Don't take it out on me

Before reading this I want to say that it started out with me being annoyed/pissed at someone that I really shouldn't have been pissed at, so at the beginning it might be like a sort of---attack at said person but I hope if you read the entire thing you will see that this is me taking out my frustrations, instead of arguing with this person that I got pissed at for no reason which would have lead to unnecessary hurt for anyone involved. With that said, take a few minutes to read my latest ”post” about what the hell is going on in my life and what's on my mind:

I ain't the easiest person to live with, I know that very well, I have troubles, and I really don't know how to make myself into an easier person to live with, especially if no one can tell me what it is that makes me so hard to live with in the first place.

I hate conflicts, thus I myself tend to complain, just like most people I know, to others instead of the person actually involved. Which more often then not creates even more problems.

Mainly because whoever you told will, even if they didn't think about it, tell the person you should have told in the beginning, if said persons actually talk on a regular basis.

I have this phobia, something called ”Social phobia”, which in general means that places with people is places I would avoid. If I don't a part of my brain that has been taught that these places are ”bad” will send signals to other parts of my brain telling me that I will most likely die if I stay at this place. Yes that's not only illogical but also completely blown out of proportions, but that is what I tell myself. I am afraid of people watching me, that people will try and trample me down.

So a simple task like go buy a litre/gallon (or whatever type of measuring names you have) of milk in an ordinary store is amongst the hardest things I have to do.

It feels like my ribs will crush my lungs, I can barely breath, my heart is racing, and many times my body freezes in the place I am standing/sitting and I can not move. I have no control over my body. I can ”scream” at it to move but not even a muscle moves.

That is me doing a simple task of just going to the store, now imagine what I'll go trough when I have to walk/travel to say a work place.

I have gotten better at handling this, and I am re-learning/teaching my brain that these things aren't ”bad” and they will not kill me. But it's not just like switching on a light, it won't just get ”good” from just a couple of tries. It will take time, more time than I want it to take but I will have to deal if I am ever going to have any type of normal life.

Now lets add the fact that I am also currently depressed, and have to take anti-depression medicine to even get through the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that is not what I am after, however I want people to understand why I many times does not act like a ”normal” person.

I have spent majority of my childhood with a mother addicted to pain medicine, people have later said that they wished they would have done something so me and my brother would have had a better childhood. And in the beginning I hated those people, they where the adults and yet they didn't do anything to help me live a ”normal” life.

But there is no reason for me to hate what they didn't do. Because even if I am messed up, I am not sure the alternative would have been better.

And no I am not saying that if I had to have lived with my father things would have been the same or even worse because I think living with my father would have been a blessing. It's just that living without my mother after they years she in a way abused me would probably have messed me up even more then living with her and by myself realizing how wrong she had been.

Now I am not sure what it really was that I wanted to say with this, I know that I want others to in a way understand me more but I don't know how to in the best way express how I feel, or how things have effected me. Most of my stories, poems and text reflects some part of me, a part of my past, my feeling at a given time or my wishes for the future.

And I do have one thing I really would like to do, but I have no idea how. And that is to edit, if needed, my poems and actually publish a small book with my poems.

And yes I do have other things I want to do, and things I need to do, and some things I have no choice but to do. But that is something I would love to make happen. I want to share my poems with anyone willing to read.

And if I actually made any kinda of money from it I could maybe pay off the depths I have, so I eventually would be able to have my own place and live my own life to the fullest.

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam

Debts, sleep deprive, going away.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about anything.
Yesterday was a great day :) I fixed with my debts and if it all works out like it should I should be out of debt in two years - And I had no debts at "Kronofogden" (head of enforcement district I believe) so a reason to celebrate! Heh I was told by a friend that I had to celebrate it, and not with just some ice cream. 
So together with Vik I went out and had dinner and drank a couple of beers. Was nice.


Me and Vik will also be leaving for my aunt and uncles this Friday. It's been a couple of months since we last went. Looking forward to it.


Haven't really been sleeping these last...five-ish days. and today I'm just not feeling that well but I have things I need to do. Blargh! I just want to go back to sleep. I was supposed take my 'sleeping pill' last night but I got caught up in the game and before I knew it it was past twelve. I went to bed after my brother...I rarely do that. I could use a day to just sleep.


Tomorrow we're going to Stockholm and the Sci-Fi-bookstore :) Gonna check for a birthday present, or rather check if they have it in store, since I want it as well ^^ (Did that perhaps make it easier or harder for you, hun?).


Well bye for now
//Sam

Choices

by ~Unelore

We all have choices in life right? We choose how we live, where we work, who we live with, right?
No. That's not completely right. Because we are born in to this life without a choice. Then our parents, if we are lucky to have them, decides where we live and with whom. They decide where we go to school and they always wants us to do well in school. 
But for some of us that isn't the easiest part to do. Some of us are made fun of, bullied, picked and even kicked at. And that my friend is the first time you can really decide something for yourself. Stand up for what is happening or just get kicked around or do the kicking around. That choice didn't our parents make. We did.
Then our parents makes the decision to who we are allowed to see, some of us have the unluck to be able to hang with whomever we choose. Simply because our parents doesn't care. Then there is those who aren't allowed to 'hang' with others then their parents 'friends' kids. 
And this is where we learn to either dislike society because of the lack of carrying for the poor or dislike it because of they raises the taxes to get more money to those in need.

Don't think that your way at seeing at life doesn't have anything to do with where you where born and how you where raised. Or that it doesn't have anything to do with where you did get your education, if you were that lucky to have gotten one. Because, my friend, that matters more then other things.

What I'm about to tell you is how many see things;
If you where poor growing up, you will be poor when you're an adult.
If you where rich growing up, you will have money when you're an adult.
And here's where most people think that there's no way that anything could change, but you see this is where they are wrong.
A poor person can become rich, by things like saving, getting an education or just by plain luck; win at the lottery.
A rich person can become poor in so many ways that I have no energy to write them up, and I would probably miss a lot of them to if I would try.

So what is it that I am trying to say with this? That we can't choose at all? That everything is ruled by chance?

No, not really. I mean, it's luck if you get born into a family with money and yet unlucky if it turns out that the only thing that matters is the money. I would rather consider myself lucky if I was born in a less fortunate but loving family, that doesn't care for money more then a way to pay the bills and put food on the table.

And yet I think that with all my babble we haven't really become any wiser, have we? 

Then I choose to stop this, and you, friend, can choose to think about what I've said in this weird text of sort, or choose not to.

It's up to you.

My regards to you,
L.A.T.E

Do you remember

This poem I wrote three-ish years ago. Please read to the end of the post.

Do you remember?

by ~Unelore

Do you remember?
All those years ago?
When you held me close,
letting me cry in your arms?

When things got worse,
you held me until all my tears had dried out

Do you remember;
lying down next to each other?
listening to me cry in your arms?
comforting me when things got out of hand?
just being there?

Because I do

I remember
all those years ago
when you held me close
letting me cry in your arms

Being held 'til I calmed down

lying next to you
listening to you sleep
Remembering your arms around me
when things got out of hand

I remember you being there
And I miss you
I really do

I miss listening to you slow breathing 
right there next to me
I miss the feeling of safety
in your arms
I miss everything
I took for granted

I miss you...
---
I have someone like that again in my life, someone that I feel safe with again. Someone that doesn't care about all the shit I've been through, someone that helps me stand when I've fallen, someone that I treasure with all my heart.


I'm going through my things on dA when I read this poem again and realized that I have what I missed back then. And that's a very nice thing to realize I must say.


With love
Sam