Three weeks

I wasn't sure if I should write online about it, but I know how I work and if I want to move passed this I need to get it out there.
I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, us, or looking to make anyone uncomfortable BUT as I have written before writing about things is so far the best way for me to work through my issues.

Last year we decided that we would try to expand our family, that we would try to have a child. In January all contraceptives where out, in February I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
I had gotten pregnant on our "first try". I had expected months of disappointment when my period would arrive but here I was pregnant.
Call gyn and got an appointment for my eight week check up. It got delayed and the week of the check up started with a minor bleeding.
It was nothing to worry about, a little bleeding was nothing out of the ordinary in the beginning.
Tuesday found me bleeding,  less than the day before but now it hurt.
The nurse told me that if it got worse, pain or bleeding, to call again.
Wednesday started alright, in the middle of the day the pain came back in force and I was bleeding like I did on heavy days during my period. When I went to pee and a big clutch of blood and secrete was the result I was edging on a panic attack.
The nurse told me that if I could I should wait to see my doctor in the morning, the ER wasn't as well prepared as my gynaecologist would be but if the pain wasn't bearable I should get to the ER. But even then there wouldn't be anything anyone could do if it was a miscarriage - which she believed it was.
My partner held me as I broke down trying to tell him I most likely had had a miscarriage.

Thursday I got a time to a gynaecologist to confirm. She was a lovely doctor, informed me that it was nothing I had done, nor was there anything I could have done differently. She gave me more information on the vitamins and such I should eat to improve the chances of the next pregnancy - if that was something we would try.
She said that it sadly wasn't that uncommon for a first time pregnancy to end in the first weeks.
The ultrasound show that besides blood my uterus wad empty and that I had in fact had a miscarriage the day before.
I was given a pregnancy test which I am to use four weeks after, if it indicates anything besides the control square I was to contact them again.

That was three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I lost the life growing inside of me. Three weeks of trying to go from finally coming to turns with being pregnant to it not being true.
I was exhausted and to a degree I still am. The little life I had started getting, crushed.

I want to move forward. I want the next time to work better. I want to do something besides locking myself in myself and shutting the outside out... I want to be strong, for myself. I want to be a person and NOT my issues.
I want to be me - who ever that will turn out to be.

Regards
Sam

I don't even

I was talking with my brother earlier, you know the usual stuff, and about how their weekend back home had been.
And just like anyones hometown there are bound to be rumors.
"Did you hear about X? Y told W who told Q who told me that X had___."

An old family friend had heard I was in therapy because my mother had abused ( if we got it right) when I was a kid. So our family friend asked their son (friend of my brother) if maybe they should be there for us.
The son then talked to my brother.

Let's get some things straight, my mother might have abused me Mentally (still in no way ok) and I've been in therapy for just that but my mother has been dead for almost FIVE years. I live in another town with my partner in our apartment with our cats and we're trying to add to our family.
NOTHING anyone has to say or offer can change my childhood or my time as a teen. What my mother did can't be changed.
I've spent over a decade in and out of therapy working on relearning the things she taught me, learning that I am worth something among other things.
So what could possibly be good about trying to "be here for me"? So many years after the fact. I am a child of an addict - I learned to accept that as a fact when I was 19.
I am now five months from turning 27, I have people that support me now especially when I'm not even aware of my need for their support.
And I still have things to work on in my life, will always have some of the past there to remind me of where I don't want to end up.

It's just a little to late. Focus on your own life.
And should you want me something, just to know if what you heard is right, just ask ME instead.

I will go back to my burrito-ing in the sofa.

Stay safe
Sam

Two weeks

It's been two week of this new year and right now I feel utterly useless.
I want to do things I just can't get myself to do them, which makes me feel bad which in turn makes me less likely to do anything - This wonderful circle of Shit.

Stressing over things I really don't even need to stress about!
GAH! I want to say I hate my life - it's the go to thing for me. But I don't. I just hate that I am in this situation and I am not sure what to do to get myself out of it.

My partner tries, and I love him for it. But he shouldn't have to drag me or nag at me for me to do things. It's not right.

I'm in a state of self loathing right now. I want to bury myself in sweets and soda - I can at least say I had maybe one bottle of soda in the last 13 days, which is maybe a sixth of what I drank before. Go progress! Or something.

Still need to exercise. I want to say get back to it - but I am not sure it's "going back to it" when it was never really something I did enough.

Period and low days are NOT a good combination. GAH!

"Feel-Better-About-Myself-In-All-Ways"

Lets get started!

Today is the start of "Feel-Better-About-Myself-In-All-Ways" *chuckles*

Small changes that will make me feel better about myself and my life, little things that really isn't much change from how it is now yet when this year is over I hope to be - not a "better" person, I want to be me. More of me.
Be proud of what I have done, proud of who I am and looking forward to whatever the future will throw my way - Knowing I will survive, I have people that care for me. People that won't judge me if I stumble or even if I fall.

I have learnt that I pressure myself way to much, especially with telling people things I want to try and do for myself - So I will not go in to specifics about WHAT I am going to do but I want to tell others I am giving myself the chance to be 'better' (I really dislike that term for this, but I can't think of a word that would convey what I want to say).

I have several goals for me to get to, some bigger than others but over all they will make me feel more content with myself and my place in this world. I have several things I need to work on within myself as well as thing about my appearance and things around me.

There will be challenges, there will come hardship and I'll want to throw everything out the window but that's when my partner gets to shake some sense back into me. *smiles* I am not doing this alone.

No more "Me against the world"! I am NOT alone.

One thing I did start over a month ago is my writing and I have over 21k words so far and a side story  of a couple of thousand words going right now. I took a 'break' over the holidays, I will NOT push myself with this. This is also something I do to feel better about myself - when I get comments, bookmarks and kudos that makes me feel better but it's not the reason I write, it's a great bonus though.

With that I will hope you all had a great holiday and that this new year will bring at least as much happiness as it might bring you sadness or hardship.

With love
Sam