Writing....

Took a holiday from me, yes I guess that’s exactly what you did. Where did you go? Why did you leave? I’ve waited for so long for you to come back, come back to me. My heart have stopped beating for you, my heart has almost stopped beating entirely. My reason for living left when you did. I guess what I could give was not enough for you. Still I wonder where you went.

I never knew that I could feel like this, for anyone else. I didn’t know that a single touch could make me feel such pleasure and pain at the same time. I didn’t think hearing him utter his feelings towards her would ever hurt this much. I’ve had crushes before, I’ve loved before, but never have I felt this way. Never felt so torn within myself, with my own feelings, like this. All this for someone, I never thought I could love as something else than a friend.

I wish I had words that could put these feelings into words for him, so that he could understand just what it is he’s doing to me. “I love you” is just not enough. I never thought those three words would be inadequate; I didn’t think they could be.

“Listen to your heart”, how am I supposed to do that? I can’t hear it from the entire racket all-around me. People telling me to do this, do that, and were will I ever have time to listen to my own heart? What my heart wants doesn’t seem to be able to let out a cry for help anymore; it feels like it might just give in.

It feels like I am watching everyone else live their lives whilst I, myself, just watch from the side line, by now I thought I would have started a family. That I would have that special someone in my life, though I do have a special someone, and that person can’t look my way – He never could, probably never will. I wish that I could look another way, just maybe I could find that someone that would love me back.

But how do you forget and move on? You never really forget do you, but how do you manage to move on? Where do you start? “One foot in front of the other”, “One step at the time”, I wonder.

I wish there were something I could tell myself that would make me feel like there actually where some chance for me at all. I wish I could stop doing this self-torture I do on a day-to-day basis. But nothing seems to help. Every time I try to make a change something inside me screws it up. There’s no one else but me, I am the obstacle I lay out for myself to stumble upon when something starts to look brighter.

I am the only thing between me and my dream.