammie

2010-09-28

Haven't been feeling good, at all, today :( I had fun with my girl-friend today, but even though I had fun I felt really odd today. Been feeling odd all day, can't really put words to how I've been feeling, except odd.

Started with some light exercising twice a day, feeling a little sore but that's alright.

Got a couple of things I need to get done tomorrow, a couple of calls, turn in some papers to social services, and go through some more of mothers things. I got some help yesterday to bring up all mothers clothes from the basement, been through half of it, piled up in "Giving away" and "Throwing away" black plastic bags. And then we need to get all her clothes from grandmas place as well.
And then we have all her other stuff... I am not looking forward to doing this, mostly since I could throw everything away. My friend said yesterday, "If I had to do this, I would have been in tears already. I am almost, and I'm not in your position." and I guess if she was in my shoes she would, I on the other hand see no point in it. Then again, there isn't really much point in crying in the first place, yet I do it every now and then.

And now I have to take care of all the other shit my mother left on us. I am just annoyed at her, sure I cried at the funeral, but I think I cried more because I saw just how sad everyone else was. If one starts others will follow, apparently. Don't get me wrong, I miss her, even if those times are very rare right now.

Still waiting for an answer from the school, getting a little nervous about it. Not going so well applying for work, probably because no one wants to hire someone that isn't really interested in working there in the first place. Applying looks good on paper, but when one isn't really all that suited for the job one shouldn't apply.
Not sure what the hell I will be doing if I don't get in to school. Haven't thought all that far yet...

Started second guessing every choice I'm making, have been making for some time, and it's not a good thing to do. I know that, but apparently what I know I should do and what I do are as always two different things...

Well bye for now

//Sam

2010-09-26

So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.

Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.

Night people
//Sam

One of those nights.

Most of the time, right now, I feel fairly great. Especially when I get to be around those that mean most to me. I hadn't met with none of them for a while, I just kinda light up whenever anyone of them are around.

Then there's times like right now, where I really need either one of them but neither is anywhere near me.

I just wish to be hold, just for a little while, and be told that it's going to be alright.

*sigh* in fifth-teen days the funeral will be over and done with, I just feel, empty about it. It's everything else, the people mostly, around it, that is taking all my energy.

Night for now, or at least I hope so.

with love
Sam

Distrust

Any little thing can set me off right now, not only because of everything that has happen no just because something goes a little wrong your life does go on...and being a girl that means that every 28ish day you have even less control over your emotions and I just got there, the days before/after the period is the worse - emotional.
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart. 
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...

Waiting

Waiting is amongst the top of my "What I hate"-list. My beloved cousin is celebrating her 25th birthday today ^^ And I'm supposed to be there sometime after two, that's 50min from now (ca). And I know I'll be there for a few hours, so I don't really want to be the first there, thus I'm walking just to drag out the time. And I'm going by the store to pick up some flowers and a "lotto"ticket or something, so she might win some money since I have no idea what she wants, she didn't tell me anything XD
Um, well now I'm gonna get ready, ya' know brush my teeth and fix my hair....really dragging out the time...

Bye for now
//Sammie

Happy birthday to me ;)

So today is my birthday, yay for being one year older...Not that I feel much of a difference from yesterday, tbh.
Has Cherry over for a visit today, met her around one and she left just after five. Was really nice meeting her again, missed her a lot!!
Then my dad, my stepmum and my brother visit (two of them was already here), had some coffee. Was really nice.

Have mailed the funeral home, with the add, decided on the verse "Så länge vi minns, lever du." "As long as we remember, you live" (okay maybe not the best translation other xD).
Tomorrow

• Call socialservices
• Order flowers
• Book the hair-dresser
• Buy shoes
• Look for black clothes

So a few things that I need to do before I leave to my friends place.

Another thing, Star Wars; The clone wars, so far a nice series =) Will post a better review later :)

Blargh

*sigh* One week since she died and tomorrow is my birthday...urgh...I just...blargh, 24th of September at 13:30 the funeral will be held. I just wished it all could be over. I know it takes time, I know there's a lot of other things that needs to be done and I know some of the things won't be finished until much later...

Through dream came reality

Back to the funeral directors in a bit...
Dreamed of her last night, or rather I never saw her in my dream but people talked about her, I was looking for her. She left clues all over this city I was in, but I just couldn't find her. Where ever I went I was met with someone that just met her, they told me a story about them and her, but I never managed to catch her...
 She spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospital, which makes it all even more difficult to process, my mind goes "Well she's still in the hospital, she's gonna have grandma call any day now to tell you she wants you to come in..." Then I remind myself, she's not here anymore, she left, she died. "You where there, you saw her lifeless body, you touched the cold hands of your dead mother."
....

2010 08 26

It is sad, when someone we love dies...

You see, there's a little part of you,
that they take with them, when they go.

Then remember, there will always be a part of them,
still there, with you.

~ Sandra Nordqvist Åström 2010-08-26

Empty

Yesterday just kind of past, today on the other hand feels like it's never going to end. Doesn't really feel much right now. Just kind of empty. Tired and empty.

Going to my friend in a bit, sleeping away from home will make me rest a little or at least I hope so.

Looking forward to Saturday =) A lot of my friends and family are coming.

Not so much looking forward to tomorrow, we're going to the funeral directors (or whatever they're called). Probably going to have some more answers but still...

