Name day

At first I was going to write a fairly sad post about something that has happened but I just got a text from a friend of mine congratulating me on my “Name day” and I just had to write something else.  My friend,  Jenny, haven’t sent me a text in ages even if we’ve started meeting up again we haven’t talked over the phone or sent any texts since I was in eighth grade.  And I was not feeling all too well but now I can’t seem to stop smiling, what something so small can do.

So what’s been going on in my life as of late? First off I start school next month, looking forward to it, Math and English as my first two subjects.  Second I will be able to have job practice whilst I study, since I will only have classes in English.

Still have to apply for work, even if I start school next month, which feels a bit useless but I have to do it.

Wish it could stop snowing and get warmer now, I really love snow I do, but I was hoping for warmer weather before grandmas birthday – Then again there’s still time to get warmer by the 23th of March. I’ve promised to help bake cakes, buns and cookies for her birthday. Looking forward to it, and I’m a little scared as well, she’s turning eighty. I know she can’t live forever but now it’s started to show just how old she really is.

I’m currently at my best friends’ parents’ house, alone (!).  His parents are in Thailand and he’s housesitting, more looking after his sisters than anything but yeah. And me and another friend went out here last night and now his sisters are in school, he’s at work and our friend is at a meeting (then school), meaning I’m alone (with five cats). And as usual my fingers itching – wanting to clean, but I’m not sure where everything goes meaning I might just do more damage than good if I clean.

Now a little sadder update – My mother’s in the hospital again. She can’t move her legs and have little to no control over her arm and she can’t pee or take a ‘dump’.  Her HB was bad as some of the other test she had done. Thus she’s in the hospital, they’re fixing her dosage of her meds and checking if they might have damaged one of the glands (bikörtel) in her throat when they removed thyroid gland and some (19) of the other glands with tumors. And I have a bad feeling that she hasn’t been taking her meds like she should, I know I should try and believe her when she says that she’s taking them but I really can’t.  Well hopefully it will get better now that she’s in the hospital, it’ll give grandma a chance to think about everything as well.

Well now I’m going to make me something to eat, have a nice day people.

At the keys

Sam

Weekend

Hiya guys, at a friends place at the moment. Borrowing his sisters computer, very nice of her I might add. Tired as hell, but promised to watch a movie with the guys. Then I'll fall asleep like the instance I rest my head on the pillow. Well I hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll try and get on to write about the stuff that's happen as of late - a lot of things have happened.

at the keys
Sam

Doesn't concern me

I cry for something that doesn't concern me
because it reminds me about what used to be
reminds me about those night crying myself to sleep

I cry because I am scared
scared for something that has nothing to do with me
because it reminds me of what used to be

Reminds me about the fights that started about me
the fights that turned into screams because of me

Because of my past I cry for something that doesn't concern me
Because of my past I am scared for something that has nothing to do with me

It reminds me...

Because

I forgave and I forgot
because you wanted me to
I put up with the bullshit
because you believe it
I never hurt you
because you were hurt
I listened to your excuses
because you were afraid to see the truth
But now I can't really do that...

I will on the other hand ALWAYS
be there for you,
when you need one to hold your hand,
when you nag about school or work,
when you just need someone to lean on
I will be there
because I love you

"Poems"

~Void~
You stole from me
what I never could from you
Leaving an empty void
where it used to be
What you stole;
I would gladly have given

if this void
could been filled

~ 24th of November ~

~ You take 'n take ~
You take what you have
then you take what
comes you by

Never caring what it does
to us
your family 'n friends

As long as you get high
nothing else matters

~Starting over~
Wanting something so bad
yet every time you try
you get slapped in the face
Because you weren't as ready
as you thought you were

Back to square one
Starting over...
You just don't know if you'll survive
another; Failure

Starting over takes so much out of you,
will you be able to start over?

~27th of May 2008~

Parasite

“I was 13 when I was forced into adulthood, I was 14 when my world crumbled down, I was 15 when I tried to kill myself for the first time, 16 when I tried making it better, 17 when I thought my life was over, 18 when I stopped believing all the lies, I was 19 when I finally understood what was going on and that I needed to get out. “

“But it has to stop, because if it doesn’t I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t mean to worry you but this is what I feel. I am fully aware that there are people out there that care for me. But what good does that do when I can’t even care for myself? “

“My problems may not be how I should dress to get as many to buy my body for their use. My problems is not how to put food on the table for my children since their father left with all our saving, neither is my problems that I do not have a roof over my head or cloths on my body. No my problems may not be that extreme, but they are mine and they causes pain in my heart and soul. “

“But as an empty shell I continued my life. “

“I don’t think I will be able to do this. Scared, afraid, that is what I am. I am in no condition to do things like this, but I am so sick of disappointing my family. They may say that they aren’t disappointed at me but they are. I can see it and it hurts. They are hurt, because of me. “

“I have repelled most of my friends because of this ‘bitchy-know-it-all-don’t-care’-attitude. I have lost trust from my own family because of my own continues failures. “

“I don’t know what I have to do to make things right in my life. I really don’t. I can’t seam to realize it either. I need to clean up my life… I just don’t know where to start. “

“I am sorry for getting peoples hope up. I am sorry for feeling weak… “

“Guilt, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Disappointment they all were there.
They are all still here, just not as present as they were yesterday, Depression was soon followed by Pain neither one will leave me now. How much I may pray for them to leave they won’t leave… “

Just read through a lot of texts I've written during these last three years - and for some reason nothing seems to have changed. I'm still the same as I were three years ago - I might just be the same as I was seven years ago when my mother was admitted to the hospital. I say I want to change the way I am - yet I do nothing to change it. I say I want to do something with my life - yet I only make myself feel bad.

That seems to be the only thing I am capable of doing is just that hurting myself, and those around me. I'm like a parasite, living of other peoples money, hard work, and their feelings...

Looking to deep

Okay so I just read a friends blog post, about how he sees himself, and it got me thinking about how I see myself. And at first I thought I would do something similar to what he did, but I don't think I can do that, because I don't think I want to look that deep into myself just yet. Since what I would find wouldn't be pretty, not one bit actually.

As I might have said before, I ain't really that good of a person I tend to paint up for everyone else. I lie to, cheat on and betray people that I say that I love. I in a way like seeing people get hurt - mentally more than anything. And yet in a way I want everyone around me to be happy - hypocrite of the century.
You see a wrote I text about one of the things I am/need : Power of Control http://unelore.deviantart.com/art/Power-of-control-126880012  I guess you could place this under some kind of "God-complex" but I am not really sure. Heh, and I said I wouldn't look deep into myself - well this isn't all that deep within me now is it?!

Before I get to annoyed/angry/depressed with myself today I'm going to search for some jobs and check with the school about going back...

//Sam