Feeling better

Last Friday I had an appointment with my doctor, where we decided to raise my medicine dose. And for the first time in several months I have more then one good day in a row.

Yesterday I went, on my own, to one of the biggest shopping centers in our town to buy our Christmas presents for "in-laws" (easiest way to say it). And I also went grocery shopping in the same area.
Note to self: don't go shopping alone if you plan on buy loads of things.

When I got home I wrapped the present, made dinner and played some games.

I had an appointment for my conversational therapy today, but it got reschedule to next week, Monday 14:15.

I have "homework" from my doctor, "To do something for myself once a week, such as go for a coffee or such things".

Feeling much better again, which as always scare me a little.

Well for now, have a good day

Bye

Gaming instead of...well everything

So been down in a slump lately.... I can barely get out from the apartment. Been sick, on and off for over a month, even went to the doctor the other day since my fever keeps coming back but it wasn't anything wrong.

Only nights I've slept the whole night is the nights I have taken sleeping pills which isn't the best, though at least I get some sleep. I try not to take them every night, my therapist says that I should maybe try and take them every night for two weeks and it should help. I just don't know.

With that said, these last days I haven't been able to leave the apartment. I've needed to go to the store for two days, but I just couldn't get my ass out of the door. So I have pretty much just watched series and been playing games, mainly Minecraft with my brother or Prime World (which I started yesterday). Also had a week to play WoW, though I didn't spend much time playing.

At home I feel alright, I mean I feel really safe and I can relax to a point, but when I know I have to be somewhere it's...I get stuck. Sometimes even physically unable to move.

I knew that October-November would be stressful and hard for me, though not yet. Going back to school...yeah...not happening right now. Can't even contact the teacher.

*sigh* Progress to even get this out, even if it's "just" here.

;D

Just sitting here waiting for my brother and his fiance (here on forth will just use the letter S for her) to get here :) We're going back home tonight, staying at dads ^^ First time in a few years the entire family will be on the same place.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with a friend, then me, my brother and S will visit grandma and later I will visit my cousin.
Saturday we'll probably be with the family before we leave for the cruise :D --- okay so I guess the smilies has given me away already but I am in a very good mood :D :D :D :D

Oh oh and Sunday I am going with my brother and S back to their home with their new kitten :) And stay there a couple of days.

Medicine is kicking in like it should and feeling good again.

Well just a short update will be leaving in a bit so

bye for a bit :)

Love Sam

Three years.

Not sure where to start tonight, just guess I will write and maybe this dreadful feeling will go away so I can get some sleep.

Tomorrow is the 23 of August, it will be three years since my mother passed away. In about 7 hours it will be three years ago I got a call from the hospital, in 13 hours it will be three years since the doctor declared her dead.
Three years, right now it feels like I have no idea what the hell I have been doing this whole time... I know I have worked very hard, I have gotten better even if I right now have a bad time, I am a half year away from finishing an education that will lead to jobs.
But this very moment it feels like I haven't done anything since she died, feels like I am the same depressed, trapped little girl now as I was then. Then again I also know now that these feelings will pass, I take comfort in knowing this. I know it's OK for me to feel these hard feelings, I shouldn't make them out to something less then what they are. It's not right for me to belittle the feelings I have.

IT IS ALRIGHT TO CRY!

Heh I have had some really bad thoughts lately. Nothing I would act on but the thoughts have been there. And the fact the have is scaring me a little. I wouldn't let myself get the chance to act on them, but it's still a bit scary.
I spent about 30 minutes in the shower tonight just hugging my knees and crying, it's quite soothing just having the water wash over one like that. Things didn't feel as bad when I got out.

The 31st I turn 25, I am looking forward to it since I get to go on a cruise with both some of my family and some of my friends, though it feels strange not having my mother there. I've already celebrated three birthdays without her why would this be different?

Leaving, why does it come so easily for some people?
Never feels like moving on when it gets back to square one...

I still have only visit my mothers grave twice, does that make me a bad daughter? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to visit?

Trying not to think so much about my childhood when have all these emotions already but when this day comes around it's very hard not to. Of course my childhood wasn't all bad! I have great memories, it's just that right now it is hard for me to remember them. Right now I can just hear her telling me to get over myself, push me down about school...

Looks like I still have a lot of anger for my mother.

I AM NOT GIVING UP! YOU HEAR!

