Parasite

“I was 13 when I was forced into adulthood, I was 14 when my world crumbled down, I was 15 when I tried to kill myself for the first time, 16 when I tried making it better, 17 when I thought my life was over, 18 when I stopped believing all the lies, I was 19 when I finally understood what was going on and that I needed to get out. “

“But it has to stop, because if it doesn’t I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t mean to worry you but this is what I feel. I am fully aware that there are people out there that care for me. But what good does that do when I can’t even care for myself? “

“My problems may not be how I should dress to get as many to buy my body for their use. My problems is not how to put food on the table for my children since their father left with all our saving, neither is my problems that I do not have a roof over my head or cloths on my body. No my problems may not be that extreme, but they are mine and they causes pain in my heart and soul. “

“But as an empty shell I continued my life. “

“I don’t think I will be able to do this. Scared, afraid, that is what I am. I am in no condition to do things like this, but I am so sick of disappointing my family. They may say that they aren’t disappointed at me but they are. I can see it and it hurts. They are hurt, because of me. “

“I have repelled most of my friends because of this ‘bitchy-know-it-all-don’t-care’-attitude. I have lost trust from my own family because of my own continues failures. “

“I don’t know what I have to do to make things right in my life. I really don’t. I can’t seam to realize it either. I need to clean up my life… I just don’t know where to start. “

“I am sorry for getting peoples hope up. I am sorry for feeling weak… “

“Guilt, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Disappointment they all were there.
They are all still here, just not as present as they were yesterday, Depression was soon followed by Pain neither one will leave me now. How much I may pray for them to leave they won’t leave… “

Just read through a lot of texts I've written during these last three years - and for some reason nothing seems to have changed. I'm still the same as I were three years ago - I might just be the same as I was seven years ago when my mother was admitted to the hospital. I say I want to change the way I am - yet I do nothing to change it. I say I want to do something with my life - yet I only make myself feel bad.

That seems to be the only thing I am capable of doing is just that hurting myself, and those around me. I'm like a parasite, living of other peoples money, hard work, and their feelings...