Well bye for now
//Sammie

2010 08 23 R.I.P

06:09 – My phone rings. Even before I answer I somewhat knew what it was about. The nurse told me that we needed to be prepared. It was really bad.
06:12 – My uncle calls to tell me he’s coming to pick us up.
06:24 – My uncle and grandmother arrives, the longest twelve minute of my life has just past.
~08:00 – We arrived at the hospital, NICU (NIVA is the sort one in Swe). The nurse tells us to wait a little while before we can go inside to see mum.
08:15-11:00 – We got to see mother. Talked to the doctor, whom explained what they had done. That they’d done whatever they could think of. The bleeding in the brain had put too much pressure in there so they had to operate, since the meds didn’t do anything. The operation didn’t relieve any of the pressure either. When the bleeding started, if I got this correctly, she had a seizure that slipped her in to a coma; a coma which she never would wake up from.
~11:00 – We get called in to her room, her pulse dropped below 40, thus meaning it shouldn’t be long now.
~11:16 – Her heart had stopped beating. My mother was now, in the medical term, deceased.
11:30 – We left the hospital to return home…

I had to call my aunt, my dad’s sister and one of my mother’s closest friends, on her birthday to say that mother was dead. That was and will probably be the hardest call I had to make.
Of all the calls I’ve made today, the one that upset me the most where the one I mad to my best friend. I know he was working, that he was busy and all that shit, but pretty much saying I was a pain in the ass for wanting him close to me when I got back home was probably the most annoying and upsetting part of the day.
My mother’s death is upsetting, of course it is, and that’s what’s to be expected. But that call got me even worse.
I hope he didn’t mean it,…..and now I made it just way worse by sending a stupid text: "Didn't want to bother you with another call earlier, she's dead, died around 11.15. If you can manage to can you please make some time for your suppossed friend that's grieving and could use a gamiliar face to make her think about something else for a sec, tomorrow? Or is that to much of a pain for you?/Sam"

Why the hell must I always make it worse!? Fuck….

Not sure what will happen tomorrow, just know that in a few days the things can’t wait any longer…

Voting

I’ve realized that I have been a little short on the ‘opinions of things in the world’, thought I would be more focus on that then I have but //shurgs// things happen I guess.

In less than a month we have election here in Sweden, and I seriously have no idea how I’m voting. I thought I had a little more information about the parties, but my mind as been occupied by other things it seems. One thing I do believe is that if you don’t vote – You have no right, or rather I don’t think you have deserved the right to complain about how things are if you haven’t even cast your vote. I mean of course people that are too young to vote, or were when the election took place sure complain but if you are of age and are allowed to but decide not to vote I don’t think you have a right to complain. Maybe that’s just me but that’s what I think.

So we have two wings, like always the left and the right and then we have the middle parties those that have a little of both but not enough of neither to actually fit properly in to one wing, and of course there’s not just a couple of parties to choose from, from either wing either. No, and to actually make an educated decision, one should look them all up. So that is my plan for now, looking them up. Probably not going to have looked them all up completely but should be able to make a good decision from the information I’ll gather.

I do have some ideas what most of them are about, and frankly there’s a few that have a few plus points already. There’s one party that has a great plan concerning school policy, though there’s a lot of other things I disagree with them about. So then it’s down to counting pros and cons.

A friend and I said some time ago that we should start our own party, disregarding wings and just focus on what we want to make better. And frankly both wings have great points, though on completely different notes.

Could I vote on a party that has a great notion for schools but goes against my ethical views? Could I possible live with that? I think that’s the big decision can you vote for a party with many notions/ideas that you agree on but one major notion that goes against pretty much everything you stand for/believes in?

So I guess this turned out to be more questions than actual opinions, or questions are a part of opinions are they not?

Why be that stupid?

They’d walked to meet up with him, they we’re standing by the bus stop; she was leaning against one of the lampposts when he walked of the bus. He said hello and walked towards her to give her a hug when she left her leaning pose, slapped him across the face and started walking away.

“What the hell was that for?” He shouted after her, running up to her. “I haven’t even done anything."
"Tell yourself that enough times and I’m sure you’ll believe it.”
“Wha? Did you trip or something?” She stopped and turned to face him, he noticed she’d been crying and anything could set it off again.
“I thought that we were friends that we could go back to being that. Then what you actually have done hit me, I can’t believe that I’m that stupid, that I was so dumb to let you do what you did. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me something, especially when I acted like I did and made a fool out of myself, since she knew I was wrong, you knew but you didn’t tell me. You let me make a fool out of myself in front of her, in front of our friends. I-I…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now.” She kissed his cheek, the one she hadn’t hit, before walking past him and leaving.

‘Why did I do that?’ She kept asking herself; ‘Because you needed to.’ She answered herself. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? He had lied, made her look like an idiot in front of the person she thought she’d ‘won’ over and possible their friends as well. Going back to being friends had been a great idea, but the best had been to make it all go away.

“Not fair to either of us.” His words echoed in her mind, what had he really meant with that. She knew it wasn’t really fair to her, she loved him and he didn’t love her back but she’d been with him either way. He made her feel great, he made her happy for the first time in very long time, she’d been with him since she thought that even if he doesn’t love her like she loves him he wouldn’t hurt her – more than she was hurting of it already that is. But she’s been wrong about him before and now she was again. What had he meant that it wasn’t fair to him either? Why would being with someone that loves you that just wants to please you not be fair to him? She’d been to ‘closed off’ to actually ask him that, when they’d talked. She’d been to ‘off’ to even realize that he had been with someone he said he dislike not just once, not twice, and she’d been too stupid to realize that of course he wasn’t just with her during that eleven months, why would he? It’s not like they were a couple, because they weren’t so why did that hurt? Why did it surprise her that it had happened more than once? Because she believed he… Now the tears ran down her cheeks, yet again. The thoughts had begun when she was about to go to sleep the night before, his words echoed in her mind and she started thinking back. Then it hit her, one of these other times he hadn’t been with her for some time and now she finally knew why, he’d been with that bitch. The two-faced bitch. And suddenly so many things made sense.

The gift she’d given her, the ‘concern’ they’d shown here. It fit. She’d been had. By her best friend and a girl she thought he loathed.

Now even the complains from him made even more sense. The days he’d been happier made sense.

The sentence ‘Love makes you blind’, yes that it had made her. Blind to the obvious things around her.

11/08

Yay for being sick! NOT! blargh! I have energy to do stuff, but since I get coughing fits when ever I do anything then sit still it's a little hard.

But at least I don't have a migraine also, like my brother. Lost a lot of sleep because of the cough. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Anna, need to do two things before that. - Now one of them are done...

