Maybe, just maybe

DISCLAIMER: This contains things about my family, which might hurt the ones it concerns BUT it is not my intention. I need to vent this. I need to explain my own feelings. And hopefully somethings might become clearer for some of you. And if any of you think I should take this down. Let me know. Also, read to the end.


Growing up I was told this and that about my father, after we almost stopped visiting him I was told by my mother that he didn't want to see us. And kept telling us this and that he didn't like us, yet under all my doubts about him I put him on a pedestal like no matter what he couldn't be worse than my mother, even if he didn't like us or didn't want to see us he never tried to hurt us with words. And I loved him, probably more than I ever did love my mother, and I still love him.

Years went by, we saw our father sporadic, I got disappointed at every event he didn't show up to, he started missing holidays, eventually even birthdays. And it hurt, I couldn't understand how you could just not care about your child, your firstborn, your only daughter. Was my step-mother and youngest brothers so much more important?

When my mother was sent to the hospital, we were sent to live with our father seeing as he had shared custody of me. I wasn't happy about it, I was already depressed, and I was already inflicting pain on myself. Now I know they really tried to get us to feel at home there, but I didn't feel welcome. I always felt like I wasn't wanted so why should they even try to make it look like they did?

Of course I had good times with them, I really did, but the thoughts that they really didn't want me was always there. My step-mother never did the "my kids will have much better things than you", she tried to be a mother to me. But it just seemed fake to me, I was so used to how my mother treated me so anything else just seemed fake and like a bother.

And then at one of the summers, I was around 15-16, my mother had gotten back from the hospital for a while and I just wanted to be back with her, with her I knew where I stood. I knew what I could do to please her, I knew my place.
That summer I was in two plays, during one week I had shows twice a day but not ONCE did my father or step-mother bother to come see it. My mother in her wheelchair came, with my grandmother and my brother.

Eventually I just decided that I would live with her instead.
My father didn't like the idea, we argued over the phone and honestly I do not remember what we really argued about, the only thing I remember is him telling me I was worthless. My world crashed. The pedestal he was on crumbled. And around that time I tried to take my own life for the first time.

"If not even neither of my parents wanted me, why should I waste anyone's time with being here?"

All this got questioned last Friday when I learned that my fathers social-phobia (which I also have) had been just as bad, if not worse than mine. That he had struggled with it almost his entire life. Suddenly him doing his hobby with my brothers with no one else around instead of going to my events made more sense. And I have started questioning all the times he never showed up. Maybe he really couldn't come.
Just like I couldn't even get out of the door, or when I freeze up in a store or when I get a nosebleed from all the stress it causes me to even think about doing anything when there would be others around.

And the biggest question of them all, maybe it wasn't me. Just maybe I wasn't the reason he didn't come. Maybe he did love me back then. Maybe my dad really wanted to be there for me but couldn't.
Maybe I was worth something to him.

Maybe I wasn't the reason.

All of a sudden, my life kind of got turned around. All I thought I knew might not even be true, maybe everything is just what my mind created from the words of others and the actions of someone that couldn't tell me "Why".

I leave, lighter at heart but still a bit lost and confused.
with love
Sam

Feeling better

Last Friday I had an appointment with my doctor, where we decided to raise my medicine dose. And for the first time in several months I have more then one good day in a row.

Yesterday I went, on my own, to one of the biggest shopping centers in our town to buy our Christmas presents for "in-laws" (easiest way to say it). And I also went grocery shopping in the same area.
Note to self: don't go shopping alone if you plan on buy loads of things.

When I got home I wrapped the present, made dinner and played some games.

I had an appointment for my conversational therapy today, but it got reschedule to next week, Monday 14:15.

I have "homework" from my doctor, "To do something for myself once a week, such as go for a coffee or such things".

Feeling much better again, which as always scare me a little.

Well for now, have a good day

Bye

Gaming instead of...well everything

So been down in a slump lately.... I can barely get out from the apartment. Been sick, on and off for over a month, even went to the doctor the other day since my fever keeps coming back but it wasn't anything wrong.

Only nights I've slept the whole night is the nights I have taken sleeping pills which isn't the best, though at least I get some sleep. I try not to take them every night, my therapist says that I should maybe try and take them every night for two weeks and it should help. I just don't know.

