Yesterday 'n sleepless night

I was planing on writing something else yesterday since somethings actually happened, but for some reason I didn't...

Talked with my social secretary yesterday, she made a lot more sense this time around. First thing I need to do is get my welfare officer to help me figure out what's stopping me from finishing what I've started, if I need to be on the sick-list or if just talking, or meds would help me. She also said that being in the employment agency means one should be able to be out on a work tomorrow and we both know I'm not. Thus she said that maybe being on the sick-list would be best for me right now. And even if I hate being on it, it's even worse not being right now...

I mean I do feel better, since I'm not suicidal anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't have issues that's need to be handle. I just didn't want to think about that. I pushed those thoughts down somewhere else in my brain, for later use or something. II guess now's "Later".

Two nights with little sleep, nightmares and getting woken up by the cats.

Now I'm gonna pack the very last things, check the entire apartment for anything that's mine and pack that. Tomorrow is moving day :O

Yes and call my grandma as well to see if we can borrow her car.

Bye for now.
//Sam

Giving blood

This morning were my first time giving blood, my right arm didn't work so she had to do it in the left are. Thus I am not allowed to carry to heavy things in either arm right now - I've cared about that? Not much have the laundry machine going, packed some minor things of mine and threw cloths in a big black plastic bag since mister decided that's how he wants his cloths moved. Still got a lot of his cloths to pack (I'll probably make him do it later and then the newly cleaned cloths tomorrow when they've dried).
Oh and when one gives blood you get to chose something for doing it, like a T-shirt, mug, or like a lotto ticket. I took a ticket and I actually won a little money, now we're talking the lowest amount x2 (you can have up to x10 the amount). ^^ A nice little bonus :)
Tuffs, the longhaired kitten, moves today/tonight. Some mixed feelings about that, it's great since he gets to go to two person I know will care well for him and he'll be happy with them but I still kind of want to have him with me as well. But as I've said many times before, can't keep everyone of them. I would have to live out on the country side with a well-paying job to afford all the cats I would have by now then *chuckles*

^^

I missed you before we even said goodbye, I missed to have you right there next to me so much I kept tossing and turning all night. I used to make fun of some of my friends when they used to tell me that they couldn't sleep because their someone weren't there. Now I regret making fun of them.
There's not much fun in this situation, though it's a little fun that because of/thanks to this I realized that these feelings I have, this crush as I said before it's not just that. A year has soon passed and sure I get annoyed and sometimes angry with him, but it doesn't matter as long as he is there with me. We might fight, might get really upset with each other but at least I have someone that I love that will fight me when I'm wrong, slap me over the wrist when I do something stupid and someone that will hold me when I get sad.
He might not feel exactly like me, but I get to be with him and when that's the case it's just doesn't matter; He makes me happy.

Tuesday

In the apartment all alone (people vice that is), was in a fairly good mood when I got up this morning, now on the other hand, not so much. Though it's more the fact I have little to none energy to do anything.

Called "obesity unit" today, my doctor had apparently not sent in the referral to them, so I call my doctors office and he hadn't even written the referral in the first place and of course he wouldn't be back from his vacation until 15th of August. Thus I have to wait another three weeks before I know anything...

Broke down in tears after that... the energy I had just left me.

But hopefully I'll get some energy to do the last things that needs to be done.

Bye for now
Sam

Monday

Got a machine going with laundry, helped pack down the rest of the books for the bookcases in our room. Doesn't feel like I've slept at all but at least I don't have pain anywhere ;) Got to focus on the good things.

Will probably have all my things, beside computer and bed sheets, packed by tomorrow. Feels good to just having to move them now. Not sure how I'll move them from here to my brothers place. Should call dad and ask for help. Proved to be more of the things I have then I thought. I didn't think my manga would take up four boxes >.<

Only got one more load for the washing machine, then I shouldn't have any more cloths anywhere... I will most likely be proven wrong later on.