Any remedy for cough? That costs me, nothing? Got very limited money funds, as usual, but I can't afford anything since I have to buy a collar to Miriam. Not sure how the f**k I'm gonna buy it when I can't go outside >.<

Happiness

Been happy most of the days since the move =) Feels great!

Felt lonely a lot yet happy at the same time, shouldn't work like that but apparently I do ;P Tomorrows my brothers birthday and I won't be home when dad and family comes over, since I'll be at a barbecue at Jims place.
Looking forward to it.

Will vaccum and mop the floors for my brother tomorrow before I leave, and I've gotten most of my stuff in order, or somewhat order at least. Four bags in to half a cabinet :p Yea for Tetris skills ! I be awesome! ;D

As I think you can see from the way I write, I'm happy. I'm missing some people right now like crazy but I am happy =) A very rare feeling for me. And there's a little worry in the back of my mind that says "Something bad will happen any moment now." but I'm trying to cherish these happy moments as much as I can :D

Well I'm off to bed - I've heard it helps a lot to have slept a good night to feel great ;)

Bye bye

with love
Sandra

Pain pain pain...but somehow I can manage to feel fairly good/happy despite the pain :o *looks around* Hmm maybe I was switched somewhere my pessimistic-self loathing-bitching self left and this other one came instead...then again might just be "that-time-of-the-month" thing :P Hehe

Went to the nurse at the erm...I want to call it "Youth center" but I believe that's something completely different from where I was. A nurse at the, er, place beside at the gynecologist to get contraceptive, ask about contraceptives and things like that, and before you turn 23 here in Sweden it's free of charge. Really nice thing. Got some nice answers and now I have an appointment to get a "spiral" thing in the beginning of September so I'll hopefully won't have anymore bleeding's... No bleeding = No pain! No pain = Happy Sam! Happy Sam = Happy everyone else! ...maybe :p *chuckles*

'nough about my personal stuff, or rather a little to personal personal stuff maybe :P Hehe

At my brothers now, or maybe I should say my brothers and my place ^^ For now at least :) It's nice. Lonely most of the time, but nice despite it.

Went to the vet with my grandmother and her cat today, took us about three and a half hour, met some nice people with nice pets =)

Now I'll watch more House MD (season 3 ep 20) ;)

Probably got loads of things I could be doing but not really sure what to do >.< Re-watched/skipped through House MD season 1 :P Should probably write something, but there's not to write, or rather not much wants to come out. Staring at an empty word.doc for an hour didn't make it any easier XD At least I got three things to do before the hopefully great weekend, job coach, doctors appointment and visiting my cousin :) And something I might be doing everyday, helping Ac with fixing his room and moving :p Had fun last night, even if Vik got a headache and Ac drank to much to fast and wasn't feeling to well >.<

Well now I'll continue watching House MD season 2

Yesterday 'n sleepless night

I was planing on writing something else yesterday since somethings actually happened, but for some reason I didn't...

Talked with my social secretary yesterday, she made a lot more sense this time around. First thing I need to do is get my welfare officer to help me figure out what's stopping me from finishing what I've started, if I need to be on the sick-list or if just talking, or meds would help me. She also said that being in the employment agency means one should be able to be out on a work tomorrow and we both know I'm not. Thus she said that maybe being on the sick-list would be best for me right now. And even if I hate being on it, it's even worse not being right now...

I mean I do feel better, since I'm not suicidal anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't have issues that's need to be handle. I just didn't want to think about that. I pushed those thoughts down somewhere else in my brain, for later use or something. II guess now's "Later".

Two nights with little sleep, nightmares and getting woken up by the cats.

Now I'm gonna pack the very last things, check the entire apartment for anything that's mine and pack that. Tomorrow is moving day :O

Yes and call my grandma as well to see if we can borrow her car.

Bye for now.
//Sam

Giving blood

This morning were my first time giving blood, my right arm didn't work so she had to do it in the left are. Thus I am not allowed to carry to heavy things in either arm right now - I've cared about that? Not much have the laundry machine going, packed some minor things of mine and threw cloths in a big black plastic bag since mister decided that's how he wants his cloths moved. Still got a lot of his cloths to pack (I'll probably make him do it later and then the newly cleaned cloths tomorrow when they've dried).
Oh and when one gives blood you get to chose something for doing it, like a T-shirt, mug, or like a lotto ticket. I took a ticket and I actually won a little money, now we're talking the lowest amount x2 (you can have up to x10 the amount). ^^ A nice little bonus :)
Tuffs, the longhaired kitten, moves today/tonight. Some mixed feelings about that, it's great since he gets to go to two person I know will care well for him and he'll be happy with them but I still kind of want to have him with me as well. But as I've said many times before, can't keep everyone of them. I would have to live out on the country side with a well-paying job to afford all the cats I would have by now then *chuckles*

^^

I missed you before we even said goodbye, I missed to have you right there next to me so much I kept tossing and turning all night. I used to make fun of some of my friends when they used to tell me that they couldn't sleep because their someone weren't there. Now I regret making fun of them.
There's not much fun in this situation, though it's a little fun that because of/thanks to this I realized that these feelings I have, this crush as I said before it's not just that. A year has soon passed and sure I get annoyed and sometimes angry with him, but it doesn't matter as long as he is there with me. We might fight, might get really upset with each other but at least I have someone that I love that will fight me when I'm wrong, slap me over the wrist when I do something stupid and someone that will hold me when I get sad.
He might not feel exactly like me, but I get to be with him and when that's the case it's just doesn't matter; He makes me happy.

Tuesday

In the apartment all alone (people vice that is), was in a fairly good mood when I got up this morning, now on the other hand, not so much. Though it's more the fact I have little to none energy to do anything.

Called "obesity unit" today, my doctor had apparently not sent in the referral to them, so I call my doctors office and he hadn't even written the referral in the first place and of course he wouldn't be back from his vacation until 15th of August. Thus I have to wait another three weeks before I know anything...

Broke down in tears after that... the energy I had just left me.

But hopefully I'll get some energy to do the last things that needs to be done.

Bye for now
Sam

Monday

Got a machine going with laundry, helped pack down the rest of the books for the bookcases in our room. Doesn't feel like I've slept at all but at least I don't have pain anywhere ;) Got to focus on the good things.

