Just sitting here waiting for my brother and his fiance (here on forth will just use the letter S for her) to get here :) We're going back home tonight, staying at dads ^^ First time in a few years the entire family will be on the same place.
Tomorrow I am meeting up with a friend, then me, my brother and S will visit grandma and later I will visit my cousin.
Saturday we'll probably be with the family before we leave for the cruise :D --- okay so I guess the smilies has given me away already but I am in a very good mood :D :D :D :D
Oh oh and Sunday I am going with my brother and S back to their home with their new kitten :) And stay there a couple of days.
Medicine is kicking in like it should and feeling good again.
Well just a short update will be leaving in a bit so
bye for a bit :)
Love Sam
Aug 29, 2013
Aug 22, 2013
Three years.
Not sure where to start tonight, just guess I will write and maybe this dreadful feeling will go away so I can get some sleep.
Tomorrow is the 23 of August, it will be three years since my mother passed away. In about 7 hours it will be three years ago I got a call from the hospital, in 13 hours it will be three years since the doctor declared her dead.
Three years, right now it feels like I have no idea what the hell I have been doing this whole time... I know I have worked very hard, I have gotten better even if I right now have a bad time, I am a half year away from finishing an education that will lead to jobs.
But this very moment it feels like I haven't done anything since she died, feels like I am the same depressed, trapped little girl now as I was then. Then again I also know now that these feelings will pass, I take comfort in knowing this. I know it's OK for me to feel these hard feelings, I shouldn't make them out to something less then what they are. It's not right for me to belittle the feelings I have.
IT IS ALRIGHT TO CRY!
Heh I have had some really bad thoughts lately. Nothing I would act on but the thoughts have been there. And the fact the have is scaring me a little. I wouldn't let myself get the chance to act on them, but it's still a bit scary.
I spent about 30 minutes in the shower tonight just hugging my knees and crying, it's quite soothing just having the water wash over one like that. Things didn't feel as bad when I got out.
The 31st I turn 25, I am looking forward to it since I get to go on a cruise with both some of my family and some of my friends, though it feels strange not having my mother there. I've already celebrated three birthdays without her why would this be different?
Leaving, why does it come so easily for some people?
Never feels like moving on when it gets back to square one...
I still have only visit my mothers grave twice, does that make me a bad daughter? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to visit?
Trying not to think so much about my childhood when have all these emotions already but when this day comes around it's very hard not to. Of course my childhood wasn't all bad! I have great memories, it's just that right now it is hard for me to remember them. Right now I can just hear her telling me to get over myself, push me down about school...
Looks like I still have a lot of anger for my mother.
I AM NOT GIVING UP! YOU HEAR!
My anxiety sometimes traps me inside my own body, I can not make my body move or do what I want.
And right now I feel a bit like that, though now I feel trapped because I can't seem to get all my feelings out.
Yeah, so this was a ramble post. I am not going to apologies for it though.
Because I shouldn't apologies for doing something that 1. Makes it easier for myself to be alright with me and 2. Does not hurt anyone.
With that said
Be safe
Sam
Tomorrow is the 23 of August, it will be three years since my mother passed away. In about 7 hours it will be three years ago I got a call from the hospital, in 13 hours it will be three years since the doctor declared her dead.
Three years, right now it feels like I have no idea what the hell I have been doing this whole time... I know I have worked very hard, I have gotten better even if I right now have a bad time, I am a half year away from finishing an education that will lead to jobs.
But this very moment it feels like I haven't done anything since she died, feels like I am the same depressed, trapped little girl now as I was then. Then again I also know now that these feelings will pass, I take comfort in knowing this. I know it's OK for me to feel these hard feelings, I shouldn't make them out to something less then what they are. It's not right for me to belittle the feelings I have.
IT IS ALRIGHT TO CRY!
Heh I have had some really bad thoughts lately. Nothing I would act on but the thoughts have been there. And the fact the have is scaring me a little. I wouldn't let myself get the chance to act on them, but it's still a bit scary.
I spent about 30 minutes in the shower tonight just hugging my knees and crying, it's quite soothing just having the water wash over one like that. Things didn't feel as bad when I got out.
The 31st I turn 25, I am looking forward to it since I get to go on a cruise with both some of my family and some of my friends, though it feels strange not having my mother there. I've already celebrated three birthdays without her why would this be different?
Leaving, why does it come so easily for some people?
Never feels like moving on when it gets back to square one...
I still have only visit my mothers grave twice, does that make me a bad daughter? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to visit?
Trying not to think so much about my childhood when have all these emotions already but when this day comes around it's very hard not to. Of course my childhood wasn't all bad! I have great memories, it's just that right now it is hard for me to remember them. Right now I can just hear her telling me to get over myself, push me down about school...
Looks like I still have a lot of anger for my mother.
I AM NOT GIVING UP! YOU HEAR!
My anxiety sometimes traps me inside my own body, I can not make my body move or do what I want.
And right now I feel a bit like that, though now I feel trapped because I can't seem to get all my feelings out.
Yeah, so this was a ramble post. I am not going to apologies for it though.
Because I shouldn't apologies for doing something that 1. Makes it easier for myself to be alright with me and 2. Does not hurt anyone.
With that said
Be safe
Sam
Aug 16, 2013
GAD and why I'm not really answering
I've written before, a lot, about my anxiety and some of my phobia, but I have also been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder)
A few weeks ago I contacted my doctor because my anxiety had gotten out of hand, so I have now started with medicine, I have conversational therapy and I am now "sick-listed" (sjukskriven) for four weeks. Which means I will not finish school in September, I have asked for some more time which has been offered so I see no trouble with it.
I only have about four tests and an assignment left to do so I shouldn't have much left when I get back, which (word of the day) lessen the anxiety some.
Sadly week 3-5 with my medicine (since I have eaten it before) is my "down time" and next week will be the three year anniversary of my mothers death, so I will not be talking to others much. And if I don't respond or such please don't be offended, I just can't really handle anything or anyone else right now. If you want to just check in, send me a text/IM/pm and I will respond when I can. If it's something important, call, if I don't pick up: call my partner (if it's important).
I felt that I needed to write this because I think I have "shrugged" people off lately and I know from experience that one can start to think one has done something, but right now it's not something any of you have done. I can't handle others right now.
As part of my therapy I have to start writing again, so maybe you'll hear more from me and if it's extremely dark things I post it's "just" me getting it out of my system.
With love
Sam
A few weeks ago I contacted my doctor because my anxiety had gotten out of hand, so I have now started with medicine, I have conversational therapy and I am now "sick-listed" (sjukskriven) for four weeks. Which means I will not finish school in September, I have asked for some more time which has been offered so I see no trouble with it.
I only have about four tests and an assignment left to do so I shouldn't have much left when I get back, which (word of the day) lessen the anxiety some.
Sadly week 3-5 with my medicine (since I have eaten it before) is my "down time" and next week will be the three year anniversary of my mothers death, so I will not be talking to others much. And if I don't respond or such please don't be offended, I just can't really handle anything or anyone else right now. If you want to just check in, send me a text/IM/pm and I will respond when I can. If it's something important, call, if I don't pick up: call my partner (if it's important).
I felt that I needed to write this because I think I have "shrugged" people off lately and I know from experience that one can start to think one has done something, but right now it's not something any of you have done. I can't handle others right now.
As part of my therapy I have to start writing again, so maybe you'll hear more from me and if it's extremely dark things I post it's "just" me getting it out of my system.
With love
Sam
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