30th of May

30th of May
I hate that I lie, I hate that it comes so naturally for me, I hate that that people actually trust me despite everything. But most of all I hate myself.
To be honest I don’t look that bad when I put a little effort in my dressing or how I fix my hair. I know I’m overweight, I know how to lose weight, I know what things work and which don’t, yet I do nothing of it.
I could probably have a boyfriend but none is “good enough” or rather they aren’t like the guys I “fall” for, you see besides looks, attitude, and all that the main thing that a guy much “have” for me to fall for him is plain and simple, no interest in me what-so-freaking-ever as a girlfriend. You see, I can’t allow myself to actually be happy…
I loathe myself, I wish I could be different, that I would treat others better, like they should be treated, that I would stop being this bitch all the time. But you see, being the way I am, complaining, bitching, being miserable and all that shit, that’s much easier. Apparently…

28th of May

Love, yes that one thing everyone seems to want, besides money that is.  For someone that has no money, they always seem to bring trouble. A problem which could be resolved quickly if I had a job and was actually earning money.

A friend of mine recently came with a snarky remark when I pointed out that even if his rent were to be raised he would be able to afford it, “Just because you can live on nothing-“ Live was it? I don’t live on the little amount of money I get from social services, I barely get by, barely.

Living would be that you actually have a little sum left to spend on yourself, I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself for the sole reason that I just wanted it, for myself. I had my mother buy me shoes, because I had none to wear.

I need to buy a bra that would stop me from having this aching back every day, but I can’t do that because I have no money left after I’ve paid the bills and bought food. More so, the little amount I do have left is spent to pay everyone else back, since I am a failure and like my friend said “Can’t hold a job for more than two weeks.” Nor can I keep myself in school.

Everyone had such high hopes for me; I had such high hopes for me. I were the one that would make something out of myself, I were to be the one with a good paying job and they all thought I would have a boyfriend and maybe even a kid by now.

And I am however near that. I didn’t even finish school. I have no job, and my love life is pretty much none existent.

Why?

Okay, so why is it that I have such problems with finishing something I've started? Why is it that I try and get others to hurt me?...

We just want you to be happy

How the f**k do you go from pleasing everyone else to actually pleasing yourself with things you like/love doing? I mean pleasing everyone would be making myself happy, then they would be happy as well...but how do I make myself happy? What do I like doing? What do I enjoy in life? What makes me happy? *looks around herself* Hmm, I seriously don't know what makes me happy...
My stepmother called me last Friday, told me that they missed me, that there were a void where I used to be, that they just want me to be happy, feel good about myself, not pressure myself into doing things I don't want/can do when I feel like I've done/do. And then all the things I've told myself they want from me, all the pressure I've put on myself on their account, all that just lifted off my chest. Like a big stone was lifted from me so I for the first time in a really long time actually could breath.
A very strange feeling I might add. So here I am trying to figure out what makes me happy...
Anyone got suggestions?