Will probably have all my things, beside computer and bed sheets, packed by tomorrow. Feels good to just having to move them now. Not sure how I'll move them from here to my brothers place. Should call dad and ask for help. Proved to be more of the things I have then I thought. I didn't think my manga would take up four boxes >.<

Only got one more load for the washing machine, then I shouldn't have any more cloths anywhere... I will most likely be proven wrong later on.

Should get something to eat, haven't eaten since around 15:00 yesterday, 21 hours ago. And I ate half a 90gram hamburger and almost the entire plate with fries...

Well till next time
Sam

Saturday - Sunday

This is something I wrote on the way home last night, something I've felt on more then one occasion. Some of it is painted up a little worse then it is, and I feel better about it today, but I kind of promise to post it on my blog so here it is;

I've said so many time that I don't understand how someone could stay with their cheating or abusive partner. I've always asked what the hell are they thinking with.. But I see now, or rather I don't quite understand it but I think I know the feeling they must feel.
I'm in a "relationship" that does me more bad then good things most of the time. I am not the person he loves the most, I am neither the person he thinks about most, nor am I the person he wants to be with. All this I know yet I stay, with the little hope that since he's with me and has me in the same "group" as the other three women I might just have a shot. But now a year has passed and the hurt is still there, he still loves someone else more, he still thinks about someone else and I am still not the person he wants to be with...so why the hell do I stay? I stay for the few tender times I get, for the times he holds me in his arms, for the times he makes me feel special. I stay for those rare times of happiness. I stay for the happiness I tell myself I wouldn't have gotten with someone else. But it's not true. I know this but I can't seem to accept it. I don't want to, or rather a part of me doesn't want to because of those times. But then there's the part of me that's sick of times like tonight. I am so sick of listening to how he could get it on with one of them, how he wants to be with the second one and how "unworthy" he is of her. I am sick of it! It's just bullshit!
I'm so sick of myself for letting him hurt me the way he seems to always do, I'm so sick of this sick relationship we have. For over a year I have been in love with a man that most likely will NEVER love me even close to the way I love him. I give him my body to use and he scars it, I give him my heart and he broke it and I think he's holding my soul since I am not able to tear away...

--- I hate the fact that I can mange to have little to none grammar/spelling mistakes when I'm upset whilst writing....or rather I am very annoyed at that fact.

Now today we went to Norrtälje and bought moving boxes and some papper bags to pack our things in. I've packed my manga, my books, notebooks, pens and colors, and some other mics things. That's probably all I'll do for today, concerning packing that is, tomorrow will be calling and laundry day. Got a lot of calls to make, I've realized. Will pack most of my cloths as well tomorrow I guess - the clean ones at least.
Will be dying Ac's hair and then cutting both his and Kens hair later, when neither one of them are all to busy.

Bye for now.

//Sam

Homeless...kinda

Um so I kind of got kicked out, told to move last night, indirectly. I crashed. What I said yesterday about my shakes, yea when upset the get triggered. Was shaking on and off about five hours, which also means I was putting a lot of pressure on my jaw resulting in my having a really hard time going to sleep since my entire jaw was in pain - crying didn't help much either.

So I'm off to talk with my brother and later my dad and stepmum, see what they have to say about it. Should probably also call my mother, but I'll do that when I've talked with my dad. Not really sure where I will go from here, I'm kinda homeless at the time.

I wasn't the only one that got kicked out but both Ken and Ac have parents to go back home to, I'm not sure what I've got. Feeling better then I did about five hours ago(when I was trying to go to sleep) but mostly cause I can maybe have a thought without the headache and jawpain.

Turning of the computer in a bit. Ttyl

Regards Sam

Shakes

Yet another day and another fight - Heh, yes that seems to be the case over here more often then not these days. And as usual I feel even more useless then ever whenever there is a fight and when the screaming starts I will start shaking because of the bad experience I've had. It doesn't matter if the person/persons is screaming at me or at each other I start to shake.
And it is amongst the worst things I know is the feeling I get when someone argues in load voices and the shakes, the shakes are the worst thing...

Odd dreams

Odd dreams, somewhat awesome dreams but still odd. The one I remember when I got up, 20min ago, I was in some kind of school. And we where having a contest, it reminds me of Mario cart meeting GTA (none of which I've ever been that good at), first I was just playing my brother (whom I rarely ever beat in MC) and a couple of friends and I won, by a lot! Then the contest started and I won everything, though no one seemed surprised, not even I :/ And then when I went to my locker there where two other "diplomas" from the last two years with me winning as well. I had apparently started it two years ago and so far none could beat me >.< :P XD

Odd dreams, check! :P I'm blaming them on...the little alcohol I drank before bed. I'm really tired today, could be the lack of sleep or the fact I woke up 20 or so min ago.

Well now some WoW :D

Bye bye for now :D

Im so sick

I'm so sick of, everyone...no actually that's incorrect. I'm so sick of me. So sick of this other, person, in me. I'm exhausted of trying to be this one person that I so wish I could be and frankly it seems impossible. I'm tired of smiling, tired of painting this face, I guess people see it now. Just how annoying and impossible I am.

later;
Yet again I feel utterly useless and unwanted. Something I seem to feel to often nowadays. I wish I knew what I had to do to change the way I am, but since everyone expect me to know that and wont help me then I guess I might just not stay here for much longer... then again hopefully it will get better when I get to those doctors...
I'll probably have to do that operation, and I guess I do need it, really much. I know what kind of problems will come after it, and I'm not sure how many friends (if any) I'll have left when I this turns ugly.

I really hate when I get like this, if I was living alone I don't doubt that I would start cutting again. And sometimes I just wish I could go back to having that release, because as it is right now, the only "release" I have it arguing/yelling at someone else that has done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I am really... no I'm not gonna finish that. Live as you teach, live as you learn... I hate how some people I know complain and look down on themselves, but I have no right to say anything about it since I'm just the same. Or maybe that's a reason that I'm allowed?

