Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Meaning that it's celebration time over here. Openings of presents. Eating good food with families and friends.
So how am I spending my Christmas Eve? From 7-12 I am doing laundry. Then I am going to my cousins place and changing gifts and hanging out with them :) Christmas with children are awesome. After that, I'm hanging out with a couple of friends. :) Looking forward to tomorrow ^^
This will be my first Christmas that I can't see my mother. It is not the first Christmas I spend without her, but it will be the first Christmas that I can't even go see her before or after whatever I do on Christmas Eve.
It's feeling a little harder then I thought it would be. I can only compare it to when my grandfather passed, but he passed just a few weeks before Christmas and the funeral was in the days between Christmas and New years.
Still I do love Christmas.
That's it for now.
Laters and Merry Christmas to all
with love
Sandra
Dec 23, 2010
Dec 10, 2010
A good day
I get to throw away loads of stuff today, thanks to a lot of help from a friend, actually they're two that's helping me but one of them have the car and the trailer :) I am very thankful that he could make it.
Hopefully most of the stuff we're not keeping will be gone by the end of the day. Doubt it all will be gone, but having some gone is a weight of my chest.
And when it's done I get to take up the tree and decorate my room for Christmas :) Really looking forward to this Sunday :D
Speaking of Sunday, I need to find my Christmas wrapping paper. I have presents to wrap, one especially for Sunday :)
I'll update later how it turned out :) Bye for now.
With love
Sam
Hopefully most of the stuff we're not keeping will be gone by the end of the day. Doubt it all will be gone, but having some gone is a weight of my chest.
And when it's done I get to take up the tree and decorate my room for Christmas :) Really looking forward to this Sunday :D
Speaking of Sunday, I need to find my Christmas wrapping paper. I have presents to wrap, one especially for Sunday :)
I'll update later how it turned out :) Bye for now.
With love
Sam
Dec 9, 2010
Just not...(add)
*sigh* Just not really up for this. It's getting awfully hard.
I miss my best friend. I miss my mother. I wish I was stronger. I wish these things didn't effect me.
I *sigh* just...I'm trying so hard to see the big picture. But it's getting hard seeing through tear-filled eyes.
A part of me is missing, a part left with her
another part leaves me every time you do
Tears rolling down my cheeks
sometimes for no reason
other times for a good one
I smile
though there is no happiness there
I laugh...
at how it all turned out
There's happy times
It's just so hard to see
with my vision all blurred
I miss my best friend. I miss my mother. I wish I was stronger. I wish these things didn't effect me.
I *sigh* just...I'm trying so hard to see the big picture. But it's getting hard seeing through tear-filled eyes.
A part of me is missing, a part left with her
another part leaves me every time you do
Tears rolling down my cheeks
sometimes for no reason
other times for a good one
I smile
though there is no happiness there
I laugh...
at how it all turned out
There's happy times
It's just so hard to see
with my vision all blurred
Dec 8, 2010
Update
Been feeling a little worse to wear for a couple of days. Getting better now. I hope. Finished my assignment for school earlier today, had a friend check it over before I sent it in. As longs as I pass I'm good. I should be trying more,I should be getting A's but right now I can't be bothered to.
And that's just sad in an out of itself.
Paid two of the three rents today. Glad most of it's out of the way.
Looking forward to this Sunday. Even if I'm starting to regret some minor things about it.
Made food for me and the boys today, tasted good, which is more than I can say about most of the things I've been making as of late. I really wish I could cook for the people I love but since I don't really have the money to treat anyone to dinner it just have to wait. And the fact that none of them really have time makes it just that much harder.
Off to see the last eps of Dark Angel.
And that's just sad in an out of itself.
Paid two of the three rents today. Glad most of it's out of the way.
Looking forward to this Sunday. Even if I'm starting to regret some minor things about it.
Made food for me and the boys today, tasted good, which is more than I can say about most of the things I've been making as of late. I really wish I could cook for the people I love but since I don't really have the money to treat anyone to dinner it just have to wait. And the fact that none of them really have time makes it just that much harder.
Off to see the last eps of Dark Angel.
Dec 5, 2010
^^
Good night ;)
Feeling really good. I think it's 'cause I've spent yesterday and most of the day today with J. I've missed hanging out with him. So I slept at his place last night, first time in little over a year, had a great day yesterday. Spent a couple of hours shopping, even if it where more looking up things that we think will look good on K and Ac later when we go shopping with them. I've missed how J have a way of making me smile, for nothing really.
Spent the evening today alone, not counting the hours my younger brother spent in the other room by his computer *chuckles*, around nine I played some Wc3 with a friend for about three hours. Was really fun :) Happy he made time to play with me :)
Now I've boiled some tea, lit some candles in my room and waiting for J, he's been out with the boys tonight. They a 'Boy's night out', and I was baned. For once I wasn't 'one of the boys', which is great and a little sad as well.
Getting a little tired. Will probably not be up much longer, after J gets here.
'night people :)
love
Sammie
Feeling really good. I think it's 'cause I've spent yesterday and most of the day today with J. I've missed hanging out with him. So I slept at his place last night, first time in little over a year, had a great day yesterday. Spent a couple of hours shopping, even if it where more looking up things that we think will look good on K and Ac later when we go shopping with them. I've missed how J have a way of making me smile, for nothing really.
