Don't take it out on me

Before reading this I want to say that it started out with me being annoyed/pissed at someone that I really shouldn't have been pissed at, so at the beginning it might be like a sort of---attack at said person but I hope if you read the entire thing you will see that this is me taking out my frustrations, instead of arguing with this person that I got pissed at for no reason which would have lead to unnecessary hurt for anyone involved. With that said, take a few minutes to read my latest ”post” about what the hell is going on in my life and what's on my mind:

I ain't the easiest person to live with, I know that very well, I have troubles, and I really don't know how to make myself into an easier person to live with, especially if no one can tell me what it is that makes me so hard to live with in the first place.

I hate conflicts, thus I myself tend to complain, just like most people I know, to others instead of the person actually involved. Which more often then not creates even more problems.

Mainly because whoever you told will, even if they didn't think about it, tell the person you should have told in the beginning, if said persons actually talk on a regular basis.

I have this phobia, something called ”Social phobia”, which in general means that places with people is places I would avoid. If I don't a part of my brain that has been taught that these places are ”bad” will send signals to other parts of my brain telling me that I will most likely die if I stay at this place. Yes that's not only illogical but also completely blown out of proportions, but that is what I tell myself. I am afraid of people watching me, that people will try and trample me down.

So a simple task like go buy a litre/gallon (or whatever type of measuring names you have) of milk in an ordinary store is amongst the hardest things I have to do.

It feels like my ribs will crush my lungs, I can barely breath, my heart is racing, and many times my body freezes in the place I am standing/sitting and I can not move. I have no control over my body. I can ”scream” at it to move but not even a muscle moves.

That is me doing a simple task of just going to the store, now imagine what I'll go trough when I have to walk/travel to say a work place.

I have gotten better at handling this, and I am re-learning/teaching my brain that these things aren't ”bad” and they will not kill me. But it's not just like switching on a light, it won't just get ”good” from just a couple of tries. It will take time, more time than I want it to take but I will have to deal if I am ever going to have any type of normal life.

Now lets add the fact that I am also currently depressed, and have to take anti-depression medicine to even get through the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that is not what I am after, however I want people to understand why I many times does not act like a ”normal” person.

I have spent majority of my childhood with a mother addicted to pain medicine, people have later said that they wished they would have done something so me and my brother would have had a better childhood. And in the beginning I hated those people, they where the adults and yet they didn't do anything to help me live a ”normal” life.

But there is no reason for me to hate what they didn't do. Because even if I am messed up, I am not sure the alternative would have been better.

And no I am not saying that if I had to have lived with my father things would have been the same or even worse because I think living with my father would have been a blessing. It's just that living without my mother after they years she in a way abused me would probably have messed me up even more then living with her and by myself realizing how wrong she had been.

Now I am not sure what it really was that I wanted to say with this, I know that I want others to in a way understand me more but I don't know how to in the best way express how I feel, or how things have effected me. Most of my stories, poems and text reflects some part of me, a part of my past, my feeling at a given time or my wishes for the future.

And I do have one thing I really would like to do, but I have no idea how. And that is to edit, if needed, my poems and actually publish a small book with my poems.

And yes I do have other things I want to do, and things I need to do, and some things I have no choice but to do. But that is something I would love to make happen. I want to share my poems with anyone willing to read.

And if I actually made any kinda of money from it I could maybe pay off the depths I have, so I eventually would be able to have my own place and live my own life to the fullest.

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.