2010-09-28

Haven't been feeling good, at all, today :( I had fun with my girl-friend today, but even though I had fun I felt really odd today. Been feeling odd all day, can't really put words to how I've been feeling, except odd.

Started with some light exercising twice a day, feeling a little sore but that's alright.

Got a couple of things I need to get done tomorrow, a couple of calls, turn in some papers to social services, and go through some more of mothers things. I got some help yesterday to bring up all mothers clothes from the basement, been through half of it, piled up in "Giving away" and "Throwing away" black plastic bags. And then we need to get all her clothes from grandmas place as well.
And then we have all her other stuff... I am not looking forward to doing this, mostly since I could throw everything away. My friend said yesterday, "If I had to do this, I would have been in tears already. I am almost, and I'm not in your position." and I guess if she was in my shoes she would, I on the other hand see no point in it. Then again, there isn't really much point in crying in the first place, yet I do it every now and then.

And now I have to take care of all the other shit my mother left on us. I am just annoyed at her, sure I cried at the funeral, but I think I cried more because I saw just how sad everyone else was. If one starts others will follow, apparently. Don't get me wrong, I miss her, even if those times are very rare right now.

Still waiting for an answer from the school, getting a little nervous about it. Not going so well applying for work, probably because no one wants to hire someone that isn't really interested in working there in the first place. Applying looks good on paper, but when one isn't really all that suited for the job one shouldn't apply.
Not sure what the hell I will be doing if I don't get in to school. Haven't thought all that far yet...

Started second guessing every choice I'm making, have been making for some time, and it's not a good thing to do. I know that, but apparently what I know I should do and what I do are as always two different things...

Well bye for now

//Sam

2010-09-26

So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.

Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.

Night people
//Sam

One of those nights.

Most of the time, right now, I feel fairly great. Especially when I get to be around those that mean most to me. I hadn't met with none of them for a while, I just kinda light up whenever anyone of them are around.

Then there's times like right now, where I really need either one of them but neither is anywhere near me.

I just wish to be hold, just for a little while, and be told that it's going to be alright.

*sigh* in fifth-teen days the funeral will be over and done with, I just feel, empty about it. It's everything else, the people mostly, around it, that is taking all my energy.

Night for now, or at least I hope so.

with love
Sam

Distrust

Any little thing can set me off right now, not only because of everything that has happen no just because something goes a little wrong your life does go on...and being a girl that means that every 28ish day you have even less control over your emotions and I just got there, the days before/after the period is the worse - emotional.
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart. 
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...

Waiting

Waiting is amongst the top of my "What I hate"-list. My beloved cousin is celebrating her 25th birthday today ^^ And I'm supposed to be there sometime after two, that's 50min from now (ca). And I know I'll be there for a few hours, so I don't really want to be the first there, thus I'm walking just to drag out the time. And I'm going by the store to pick up some flowers and a "lotto"ticket or something, so she might win some money since I have no idea what she wants, she didn't tell me anything XD
Um, well now I'm gonna get ready, ya' know brush my teeth and fix my hair....really dragging out the time...

Bye for now
//Sammie