Should get something to eat, haven't eaten since around 15:00 yesterday, 21 hours ago. And I ate half a 90gram hamburger and almost the entire plate with fries...

Well till next time
Sam

Saturday - Sunday

This is something I wrote on the way home last night, something I've felt on more then one occasion. Some of it is painted up a little worse then it is, and I feel better about it today, but I kind of promise to post it on my blog so here it is;

I've said so many time that I don't understand how someone could stay with their cheating or abusive partner. I've always asked what the hell are they thinking with.. But I see now, or rather I don't quite understand it but I think I know the feeling they must feel.
I'm in a "relationship" that does me more bad then good things most of the time. I am not the person he loves the most, I am neither the person he thinks about most, nor am I the person he wants to be with. All this I know yet I stay, with the little hope that since he's with me and has me in the same "group" as the other three women I might just have a shot. But now a year has passed and the hurt is still there, he still loves someone else more, he still thinks about someone else and I am still not the person he wants to be with...so why the hell do I stay? I stay for the few tender times I get, for the times he holds me in his arms, for the times he makes me feel special. I stay for those rare times of happiness. I stay for the happiness I tell myself I wouldn't have gotten with someone else. But it's not true. I know this but I can't seem to accept it. I don't want to, or rather a part of me doesn't want to because of those times. But then there's the part of me that's sick of times like tonight. I am so sick of listening to how he could get it on with one of them, how he wants to be with the second one and how "unworthy" he is of her. I am sick of it! It's just bullshit!
I'm so sick of myself for letting him hurt me the way he seems to always do, I'm so sick of this sick relationship we have. For over a year I have been in love with a man that most likely will NEVER love me even close to the way I love him. I give him my body to use and he scars it, I give him my heart and he broke it and I think he's holding my soul since I am not able to tear away...

--- I hate the fact that I can mange to have little to none grammar/spelling mistakes when I'm upset whilst writing....or rather I am very annoyed at that fact.

Now today we went to Norrtälje and bought moving boxes and some papper bags to pack our things in. I've packed my manga, my books, notebooks, pens and colors, and some other mics things. That's probably all I'll do for today, concerning packing that is, tomorrow will be calling and laundry day. Got a lot of calls to make, I've realized. Will pack most of my cloths as well tomorrow I guess - the clean ones at least.
Will be dying Ac's hair and then cutting both his and Kens hair later, when neither one of them are all to busy.

Bye for now.

//Sam

Homeless...kinda

Um so I kind of got kicked out, told to move last night, indirectly. I crashed. What I said yesterday about my shakes, yea when upset the get triggered. Was shaking on and off about five hours, which also means I was putting a lot of pressure on my jaw resulting in my having a really hard time going to sleep since my entire jaw was in pain - crying didn't help much either.

So I'm off to talk with my brother and later my dad and stepmum, see what they have to say about it. Should probably also call my mother, but I'll do that when I've talked with my dad. Not really sure where I will go from here, I'm kinda homeless at the time.

I wasn't the only one that got kicked out but both Ken and Ac have parents to go back home to, I'm not sure what I've got. Feeling better then I did about five hours ago(when I was trying to go to sleep) but mostly cause I can maybe have a thought without the headache and jawpain.

Turning of the computer in a bit. Ttyl

Regards Sam

Shakes

Yet another day and another fight - Heh, yes that seems to be the case over here more often then not these days. And as usual I feel even more useless then ever whenever there is a fight and when the screaming starts I will start shaking because of the bad experience I've had. It doesn't matter if the person/persons is screaming at me or at each other I start to shake.
And it is amongst the worst things I know is the feeling I get when someone argues in load voices and the shakes, the shakes are the worst thing...

