This is something I wrote on the way home last night, something I've felt on more then one occasion. Some of it is painted up a little worse then it is, and I feel better about it today, but I kind of promise to post it on my blog so here it is;
I've said so many time that I don't understand how someone could stay with their cheating or abusive partner. I've always asked what the hell are they thinking with.. But I see now, or rather I don't quite understand it but I think I know the feeling they must feel.
I'm in a "relationship" that does me more bad then good things most of the time. I am not the person he loves the most, I am neither the person he thinks about most, nor am I the person he wants to be with. All this I know yet I stay, with the little hope that since he's with me and has me in the same "group" as the other three women I might just have a shot. But now a year has passed and the hurt is still there, he still loves someone else more, he still thinks about someone else and I am still not the person he wants to be with...so why the hell do I stay? I stay for the few tender times I get, for the times he holds me in his arms, for the times he makes me feel special. I stay for those rare times of happiness. I stay for the happiness I tell myself I wouldn't have gotten with someone else. But it's not true. I know this but I can't seem to accept it. I don't want to, or rather a part of me doesn't want to because of those times. But then there's the part of me that's sick of times like tonight. I am so sick of listening to how he could get it on with one of them, how he wants to be with the second one and how "unworthy" he is of her. I am sick of it! It's just bullshit!
I'm so sick of myself for letting him hurt me the way he seems to always do, I'm so sick of this sick relationship we have. For over a year I have been in love with a man that most likely will NEVER love me even close to the way I love him. I give him my body to use and he scars it, I give him my heart and he broke it and I think he's holding my soul since I am not able to tear away...
--- I hate the fact that I can mange to have little to none grammar/spelling mistakes when I'm upset whilst writing....or rather I am very annoyed at that fact.
Now today we went to Norrtälje and bought moving boxes and some papper bags to pack our things in. I've packed my manga, my books, notebooks, pens and colors, and some other mics things. That's probably all I'll do for today, concerning packing that is, tomorrow will be calling and laundry day. Got a lot of calls to make, I've realized. Will pack most of my cloths as well tomorrow I guess - the clean ones at least.
Will be dying Ac's hair and then cutting both his and Kens hair later, when neither one of them are all to busy.
Bye for now.
//Sam
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