Im so sick

I'm so sick of, everyone...no actually that's incorrect. I'm so sick of me. So sick of this other, person, in me. I'm exhausted of trying to be this one person that I so wish I could be and frankly it seems impossible. I'm tired of smiling, tired of painting this face, I guess people see it now. Just how annoying and impossible I am.

later;
Yet again I feel utterly useless and unwanted. Something I seem to feel to often nowadays. I wish I knew what I had to do to change the way I am, but since everyone expect me to know that and wont help me then I guess I might just not stay here for much longer... then again hopefully it will get better when I get to those doctors...
I'll probably have to do that operation, and I guess I do need it, really much. I know what kind of problems will come after it, and I'm not sure how many friends (if any) I'll have left when I this turns ugly.

I really hate when I get like this, if I was living alone I don't doubt that I would start cutting again. And sometimes I just wish I could go back to having that release, because as it is right now, the only "release" I have it arguing/yelling at someone else that has done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I am really... no I'm not gonna finish that. Live as you teach, live as you learn... I hate how some people I know complain and look down on themselves, but I have no right to say anything about it since I'm just the same. Or maybe that's a reason that I'm allowed?

I don't think there's anything about myself or in my life that I don't dislike/hate right now... *sigh* sure I like my friends and family fine I love them...but that's just about it...and sometimes I don't even like them... *shakes head* what the hell happened? What the fuck did I do wrong? I thought I had everything planed. Everything would just go as I had planed, I would never have to feel the pain I felt growing up...though have I really grown up? Am I not still that 13 year old child scared shitless about what to tell her teachers when she's not eating anything because what her mother did during the night?! Am I not still that child? That child that figured out lying would be so much easier then just telling the truth? That child that built up another persona just to keep from hurting to much? Am I not that child? ...I am soon twenty-two and I doubt I have anything to show for myself, I know there's stories of people that don't find their "purpose" until much later, but must it feel so useless? So hopeless?

*sigh* Now I doubt I'll be able to sleep much - I hate - well that's the word of the day; Hate; 1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest:

I just want to cry and be left alone...and yet at the same time I just want someone to hold me close and tell me everything will be alright...