The Sad Hero

The Sad Hero
He is brave, loyal, kind and above everything he is a protector. But you see that smile he has on his lips when you get the chance to see him, it is forced. That care-free attitude of his, it’s his mask for what is really going on.
Our hero is fighting a war whilst he protects us helps us in our own battles, his war is not seen by us, and it is fought inside him, where he built his high walls and his fortress. That impenetrable fortress he started building years ago.
Our hero, our knight in shining armour, is beaten up under it all. Behind the drapery of bravery and courage our hero is like a lonesome wolf left behind by his pack, he is sad and alone.
Wishes are made to that of our hero, a wish to make him see that the wall and the fortress only need to be that of a house and its wooden fence with its open gate, wishes that of happiness for our hero. Our sad hero need not face these battles alone; he has an army to back him up.

Future...

"What is it that you want to with you life?"
If I knew that don't you think that I would have done something about it then? Hmph, I turn twenty-two in four months, I have lived about a forth of my life (hopefully less) and I have done nothing to show for this time...

I wish I knew how to figure out what to do. I wish I had the strength to actually find out...

Friends in rough spot

Life hasn't been the greatest as of late, not for me or for some of my friends. One of my friends lost her mother to suicide, another might lose his girlfriend, a third lost his job, a relitive is having health problems, my grandmother was in an accident when riding a bus (hit her head and hips, has to walk with cruches for a couple of weeks), I could probably name even more things that seems to be going wrong for friends and family. And I am helpless, mostly since it's pretty useless trying to help a friend when you can't even help yourself.

On with some better news, my mother is coming home on Thursday. She's apparently feeling pretty well. A friend has gotten less to do at work, meaning she won't work herself to death within the next year or so. My cusins kid is turning three on Thursday, looking forward to the birthday party :)

And some "IDK how I feel about this" news, my mother asked me to move in with her now that she's coming home, or rather she asked me to move in when she gets the new apparment. Though she wants to know before that since she needs to apply for a bigger place if I move in...

At the keys
Sam

Writing....

Took a holiday from me, yes I guess that’s exactly what you did. Where did you go? Why did you leave? I’ve waited for so long for you to come back, come back to me. My heart have stopped beating for you, my heart has almost stopped beating entirely. My reason for living left when you did. I guess what I could give was not enough for you. Still I wonder where you went.

I never knew that I could feel like this, for anyone else. I didn’t know that a single touch could make me feel such pleasure and pain at the same time. I didn’t think hearing him utter his feelings towards her would ever hurt this much. I’ve had crushes before, I’ve loved before, but never have I felt this way. Never felt so torn within myself, with my own feelings, like this. All this for someone, I never thought I could love as something else than a friend.

I wish I had words that could put these feelings into words for him, so that he could understand just what it is he’s doing to me. “I love you” is just not enough. I never thought those three words would be inadequate; I didn’t think they could be.

“Listen to your heart”, how am I supposed to do that? I can’t hear it from the entire racket all-around me. People telling me to do this, do that, and were will I ever have time to listen to my own heart? What my heart wants doesn’t seem to be able to let out a cry for help anymore; it feels like it might just give in.

It feels like I am watching everyone else live their lives whilst I, myself, just watch from the side line, by now I thought I would have started a family. That I would have that special someone in my life, though I do have a special someone, and that person can’t look my way – He never could, probably never will. I wish that I could look another way, just maybe I could find that someone that would love me back.

But how do you forget and move on? You never really forget do you, but how do you manage to move on? Where do you start? “One foot in front of the other”, “One step at the time”, I wonder.

I wish there were something I could tell myself that would make me feel like there actually where some chance for me at all. I wish I could stop doing this self-torture I do on a day-to-day basis. But nothing seems to help. Every time I try to make a change something inside me screws it up. There’s no one else but me, I am the obstacle I lay out for myself to stumble upon when something starts to look brighter.

I am the only thing between me and my dream.