My anxiety sometimes traps me inside my own body, I can not make my body move or do what I want.
And right now I feel a bit like that, though now I feel trapped because I can't seem to get all my feelings out.

Yeah, so this was a ramble post. I am not going to apologies for it though.
Because I shouldn't apologies for doing something that 1. Makes it easier for myself to be alright with me and 2. Does not hurt anyone.

With that said
Be safe
Sam

GAD and why I'm not really answering

I've written before, a lot, about my anxiety and some of my phobia, but I have also been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder)
A few weeks ago I contacted my doctor because my anxiety had gotten out of hand, so I have now started with medicine, I have conversational therapy and I am now "sick-listed" (sjukskriven) for four weeks. Which means I will not finish school in September, I have asked for some more time which has been offered so I see no trouble with it.
I only have about four tests and an assignment left to do so I shouldn't have much left when I get back, which (word of the day) lessen the anxiety some.

Sadly week 3-5 with my medicine (since I have eaten it before) is my "down time" and next week will be the three year anniversary of my mothers death, so I will not be talking to others much. And if I don't respond or such please don't be offended, I just can't really handle anything or anyone else right now. If you want to just check in, send me a text/IM/pm and I will respond when I can. If it's something important, call, if I don't pick up: call my partner (if it's important).

I felt that I needed to write this because I think I have "shrugged" people off lately and I know from experience that one can start to think one has done something, but right now it's not something any of you have done. I can't handle others right now.

As part of my therapy I have to start writing again, so maybe you'll hear more from me and if it's extremely dark things I post it's "just" me getting it out of my system.

With love
Sam

I deserve it.

Love has been a very strange part of my life, I always thought I knew what it was. I thought that I could define it with words. I knew there were different kinds of love, the love for family, friends, pets, things, they’re all different yet they are all still love.

I have for the last few years of my life been in love, with the same person, and it’s so different and yet similar to the love I’ve felt for previous people. This love started out as a love for a friend, then a member of my own made family and now it’s also for my lover. I never understood that love could be like this, different kinds for the same person.

I started to realize when I, please bear with me, came to hate my mother, I loved her and she will always have a place in my heart but I did hate her at one time. When she passed away I had gone from hating her to ‘just’ disliking her – I still loved her, don’t forget that.

I am not sure where I am going with this, I guess I just felt the need to write some of this to get it out of my mind for a bit.

You see, my partner and I have started talking more about the future. What we want, were we want to be, we've talked about moving to something bigger, getting a dog and eventually maybe a child. These things, sharing a life with someone, was something I thought I had come to terms with – I honestly thought that I would never have someone outside of family and friends to share my life with – I did not think this was something that I would ever experience. I am very happy that I am, I am so grateful to be where I am today. BUT it all feels a bit like a dream, I was never to make something out of my life and if I did I would spend it by myself.

Some of this is scaring me, especially the thought of a child – I am so scared of turning out like the bad parts of my own childhood. I doubt I would ever do so, but there’s that voice in my head – I guess my mother’s voice like when I was younger, telling me that I was not worth it, that I can’t do it.

Then my partner or my friends tell me, usually out of the blue, that I would be a great mum, that I am strong, that I am great. And I am starting to believe it myself.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what makes me happy. And I deserve to spend my time with people that love me despite, and perhaps because of, my quirks.

Monday 3 1/2 month left of school

First off: 5 courses graded 3 C's and 2 B's (feel the need to point out that C are not the same C as in the US/etc a C here is more on the standard of a B because Sweden can't just transfer to the same standards as the rest of the world)
Secondly: Last Friday I had for the first time this time around a "brain freeze" when I sat down to take the test, I knew that I knew the answers to the questions I just couldn't write them down. Which pissed me off to no ends. But I WILL make up for it. I might have failed that test - don't know yet - but there's one more test and assignments left so I will still make it.

Been sick a lot lately, me and K have switched between who's been sick and kept pushing ourselves a bit too early which results in getting sick again. This also means I have missed a lot of classes, though they are not mandatory they are still a good way to learn more. I must complain a bit that at some of the classes feel like I have gotten less done in class because of the interruptions - classmates, other teachers and such, so a part of me is quite alright with not being at the lessons but it would have been nice to have had those chances also. But there's still time ,)

I still have to find a place to do my internship, so that is something I need to fix by next week.

Now on the other hand I am gonna finish this "Masterchef Australia The Professionals" episode and get to bed.

