Bad experience

Hi,

So I took my ’sleeping’ pill for the first time in a long time last night, and I passed out, and not the nice ‘falling asleep’ passing out no this was the ‘in the middle of doing something falling down’ kind of passing out. Luckily for me I was sitting down when I passed out. When I came to I feel down to the floor, shaking and crying, because the few moments I had been out I had managed to get a nightmare, and I believe I made some very odd sounds since my brother came running asking what was going on. And there I was, apparently very pale, sitting leaning against the wall, shaking and crying hysterical. 

He had to help me up, walk me over to the bed and help me off with some of my clothes. I haven’t been that scared, since…my brother called me in the middle of the night when our mother had a psychosis and I was miles away. I managed to calm down some and eventually I feel asleep.

I thought I would take those pills all nights before school days, but now I am a little afraid, and I was supposed to call my doctor this morning but I was a little busy with everything else so I forgot.

08:35 my phone rings and I wake up, my friend C is coming in a few to pick me up and drive me to school. 08:57 I’m at school, my class starts at 09:00. Had math ‘til 12:00, printed out a couple of pages for my Swedish assignment. Then I walked over to my cousins work and had breakfast/lunch with her for about 45min.

Around 13.30 I met up with J, we went shopping. Had loads of fun actually, I who usually hates shopping. I guess it’s the company ;) When we headed for the bus station we met a friend of ours that tagged along to my place for a while before going back to his driving lesson. 

J and I chatted a lot, like always, watch some Bones, had dinner and it was really nice. I miss being around J, we spent a lot of time together before, hopefully we’ll see each other some more now.

My knees are hurting like hell. It’s been a long time since they hurt this much. Walking in bad shoes and cold weather will do that to me.

Oh and my other brother, the middle one, is here again. And it looks like he’ll be here for a while. And apparently there will be a LAN next week… not sure how I feel about that. I’ll try and find refugee somewhere else if it gets too much. I don’t mind it all too much since it’s not that often, but they tend to take a lot of my energy even though I’m not in the same room and all that.

Bye for now

TTYL
love Sam

Monday, yawn

Hilo,

Went to the doctor this morning, I’ve started on my medicine again and I got a new one as well. So for the next two weeks or so, I will most likely get a lot worse before I start feeling better again. Just want to give everyone a heads up.

And while I’m on these meds I’m not supposed to be drinking, so no more alcohol for me for some time.

Did some other errands while I was out, feels nice to have them done. Still have a lot to do at home but it’s slowly getting to where I want.

Haven’t slept much, so I’m feeling tired and I’ve got a headache that just won’t give in-

Was supposed to meet up with my cousin ‘Gina today, but she had to work, again, I’ll try and go by her work tomorrow so we can at least see each other a little, and looks like we’re giving it a new try next week. *chuckles*

I’ll write when I got something more to say later.

With love
Sam

Hilo

Hilo everyone

So it’s Sunday 28^th  of November 2010 today, also the first Advent today, and I went to church with my grandmother. And I must say I actually enjoyed going to church.

Let me start with that my 80 year old grandmother met up with her cousin, whom I presume is around her age as well and that cousins’ neighbor and they (cousin and grandmother) told me that the neighbor was young, and when comparing to the two of them I guess she was, since she was ‘only’ 68. It was entertaining listening to them talk, especially about the people that came, ‘He’s become old hasn’t he?’, ‘Look a lot of old ladies here.’ And seriously when two 80 year olds comments that there’s ‘old ladies’ around them, you can’t not laugh.

One of the priests talked about giving each other more time to give an impression, during those 30-60sec that we give each other now is maybe just a little too short time. He also told a story, about a missionary that was out in a dessert and his Jeep broke down, so instead of waiting by the car he started walking towards the village he was headed for. Some time later he was faced with lions, before they were to close he kneeled and prayed to God to help him, a few meters from him the lions stopped. They put their paws together and thanked God for the food. – Now that was not the story I thought he would tell, but there’s always two ways to anything. And I did enjoy that story. He made some other great point, which I at the moment can’t talk about since I’m working on them on my own.

So in the middle of me writing this I’m also trying to get my room in order, which isn’t an easy task I might add. However I am getting there, slowly, eventually I’ll be able to take up the Christmas things and decorate.

I’ve booked Sunday 12^th as my ‘Advent gathering’, so I have two weeks to get everything done – such as baking, cleaning and shopping.

I have however ironed the curtains and I hung them yesterday. I need to find pots for the flowers I bought the other day.

No actually it’s playing stupid games on facebook, cleaning, packing/unpacking and writing this.

Well I probably had something else to add. *shrugs* That will be another post then.