I don't think there's anything about myself or in my life that I don't dislike/hate right now... *sigh* sure I like my friends and family fine I love them...but that's just about it...and sometimes I don't even like them... *shakes head* what the hell happened? What the fuck did I do wrong? I thought I had everything planed. Everything would just go as I had planed, I would never have to feel the pain I felt growing up...though have I really grown up? Am I not still that 13 year old child scared shitless about what to tell her teachers when she's not eating anything because what her mother did during the night?! Am I not still that child? That child that figured out lying would be so much easier then just telling the truth? That child that built up another persona just to keep from hurting to much? Am I not that child? ...I am soon twenty-two and I doubt I have anything to show for myself, I know there's stories of people that don't find their "purpose" until much later, but must it feel so useless? So hopeless?

*sigh* Now I doubt I'll be able to sleep much - I hate - well that's the word of the day; Hate; 1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest:

I just want to cry and be left alone...and yet at the same time I just want someone to hold me close and tell me everything will be alright...

Weather

So at home alone, which is nice though this weather might just kill me or just sweat me some pounds of *chuckles* Seriously, this is some fucked up weather going on, sure we’ve had these temps before but that usually just lasted a week, now on the other hand it’s been like this since what ? A month? More? And I know I shouldn’t complain since its sunny and hot but there’s a line, right now I can barely do anything at all during the hours between 11-18, seriously, this is siesta time! *laughs* Then again our winter was colder than it’s been in years.
A friend of mine had a great idea for the ultimate vacation; be a cat for a few days ^^ No worries – just eat, play, sleep, use the bathroom :P No pressure from anywhere! XD
Well now before I watch the next ep of ReGenesis I need to heat up my pan pizza so I get some food in me. Bye for now….

Did something I shouldn't have

What if you find something out, about someone, that you weren't suppose to know? And that something might just cause you more pain if you say you know it then pretending you're clueless...
Yet that something is something you kinda want to know the reason for...but I find myself in the position that I can't ask about it unless I get some "bait" from this person so I get a reason to ask... though I find that highly unlikely.
Hmm sucks learning something you weren't supposed to know nor something you really wanted to know in the first place. Damn... *sigh*

*****

Oh for F**k sake! How difficult is it to just sign a piece of paper? Apparently a very hard task since Jessica refuses to do it. On the sole reason of being a bitch and use my excuse against me.
I said earlier today that I didn't want to go to her co-worker since it was last minute. And said "If you'd told me yesterday then maybe." And now when I said I needed her signature on the contract since I couldn't get the money to give her rent unless she did it. She first uses, "I need to calm down", then "I'm gonna use what you said earlier, you could have told me yesterday." As to which I said; "I told you two weeks ago and you said you would fix it but you haven't and so I did and if you don't sign you won't get your money." To that I just got a look and she turn and walked away....

30th of May

30th of May
I hate that I lie, I hate that it comes so naturally for me, I hate that that people actually trust me despite everything. But most of all I hate myself.
To be honest I don’t look that bad when I put a little effort in my dressing or how I fix my hair. I know I’m overweight, I know how to lose weight, I know what things work and which don’t, yet I do nothing of it.
I could probably have a boyfriend but none is “good enough” or rather they aren’t like the guys I “fall” for, you see besides looks, attitude, and all that the main thing that a guy much “have” for me to fall for him is plain and simple, no interest in me what-so-freaking-ever as a girlfriend. You see, I can’t allow myself to actually be happy…
I loathe myself, I wish I could be different, that I would treat others better, like they should be treated, that I would stop being this bitch all the time. But you see, being the way I am, complaining, bitching, being miserable and all that shit, that’s much easier. Apparently…

28th of May

Love, yes that one thing everyone seems to want, besides money that is.  For someone that has no money, they always seem to bring trouble. A problem which could be resolved quickly if I had a job and was actually earning money.

A friend of mine recently came with a snarky remark when I pointed out that even if his rent were to be raised he would be able to afford it, “Just because you can live on nothing-“ Live was it? I don’t live on the little amount of money I get from social services, I barely get by, barely.

Living would be that you actually have a little sum left to spend on yourself, I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself for the sole reason that I just wanted it, for myself. I had my mother buy me shoes, because I had none to wear.

I need to buy a bra that would stop me from having this aching back every day, but I can’t do that because I have no money left after I’ve paid the bills and bought food. More so, the little amount I do have left is spent to pay everyone else back, since I am a failure and like my friend said “Can’t hold a job for more than two weeks.” Nor can I keep myself in school.

Everyone had such high hopes for me; I had such high hopes for me. I were the one that would make something out of myself, I were to be the one with a good paying job and they all thought I would have a boyfriend and maybe even a kid by now.

And I am however near that. I didn’t even finish school. I have no job, and my love life is pretty much none existent.

Why?

Okay, so why is it that I have such problems with finishing something I've started? Why is it that I try and get others to hurt me?...

We just want you to be happy

How the f**k do you go from pleasing everyone else to actually pleasing yourself with things you like/love doing? I mean pleasing everyone would be making myself happy, then they would be happy as well...but how do I make myself happy? What do I like doing? What do I enjoy in life? What makes me happy? *looks around herself* Hmm, I seriously don't know what makes me happy...
My stepmother called me last Friday, told me that they missed me, that there were a void where I used to be, that they just want me to be happy, feel good about myself, not pressure myself into doing things I don't want/can do when I feel like I've done/do. And then all the things I've told myself they want from me, all the pressure I've put on myself on their account, all that just lifted off my chest. Like a big stone was lifted from me so I for the first time in a really long time actually could breath.
A very strange feeling I might add. So here I am trying to figure out what makes me happy...
Anyone got suggestions?