Be safe
Sam

In school waiting also LONDON!

Hello,

I am currently in school waiting for the clock to strike two so I can have my first test for the course I am currently on which I can't find the english word for at the moment, though a rough translation would probably be business law.
My class ended at twelve...two hours to kill, well 50-ish minutes left now.

On a diffrent note, on the 1st of August I will be traveling to London with a couple of friends. I amreally looking forward to it :) We'll be staying til the 4th of August, so a "long"weekend. So if you have a recomendation on somehting I should see, try or such in London let me know.

After my test I will be going down town to pass some time before our "boardmeeting" - Also I really need to learn the English words things I am involved in.

Going well in school, C's and B's so far on my courses. Even scored myself an A on the powerpoint assignment.

Been sick a lot lately, which sadly have hurt me more with my anxiety BUT I got it under control and I have people to turn to for help when I need it - also know when I need it :)

I am sorry if this post has a lot of errors in it, but I have to use internet explorer and there's no spell check that actually works >_<

Well then...this kill a whole...five mintes of my time...gah!

Til next time
stay safe
with love
Sam

Guess what?

No actually nothing is wrong :jaws drops:

So just thought I would write a line or two about what's going on right now, I am currently going to school to become...erm... :googles the translation: accounting clerk - It sounds so extremely boring, especially in English. Will be done in the end of September, last 6-8 weeks will be work placement.
So far it's going well for me in school, though as stated before I don't particular like the "new" grade system since it was going for universal and failed after applying the letters E-A, C's so far on the courses and a couple of B's on the tests :happypanda:

Next week I will no longer have any debts (except one to a friend), I'll order a new desk, desk-chair and a screen - since the one I am currently using is technically an old flat screen TV and not a proper computer screen.

Going away every weekend, starting Friday, til third weekend in April, birthdays, conference, convention and just ordinary meeting up with peeps things.

Yeah, so things are good. Even when I have bad days, which come once in a while, or when I am sick I feel alright even good. It's a bit scary at times but overall I really approve and like feeling like this.

'til next time
Be safe
Sam

So mostly good things ahead

Hi to whom ever reads these,

I have finished two of my courses for this education, "C" on both of them, though I think it's more along the lines of the general "B" in the rest of the world - because Sweden can't use the same system through out, no lets just use the letters in the grade system and not the actual grading like the rest of the world >_< - Moving on from the rant.
So yay I have been doing good in school, even though I have been sick so darn much.

Also apparently my Nexplanon implant as this lovely side-effect of the flue, so I am not entirely sure when I have actually have had the flue and when it's been the side-effects. And for other reasons I might be taking it out, not really working for me.

Something else nice, I am really enjoying being in the board of the tenant-owner's association, even if it's a lot of work sometimes. I am attending different and interesting courses, I am going on a conference in April which I am really looking forward to. It's going to be held at Viltmarkshotellet, at Kolmården, I have never been to Kolmården (an animalpark) and I will get the chance when I am there :)

Also going to Gothcon in Göteborg over Easter, 28-31/3, which also means I get to spend time with my brother and finally gets to see how they live.

On Friday my partners family is coming over, to celebrate his birthday - which is next week, so I baked some cinnamon buns and some pastry custard ones.

And next weekend the "gang" is coming over, really looking forward to that.
I also have a  test next week, will study some more for it and should at least pass it.

With that I will take my leave,
take care
Sam

Mum

Hello

Felt the need to write a bit, was home over the weekend. Had a good time over all, but today was less good though. 

I had trouble sleeping, probably because I have gotten so used to sleeping at home but also because I had decided with grandma that we would go to the cemetery today. And we did, it was four years ago since I was there last, meaning I hadn't visit even ONCE since mum passed away. 

It wasn't as tiring as I thought, at first, but once I got on the train back home I was watching "Fringe" and the main characters mother figure dies and since then I have felt...I am not sure. Mainly I just want to cry, I've kept seeing the image of my mother when they declared her dead over and over in my head. 

It's almost two and a half year since she passed away. . . 

I'm sad I rarely have anything fun to share when I feel the need to write. Though over all my life is really going well right now, I am doing good in school, I am living with the man I love, I spend time with people I care for and that care for me. Over all I am good and happy just had a less good day today. 

Hopefully I can spare some time and share more of the good stuff next time, but just wanted that small part out now.

'til next time

Stay safe

Sam