Spent the evening today alone, not counting the hours my younger brother spent in the other room by his computer *chuckles*, around nine I played some Wc3 with a friend for about three hours. Was really fun :) Happy he made time to play with me :)
Now I've boiled some tea, lit some candles in my room and waiting for J, he's been out with the boys tonight. They a 'Boy's night out', and I was baned. For once I wasn't 'one of the boys', which is great and a little sad as well.
Getting a little tired. Will probably not be up much longer, after J gets here.
'night people :)
love
Sammie
Dec 3, 2010
Friday yay ^^
Hilo,
Got yet another night of awesome amount of sleep! Yay! ^_^ Little annoyed at the fact I keep waking up ten minutes before my alarm will go off, thinking about setting my alarm ten minutes past the time I'm supposed to go up and maybe I'll wake up on the right time?! Hmm, who knows it might work?
Today feels like it might be a very good day. Not sure why but it's a hunch.
Leaving in like an hour, taking the bus to Stockholm to meet up J. We're going shopping, again, this time for a hat. ^^
I better try and get some food down before I leave.
with love
Sam
Got yet another night of awesome amount of sleep! Yay! ^_^ Little annoyed at the fact I keep waking up ten minutes before my alarm will go off, thinking about setting my alarm ten minutes past the time I'm supposed to go up and maybe I'll wake up on the right time?! Hmm, who knows it might work?
Today feels like it might be a very good day. Not sure why but it's a hunch.
Leaving in like an hour, taking the bus to Stockholm to meet up J. We're going shopping, again, this time for a hat. ^^
I better try and get some food down before I leave.
with love
Sam
Speaking.
When the hell did talking get so hard? I could tell you pretty much anything and everything. So when did it change? Why did it? Looks like I'm not the only one that has trouble speaking her mind.
Dec 2, 2010
A little something
So it looks like it wasn't the medicine, I do have to contact another doctor to check my blood pressure, EKG and some other things, since me passing out might be a lot of different things.
Oh and I'm so sick of myself lately, when I feel bad instead of say that I'm feeling bad I get angry or upset at the people I want to be around, the ones I want to hug me, hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. And then that little voice in my head gets even worse telling me that none of my "so-called" friends even care about me, that they don't even care what happens to me.
But I know it's not true, that's the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid, I know my friends care. And I know they would come running if I ask, 9/10 times at least, and that's what's keeping me up.
I'm on my fourth day on the medicine, meaning what ever I feel, I feel it so many times more now then I did a couple of days ago. Any feeling is multiplied by 10 or something.
I'm very glad to have a day when I don't really have to do anything, but being alone is taking it's toll. I do need some time alone. But it's hard.
And the thing is, when I feel bad I usually need people around because I know I have a tendency to do something stupid if I am alone. Which also gives people around me the impression I'm very social, but then the times when I feel better comes around and I need to be alone. It takes so much energy being social, it's one thing being with someone and just be, like being in the same room but not doing anything together nor talking with each other, but being around people takes so much energy. I feel the need to be somewhat happy and when you're not feeling 100 that takes energy. So when I feel better I want to recuperate by being alone, and that's when people think I'm feeling bad.
Don't get me wrong, I like being around people, but not all the time, and especially not when I do actually feel great. Because when I feel great I can write, I can read, and do the things I really love. Okay now that made it even worse. Hmm, maybe I should just stop right there before I dig myself any deeper into this hellhole I've just dug.
Well that's it for now. I'll full-screen my episode of Dark Angel and try not to think to much.
//Sam
Oh and I'm so sick of myself lately, when I feel bad instead of say that I'm feeling bad I get angry or upset at the people I want to be around, the ones I want to hug me, hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. And then that little voice in my head gets even worse telling me that none of my "so-called" friends even care about me, that they don't even care what happens to me.
But I know it's not true, that's the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid, I know my friends care. And I know they would come running if I ask, 9/10 times at least, and that's what's keeping me up.
I'm on my fourth day on the medicine, meaning what ever I feel, I feel it so many times more now then I did a couple of days ago. Any feeling is multiplied by 10 or something.
I'm very glad to have a day when I don't really have to do anything, but being alone is taking it's toll. I do need some time alone. But it's hard.
And the thing is, when I feel bad I usually need people around because I know I have a tendency to do something stupid if I am alone. Which also gives people around me the impression I'm very social, but then the times when I feel better comes around and I need to be alone. It takes so much energy being social, it's one thing being with someone and just be, like being in the same room but not doing anything together nor talking with each other, but being around people takes so much energy. I feel the need to be somewhat happy and when you're not feeling 100 that takes energy. So when I feel better I want to recuperate by being alone, and that's when people think I'm feeling bad.
Don't get me wrong, I like being around people, but not all the time, and especially not when I do actually feel great. Because when I feel great I can write, I can read, and do the things I really love. Okay now that made it even worse. Hmm, maybe I should just stop right there before I dig myself any deeper into this hellhole I've just dug.
Well that's it for now. I'll full-screen my episode of Dark Angel and try not to think to much.
//Sam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)