Odd dreams

Odd dreams, somewhat awesome dreams but still odd. The one I remember when I got up, 20min ago, I was in some kind of school. And we where having a contest, it reminds me of Mario cart meeting GTA (none of which I've ever been that good at), first I was just playing my brother (whom I rarely ever beat in MC) and a couple of friends and I won, by a lot! Then the contest started and I won everything, though no one seemed surprised, not even I :/ And then when I went to my locker there where two other "diplomas" from the last two years with me winning as well. I had apparently started it two years ago and so far none could beat me >.< :P XD

Odd dreams, check! :P I'm blaming them on...the little alcohol I drank before bed. I'm really tired today, could be the lack of sleep or the fact I woke up 20 or so min ago.

Well now some WoW :D

Bye bye for now :D

Im so sick

I'm so sick of, everyone...no actually that's incorrect. I'm so sick of me. So sick of this other, person, in me. I'm exhausted of trying to be this one person that I so wish I could be and frankly it seems impossible. I'm tired of smiling, tired of painting this face, I guess people see it now. Just how annoying and impossible I am.

later;
Yet again I feel utterly useless and unwanted. Something I seem to feel to often nowadays. I wish I knew what I had to do to change the way I am, but since everyone expect me to know that and wont help me then I guess I might just not stay here for much longer... then again hopefully it will get better when I get to those doctors...
I'll probably have to do that operation, and I guess I do need it, really much. I know what kind of problems will come after it, and I'm not sure how many friends (if any) I'll have left when I this turns ugly.

I really hate when I get like this, if I was living alone I don't doubt that I would start cutting again. And sometimes I just wish I could go back to having that release, because as it is right now, the only "release" I have it arguing/yelling at someone else that has done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I am really... no I'm not gonna finish that. Live as you teach, live as you learn... I hate how some people I know complain and look down on themselves, but I have no right to say anything about it since I'm just the same. Or maybe that's a reason that I'm allowed?

I don't think there's anything about myself or in my life that I don't dislike/hate right now... *sigh* sure I like my friends and family fine I love them...but that's just about it...and sometimes I don't even like them... *shakes head* what the hell happened? What the fuck did I do wrong? I thought I had everything planed. Everything would just go as I had planed, I would never have to feel the pain I felt growing up...though have I really grown up? Am I not still that 13 year old child scared shitless about what to tell her teachers when she's not eating anything because what her mother did during the night?! Am I not still that child? That child that figured out lying would be so much easier then just telling the truth? That child that built up another persona just to keep from hurting to much? Am I not that child? ...I am soon twenty-two and I doubt I have anything to show for myself, I know there's stories of people that don't find their "purpose" until much later, but must it feel so useless? So hopeless?

*sigh* Now I doubt I'll be able to sleep much - I hate - well that's the word of the day; Hate; 1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest:

I just want to cry and be left alone...and yet at the same time I just want someone to hold me close and tell me everything will be alright...

Weather

So at home alone, which is nice though this weather might just kill me or just sweat me some pounds of *chuckles* Seriously, this is some fucked up weather going on, sure we’ve had these temps before but that usually just lasted a week, now on the other hand it’s been like this since what ? A month? More? And I know I shouldn’t complain since its sunny and hot but there’s a line, right now I can barely do anything at all during the hours between 11-18, seriously, this is siesta time! *laughs* Then again our winter was colder than it’s been in years.
A friend of mine had a great idea for the ultimate vacation; be a cat for a few days ^^ No worries – just eat, play, sleep, use the bathroom :P No pressure from anywhere! XD
Well now before I watch the next ep of ReGenesis I need to heat up my pan pizza so I get some food in me. Bye for now….

Did something I shouldn't have

What if you find something out, about someone, that you weren't suppose to know? And that something might just cause you more pain if you say you know it then pretending you're clueless...
Yet that something is something you kinda want to know the reason for...but I find myself in the position that I can't ask about it unless I get some "bait" from this person so I get a reason to ask... though I find that highly unlikely.
Hmm sucks learning something you weren't supposed to know nor something you really wanted to know in the first place. Damn... *sigh*