The Sad Hero

The Sad Hero
He is brave, loyal, kind and above everything he is a protector. But you see that smile he has on his lips when you get the chance to see him, it is forced. That care-free attitude of his, it’s his mask for what is really going on.
Our hero is fighting a war whilst he protects us helps us in our own battles, his war is not seen by us, and it is fought inside him, where he built his high walls and his fortress. That impenetrable fortress he started building years ago.
Our hero, our knight in shining armour, is beaten up under it all. Behind the drapery of bravery and courage our hero is like a lonesome wolf left behind by his pack, he is sad and alone.
Wishes are made to that of our hero, a wish to make him see that the wall and the fortress only need to be that of a house and its wooden fence with its open gate, wishes that of happiness for our hero. Our sad hero need not face these battles alone; he has an army to back him up.

Future...

"What is it that you want to with you life?"
If I knew that don't you think that I would have done something about it then? Hmph, I turn twenty-two in four months, I have lived about a forth of my life (hopefully less) and I have done nothing to show for this time...

I wish I knew how to figure out what to do. I wish I had the strength to actually find out...

Friends in rough spot

Life hasn't been the greatest as of late, not for me or for some of my friends. One of my friends lost her mother to suicide, another might lose his girlfriend, a third lost his job, a relitive is having health problems, my grandmother was in an accident when riding a bus (hit her head and hips, has to walk with cruches for a couple of weeks), I could probably name even more things that seems to be going wrong for friends and family. And I am helpless, mostly since it's pretty useless trying to help a friend when you can't even help yourself.

On with some better news, my mother is coming home on Thursday. She's apparently feeling pretty well. A friend has gotten less to do at work, meaning she won't work herself to death within the next year or so. My cusins kid is turning three on Thursday, looking forward to the birthday party :)

And some "IDK how I feel about this" news, my mother asked me to move in with her now that she's coming home, or rather she asked me to move in when she gets the new apparment. Though she wants to know before that since she needs to apply for a bigger place if I move in...

At the keys
Sam

Writing....

Took a holiday from me, yes I guess that’s exactly what you did. Where did you go? Why did you leave? I’ve waited for so long for you to come back, come back to me. My heart have stopped beating for you, my heart has almost stopped beating entirely. My reason for living left when you did. I guess what I could give was not enough for you. Still I wonder where you went.

I never knew that I could feel like this, for anyone else. I didn’t know that a single touch could make me feel such pleasure and pain at the same time. I didn’t think hearing him utter his feelings towards her would ever hurt this much. I’ve had crushes before, I’ve loved before, but never have I felt this way. Never felt so torn within myself, with my own feelings, like this. All this for someone, I never thought I could love as something else than a friend.

I wish I had words that could put these feelings into words for him, so that he could understand just what it is he’s doing to me. “I love you” is just not enough. I never thought those three words would be inadequate; I didn’t think they could be.

“Listen to your heart”, how am I supposed to do that? I can’t hear it from the entire racket all-around me. People telling me to do this, do that, and were will I ever have time to listen to my own heart? What my heart wants doesn’t seem to be able to let out a cry for help anymore; it feels like it might just give in.

It feels like I am watching everyone else live their lives whilst I, myself, just watch from the side line, by now I thought I would have started a family. That I would have that special someone in my life, though I do have a special someone, and that person can’t look my way – He never could, probably never will. I wish that I could look another way, just maybe I could find that someone that would love me back.

But how do you forget and move on? You never really forget do you, but how do you manage to move on? Where do you start? “One foot in front of the other”, “One step at the time”, I wonder.

I wish there were something I could tell myself that would make me feel like there actually where some chance for me at all. I wish I could stop doing this self-torture I do on a day-to-day basis. But nothing seems to help. Every time I try to make a change something inside me screws it up. There’s no one else but me, I am the obstacle I lay out for myself to stumble upon when something starts to look brighter.

I am the only thing between me and my dream.

The Vampire Diaries

When I saw the commercial I thought “What is this shit?! I’m so not gonna watch it.” But after my dear cousin ‘Gina told me that she loved the series I said I would give it a chance. And guess what, I really like it. I might actually love it.
I love the way they turn, I mean for once it’s not just get bitten drink the vampires’ blood and you’ll turn, you actually have to die before even being able to turn.
They can’t be in sun light, unless wearing this erm stone.
I’m not sure how well it’s doing with guys but I can understand why it’s going to so well with girls.
So if you like vampires, witches, or maybe a little drama this might just be the series for you ;) Give it a chance ^^
At the keys
Sam

Name day

At first I was going to write a fairly sad post about something that has happened but I just got a text from a friend of mine congratulating me on my “Name day” and I just had to write something else.  My friend,  Jenny, haven’t sent me a text in ages even if we’ve started meeting up again we haven’t talked over the phone or sent any texts since I was in eighth grade.  And I was not feeling all too well but now I can’t seem to stop smiling, what something so small can do.

So what’s been going on in my life as of late? First off I start school next month, looking forward to it, Math and English as my first two subjects.  Second I will be able to have job practice whilst I study, since I will only have classes in English.

Still have to apply for work, even if I start school next month, which feels a bit useless but I have to do it.

Wish it could stop snowing and get warmer now, I really love snow I do, but I was hoping for warmer weather before grandmas birthday – Then again there’s still time to get warmer by the 23th of March. I’ve promised to help bake cakes, buns and cookies for her birthday. Looking forward to it, and I’m a little scared as well, she’s turning eighty. I know she can’t live forever but now it’s started to show just how old she really is.

I’m currently at my best friends’ parents’ house, alone (!).  His parents are in Thailand and he’s housesitting, more looking after his sisters than anything but yeah. And me and another friend went out here last night and now his sisters are in school, he’s at work and our friend is at a meeting (then school), meaning I’m alone (with five cats). And as usual my fingers itching – wanting to clean, but I’m not sure where everything goes meaning I might just do more damage than good if I clean.

Now a little sadder update – My mother’s in the hospital again. She can’t move her legs and have little to no control over her arm and she can’t pee or take a ‘dump’.  Her HB was bad as some of the other test she had done. Thus she’s in the hospital, they’re fixing her dosage of her meds and checking if they might have damaged one of the glands (bikörtel) in her throat when they removed thyroid gland and some (19) of the other glands with tumors. And I have a bad feeling that she hasn’t been taking her meds like she should, I know I should try and believe her when she says that she’s taking them but I really can’t.  Well hopefully it will get better now that she’s in the hospital, it’ll give grandma a chance to think about everything as well.

