Love has
been a very strange part of my life, I always thought I knew what it was. I
thought that I could define it with words. I knew there were different kinds of
love, the love for family, friends, pets, things, they’re all different yet
they are all still love.
I have for
the last few years of my life been in love, with the same person, and it’s so
different and yet similar to the love I’ve felt for previous people. This love
started out as a love for a friend, then a member of my own made family and now
it’s also for my lover. I never understood that love could be like this,
different kinds for the same person.
I started
to realize when I, please bear with me, came to hate my mother, I loved her and
she will always have a place in my heart but I did hate her at one time. When
she passed away I had gone from hating her to ‘just’ disliking her – I still
loved her, don’t forget that.
I am not
sure where I am going with this, I guess I just felt the need to write some of
this to get it out of my mind for a bit.
You see, my
partner and I have started talking more about the future. What we want, were we
want to be, we've talked about moving to something bigger, getting a dog and
eventually maybe a child. These things, sharing a life with someone, was
something I thought I had come to terms with – I honestly thought that I would
never have someone outside of family and friends to share my life with – I did
not think this was something that I would ever experience. I am very happy that
I am, I am so grateful to be where I am today. BUT it all feels a bit like a
dream, I was never to make something out of my life and if I did I would spend
it by myself.
Some of
this is scaring me, especially the thought of a child – I am so scared of
turning out like the bad parts of my own childhood. I doubt I would ever do so,
but there’s that voice in my head – I guess my mother’s voice like when I was
younger, telling me that I was not worth it, that I can’t do it.
Then my
partner or my friends tell me, usually out of the blue, that I would be a great
mum, that I am strong, that I am great. And I am starting to believe it myself.
I deserve
to be happy. I deserve to do what makes me happy. And I deserve to spend my
time with people that love me despite, and perhaps because of, my quirks.