For now, be safe

With love

Sam

Blog "meme"

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about.

Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. (Or possibly one post that contains opinions on all the things I've been asked.)

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

It's not all that bad.

Was in school today ^^ Very happy C took it upon herself to drive me there :) Got a test on Friday, hopefully it will go just fine.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 10 with a social worker, about the informal estate inventory deed, at 11 I have my appointment with my counselor. At 1 school starts, 3 school ends. Looks like a fairly busy day tomorrow.

Went down to the laundry room to check it was free, it looked like no one was using it when I past it on my way home from school. And it was free. So me and my brother got a couple of hours that we can get some laundry done. Which is very neat, mostly since we have it on Friday again and then I won't have to choice between what to wash, since I won't have as much on Friday.

Got a lot of things on my mind right now, I'm very glad that I haven't broken down and started hurting myself, more then the fact I have trouble going outside. I am very thankful for my friends and my family, even if I might not show it.

My mood swings been worse as of late, but I can at least say that it's not been all bad. Not really. Even though when one of the bad times comes around and I feel like there hasn't been a good thing in years, it's not all that bad.

Still not really up from hanging out with people. Not for any longer period of time. One person is fine, more not so much. Very glad I have this weekend for myself (will probably have changed my mind by Friday *chuckles* ). Will spend it with cleaning, baking and Christmas decorate ^^

Well that's what I have for now.

Have a nice day everyone.
With Love
Sam

2010-11-22

Wrote the worst piece of paper ever yesterday, if I get a, um, C would be the same as our ”Godkänt” I believe, I will be surprised. That’s why one should never post pone your assignments!

Okay over to something else, I’ve been telling my friends, mainly guys, that when they do find someone they are interested in they should act on it, even if one of the other guys are interested as well. Yeah, and that kinda backfired on me. Live after your own teachings, yeah, guess I have some learning to do.

And my anxiety has gotten much worse, I can’t go outside. I’m afraid to go outside. I’m scared of going into a store. I feel nauseas when I’m meeting someone, or if I’m meeting pretty much anyone. My step suggested that I would go see a psychologist, and that idea is starting to sound better every moment that passes.

………… 

Sunday

I met with my 'whatnot' last Friday, we've decided on a plan that hopefully will help me with this. She suggested starting on the meds again, and some new meds as well, and with meds, meeting and stability. And hopefully this will work, but since it'll get worse before better I'm gonna be feeling like shit four a couple of weeks after I start with the medicine. Though, since I know this and my friends and family knows this, I'll have to remind myself as well I'll need the help of my friends and family to remind me that it will get better.

...
//Sam

Yeah...

So I've called the 'office' of my- whatever she is, and they would tell her my panic attacks have grown more frequent and gotten worse. She will decide if I need to see a doctor or not and she would call me. Whenever that happens I do not know.

I have to leave for school in an hour. I'm hoping it will go well. Since I have a test today and I really need this, school that is.

Hoping for better
//Sam

I need help.

I need help, because I can’t go through this every time I’m going to school. It can’t work like this, and I don’t understand why it’s like this.

It starts out okay, if I wake up with just enough time for me to get dressed and leave, anything more than that and I’m in trouble. Because more time means that I get that stupid voice in my head telling me that I can’t go, I should stay home, what’s the point, you’re a failure anyway so why bother, and then the nausea comes and now I can bare get out of bed. But I ignore it, I get dressed, I get ready because I can do this, and then I puke when I’m getting close to the front door. And the voice keep telling me, I told you so, there’s no point for you to try, you are nothing, you have always been nothing and you will always be nothing. Why try and change that? People can’t change, they lie and deceive but never change. Just like you, you lie to your friends and family, you are not strong, you are not better, you’re still the same girl that loathes herself and wishes herself to be dead. And I try not to listen to that voice. I try but I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed.

I’m not in control over my own body, I want to walk out the door but somehow I can’t, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do, the things that worked before ain’t working no more.  I’m hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop, I need school, I need to get good grades I need to be there. Failing is not supposed to be an option…

Happiness ^^

Today was a great day, some things did go wrong, some things made me sad and I wanted to curl up and cry under my cover, but besides that it was great day.

I spent most of today with two friends of mine, took a boat trip, had lunch before it and had dinner before it. Oh and I ate breakfast this morning :O
I could use a pair a pants that was to small this summer. ^^

Tomorrow me and one of my friends leave for my aunt and uncles :) Haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them a lot. They are a part of my family, a big part of my family, even if I don't get to see them that often they are amongst the most important persons in my life.

I'll be going to bed now, hopefully I wont have to wake up 'cause I have to puke or have trouble sleeping 'cause I could be better off if I did.