Well now I’m going to make me something to eat, have a nice day people.

At the keys

Sam

Weekend

Hiya guys, at a friends place at the moment. Borrowing his sisters computer, very nice of her I might add. Tired as hell, but promised to watch a movie with the guys. Then I'll fall asleep like the instance I rest my head on the pillow. Well I hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll try and get on to write about the stuff that's happen as of late - a lot of things have happened.

at the keys
Sam

Doesn't concern me

I cry for something that doesn't concern me
because it reminds me about what used to be
reminds me about those night crying myself to sleep

I cry because I am scared
scared for something that has nothing to do with me
because it reminds me of what used to be

Reminds me about the fights that started about me
the fights that turned into screams because of me

Because of my past I cry for something that doesn't concern me
Because of my past I am scared for something that has nothing to do with me

It reminds me...

Because

I forgave and I forgot
because you wanted me to
I put up with the bullshit
because you believe it
I never hurt you
because you were hurt
I listened to your excuses
because you were afraid to see the truth
But now I can't really do that...

I will on the other hand ALWAYS
be there for you,
when you need one to hold your hand,
when you nag about school or work,
when you just need someone to lean on
I will be there
because I love you

"Poems"

~Void~
You stole from me
what I never could from you
Leaving an empty void
where it used to be
What you stole;
I would gladly have given

if this void
could been filled

~ 24th of November ~

~ You take 'n take ~
You take what you have
then you take what
comes you by

Never caring what it does
to us
your family 'n friends

As long as you get high
nothing else matters

~Starting over~
Wanting something so bad
yet every time you try
you get slapped in the face
Because you weren't as ready
as you thought you were

Back to square one
Starting over...
You just don't know if you'll survive
another; Failure

Starting over takes so much out of you,
will you be able to start over?

~27th of May 2008~

Parasite

“I was 13 when I was forced into adulthood, I was 14 when my world crumbled down, I was 15 when I tried to kill myself for the first time, 16 when I tried making it better, 17 when I thought my life was over, 18 when I stopped believing all the lies, I was 19 when I finally understood what was going on and that I needed to get out. “

“But it has to stop, because if it doesn’t I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t mean to worry you but this is what I feel. I am fully aware that there are people out there that care for me. But what good does that do when I can’t even care for myself? “

“My problems may not be how I should dress to get as many to buy my body for their use. My problems is not how to put food on the table for my children since their father left with all our saving, neither is my problems that I do not have a roof over my head or cloths on my body. No my problems may not be that extreme, but they are mine and they causes pain in my heart and soul. “

“But as an empty shell I continued my life. “

“I don’t think I will be able to do this. Scared, afraid, that is what I am. I am in no condition to do things like this, but I am so sick of disappointing my family. They may say that they aren’t disappointed at me but they are. I can see it and it hurts. They are hurt, because of me. “

“I have repelled most of my friends because of this ‘bitchy-know-it-all-don’t-care’-attitude. I have lost trust from my own family because of my own continues failures. “

“I don’t know what I have to do to make things right in my life. I really don’t. I can’t seam to realize it either. I need to clean up my life… I just don’t know where to start. “

“I am sorry for getting peoples hope up. I am sorry for feeling weak… “

“Guilt, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Disappointment they all were there.
They are all still here, just not as present as they were yesterday, Depression was soon followed by Pain neither one will leave me now. How much I may pray for them to leave they won’t leave… “

Just read through a lot of texts I've written during these last three years - and for some reason nothing seems to have changed. I'm still the same as I were three years ago - I might just be the same as I was seven years ago when my mother was admitted to the hospital. I say I want to change the way I am - yet I do nothing to change it. I say I want to do something with my life - yet I only make myself feel bad.

That seems to be the only thing I am capable of doing is just that hurting myself, and those around me. I'm like a parasite, living of other peoples money, hard work, and their feelings...

Looking to deep

Okay so I just read a friends blog post, about how he sees himself, and it got me thinking about how I see myself. And at first I thought I would do something similar to what he did, but I don't think I can do that, because I don't think I want to look that deep into myself just yet. Since what I would find wouldn't be pretty, not one bit actually.

As I might have said before, I ain't really that good of a person I tend to paint up for everyone else. I lie to, cheat on and betray people that I say that I love. I in a way like seeing people get hurt - mentally more than anything. And yet in a way I want everyone around me to be happy - hypocrite of the century.
You see a wrote I text about one of the things I am/need : Power of Control http://unelore.deviantart.com/art/Power-of-control-126880012  I guess you could place this under some kind of "God-complex" but I am not really sure. Heh, and I said I wouldn't look deep into myself - well this isn't all that deep within me now is it?!

Before I get to annoyed/angry/depressed with myself today I'm going to search for some jobs and check with the school about going back...

//Sam

Text: Against cold and sorrow

“Against cold and sorrow”

Friends

When you stumble and fall they will be there to pick you up, lending a hand.

When you are standing out there in the cold,
They will open their door to let you inside, to keep you warm.

When the tears are rolling down your cheeks and it feels like nothing will be okay.
Your friends will be there to wrap their arms around you, telling you ‘Everything will be alright.”

They will be the ones to cheer you up, when you’re down and feeling low.

They might make you cry, but rest assure that a true friend will stand by your side through cold and sorrowful nights you wouldn’t get through alone.

And more than anything they will be the ones to make you smile.

Story one: Christmas

I’m sitting in my kitchen looking out through my window. Looking at the snow hitting the porch and the windows; it’s early in the morning the sun has yet to rise. I’m just sitting here, gazing out on the lake, the mountains and the forest that surrounds my house. Just sitting, drinking ice cold milk in my newly bought wine glasses.

Last night I had one of my parties, this time of year a Christmas party, for my friends and their families, husbands, wife's, partners, children. It where around thirty people here last night, celebrating Christmas Eve, not counting the waiters, chefs and other staff members. You see when throwing parties like this I take help from my restaurants, and for once my brother was not in the kitchen. He is working with me in one of the restaurants. For once he and his wife could enjoy the party, without him having to work. But to my despair their daughter Sarah, is with our mother tonight. Since she, our mother, is going away the day after tomorrow… rehab once again.

