I wasn't sure if I should write online about it, but I know how I work and if I want to move passed this I need to get it out there.
I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, us, or looking to make anyone uncomfortable BUT as I have written before writing about things is so far the best way for me to work through my issues.
Last year we decided that we would try to expand our family, that we would try to have a child. In January all contraceptives where out, in February I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
I had gotten pregnant on our "first try". I had expected months of disappointment when my period would arrive but here I was pregnant.
Call gyn and got an appointment for my eight week check up. It got delayed and the week of the check up started with a minor bleeding.
It was nothing to worry about, a little bleeding was nothing out of the ordinary in the beginning.
Tuesday found me bleeding, less than the day before but now it hurt.
The nurse told me that if it got worse, pain or bleeding, to call again.
Wednesday started alright, in the middle of the day the pain came back in force and I was bleeding like I did on heavy days during my period. When I went to pee and a big clutch of blood and secrete was the result I was edging on a panic attack.
The nurse told me that if I could I should wait to see my doctor in the morning, the ER wasn't as well prepared as my gynaecologist would be but if the pain wasn't bearable I should get to the ER. But even then there wouldn't be anything anyone could do if it was a miscarriage - which she believed it was.
My partner held me as I broke down trying to tell him I most likely had had a miscarriage.
Thursday I got a time to a gynaecologist to confirm. She was a lovely doctor, informed me that it was nothing I had done, nor was there anything I could have done differently. She gave me more information on the vitamins and such I should eat to improve the chances of the next pregnancy - if that was something we would try.
She said that it sadly wasn't that uncommon for a first time pregnancy to end in the first weeks.
The ultrasound show that besides blood my uterus wad empty and that I had in fact had a miscarriage the day before.
I was given a pregnancy test which I am to use four weeks after, if it indicates anything besides the control square I was to contact them again.
That was three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I lost the life growing inside of me. Three weeks of trying to go from finally coming to turns with being pregnant to it not being true.
I was exhausted and to a degree I still am. The little life I had started getting, crushed.
I want to move forward. I want the next time to work better. I want to do something besides locking myself in myself and shutting the outside out... I want to be strong, for myself. I want to be a person and NOT my issues.
I want to be me - who ever that will turn out to be.
Regards
Sam