In just a few hours the others will wake up, we’ll eat and then open presents. That means that in about an hour, Jane and Jimmy’s coming to help me serve breakfast. Making breakfast for thirty people isn’t that hard, at least not in my kitchen. But getting them all breakfast is the hard part. And since I don’t want to bother my friends… either way you’re maybe wondering how I can have thirty people sleeping here, aren’t you?

Well a couple of years ago I took some time to figure out what I wanted to do in life, I got back to school and with savings and a loan I started my first restaurant, together with my brother. And it didn’t go great from the beginning but after some struggles our restaurant got nice reviews and we got big. Now 15 years later we have restaurants all over the world, Spain, France, China, Japan, Australia amongst other.
During the years in school and up starting of the restaurants I didn’t find time for friends or family. Sure I did have a few loose relationships with both men and women. But I never got close, never let them know ‘real’ me. And now you all think of me as an evil bitch or a player of sort. And I guess I am. But can’t handle my own family, not a boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter, nor can I handle to have my own child. Taking care of my nieces, nephews and friends children isn’t that hard, I love children and they love Aunt Sandra. I can spoil them rotten without having to deal with the punishment when they don’t clean their rooms or don’t do their homework, because that’s the parent’s job. Not the cool Aunts.
And no there isn’t something wrong with how I look, I can’t complain about being rejected and that’s why I don’t have a ‘real’ relationship. But I just don’t want it; I am not built for relationships on that level.

I am happy with my life, I fulfilled my dream to open my own restaurant, I have my dream house where I can entertain all my friends and their families. And speaking about entertaining friends, my old friend came back to town with his wife and child, all the way from Australia. I hadn’t seen them since I opened the restaurant in Sydney, four years ago. Their daughter is turning out to be quite the beauty, I adore her. They also brought some of our other friends from Australia. I feel happy when I see them.
And some of my friends from England came, with their families. It feels nice seeing everyone again. It’s been such a long time since we last met all of us together like this. This is one of the best Christmas I have ever spent.

“Aunt Sandra?” A small girl, just around five walked into the kitchen.
“Hi there honey, what are you doing up so early? Is mommy and daddy still asleep?”
“I couldn’t sleep any longer. Yes they're still asleep.”
“You want some milk and cookies?” I asked and walked over to the fridge.
“Yes please.” I smiled at her as she took a seat next to where I sat. “Auntie?”
“Yes dear?” I pored her some milk and took out the cookie jar I kept next to the fridge and handed her a cookie.
“Did Santa come during the night?”
“Of course he did. He even ate all the cookies we made him.”
“Hey auntie, got any milk for the rest of us?” I turned and watched as my two nephews, my niece and three of my friends’ kids walk in.
“Well I can even make you guys some hot chocolate and then we can watch some TV before your parents wake up.” They all shined up and smiled at me. “Now why don’t you go out and watch TV and I’ll come with the chocolate in a minute.”
“Yay!” They rushed out of the kitchen.
“Kids.” I smiled as I brought out some more milk and the chocolate.

“Sandra?”
“Yes?” I looked down at the boy in my knee, he have just turned four.
“This is the best Christmas, ever!”
“Yes auntie, let’s spend all the Christmas here!” My youngest nephew said.
“You won’t be saying that in a few years, Tim. Trust me you won’t.” They all said they wanted to spend their Christmas at my house, since they could be with their families and their friends at the same time. I just nodded in agreement.

No country for old men

Just watched "No country for old men" staring - Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, at first I never thought I would actually see this movie, brushed is off as "Not my type of film." But after getting the order to get the movie and that we would see it later today I really didn't have much say in the matter - Mind you I did mix it up with a completely different movie when the guys started talking about it yesterday/day before.
And I must say it was a good film, worth watching no doubts. What got me to like this movie most were that it was a quite movie, no music in the background, nothing to suggest what would be in store. Usually no music means you lose the 'flow' of the movie some-what, but this little over two hour film, never once felt slow or that nothing where happening - even when nothing really was happening it was okay. And it was some-what of an "open"-ending, sure you get a closure but there are still some loose ends, and for once that doesn't bother me.

Well -even though it's almost 23:00 over I'm gonna take a shower and then the bed awaits.

So long for now
At the keys
Sam

Sexuality - Right or wrong?!

I've just been notified about just how wrong my feelings( and as he said needs) towards the women I've loved were, how the devil have planted those feelings in my mind. Seriously, I thought I would fall of my chair at least once, so much did I laugh (Or rather it started as laughter then I had a coughing fit, still sick). I thought I knew this man, but how during these years I could have missed the fact that he believed so strongly is beyond me.

During the last two hours he have told me how wrong he thinks my sexuality is, that he can't understand how I can have the same feelings towards a woman as I have towards a man. He has a real hard time understanding how someone can love someone of the same sex, or rather the thing he has a problem for is the fact that he can't understand how someone can have sexual feelings towards someone of the same sex and actually enjoy doing sexual things with someone of the same sex.

And I'm a little sorry to say that I don't see him in the same light anymore, he's almost like a complete different person now then last time I spoke to him. I won't shut him out of my life, he respects me and as long as he does that and don't try, again, to convince me that I live my life in sin I'll consider him a friend.

Well now I have to get something to eat because I have no energy left - I hate being sick!
At the keys
Sam

Feeling welcome

Oh how I love my family - really they throw away things that are mine without asking me if I want them, putting my things away when I told them I would come get them in a week or so - and then they ask why I don't want to spend time with them!?

I love my family I do - but I guess that's just because I have to more then anything right now. Having a mother that destroyed my childhood, a father that was never there (both because mother wouldn't let him and because he didn't try enough), and a brother who has no respect for what's mine....

*sigh* I was hoping today would be a fairly good day but as it is right now, I have little hope of it going the "right" way from here...

Hope you have a better day then my morning where...

At the keys
Sam