With that said, these last days I haven't been able to leave the apartment. I've needed to go to the store for two days, but I just couldn't get my ass out of the door. So I have pretty much just watched series and been playing games, mainly Minecraft with my brother or Prime World (which I started yesterday). Also had a week to play WoW, though I didn't spend much time playing.

At home I feel alright, I mean I feel really safe and I can relax to a point, but when I know I have to be somewhere it's...I get stuck. Sometimes even physically unable to move.

I knew that October-November would be stressful and hard for me, though not yet. Going back to school...yeah...not happening right now. Can't even contact the teacher.

*sigh* Progress to even get this out, even if it's "just" here.

;D

Just sitting here waiting for my brother and his fiance (here on forth will just use the letter S for her) to get here :) We're going back home tonight, staying at dads ^^ First time in a few years the entire family will be on the same place.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with a friend, then me, my brother and S will visit grandma and later I will visit my cousin.
Saturday we'll probably be with the family before we leave for the cruise :D --- okay so I guess the smilies has given me away already but I am in a very good mood :D :D :D :D

Oh oh and Sunday I am going with my brother and S back to their home with their new kitten :) And stay there a couple of days.

Medicine is kicking in like it should and feeling good again.

Well just a short update will be leaving in a bit so

bye for a bit :)

Love Sam

Three years.

Not sure where to start tonight, just guess I will write and maybe this dreadful feeling will go away so I can get some sleep.

Tomorrow is the 23 of August, it will be three years since my mother passed away. In about 7 hours it will be three years ago I got a call from the hospital, in 13 hours it will be three years since the doctor declared her dead.
Three years, right now it feels like I have no idea what the hell I have been doing this whole time... I know I have worked very hard, I have gotten better even if I right now have a bad time, I am a half year away from finishing an education that will lead to jobs.
But this very moment it feels like I haven't done anything since she died, feels like I am the same depressed, trapped little girl now as I was then. Then again I also know now that these feelings will pass, I take comfort in knowing this. I know it's OK for me to feel these hard feelings, I shouldn't make them out to something less then what they are. It's not right for me to belittle the feelings I have.

IT IS ALRIGHT TO CRY!

Heh I have had some really bad thoughts lately. Nothing I would act on but the thoughts have been there. And the fact the have is scaring me a little. I wouldn't let myself get the chance to act on them, but it's still a bit scary.
I spent about 30 minutes in the shower tonight just hugging my knees and crying, it's quite soothing just having the water wash over one like that. Things didn't feel as bad when I got out.

The 31st I turn 25, I am looking forward to it since I get to go on a cruise with both some of my family and some of my friends, though it feels strange not having my mother there. I've already celebrated three birthdays without her why would this be different?

Leaving, why does it come so easily for some people?
Never feels like moving on when it gets back to square one...

I still have only visit my mothers grave twice, does that make me a bad daughter? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to visit?

Trying not to think so much about my childhood when have all these emotions already but when this day comes around it's very hard not to. Of course my childhood wasn't all bad! I have great memories, it's just that right now it is hard for me to remember them. Right now I can just hear her telling me to get over myself, push me down about school...

Looks like I still have a lot of anger for my mother.

I AM NOT GIVING UP! YOU HEAR!

My anxiety sometimes traps me inside my own body, I can not make my body move or do what I want.
And right now I feel a bit like that, though now I feel trapped because I can't seem to get all my feelings out.

Yeah, so this was a ramble post. I am not going to apologies for it though.
Because I shouldn't apologies for doing something that 1. Makes it easier for myself to be alright with me and 2. Does not hurt anyone.

With that said
Be safe
Sam

GAD and why I'm not really answering

I've written before, a lot, about my anxiety and some of my phobia, but I have also been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder)
A few weeks ago I contacted my doctor because my anxiety had gotten out of hand, so I have now started with medicine, I have conversational therapy and I am now "sick-listed" (sjukskriven) for four weeks. Which means I will not finish school in September, I have asked for some more time which has been offered so I see no trouble with it.
I only have about four tests and an assignment left to do so I shouldn't have much left when I get back, which (word of the day) lessen the anxiety some.

Sadly week 3-5 with my medicine (since I have eaten it before) is my "down time" and next week will be the three year anniversary of my mothers death, so I will not be talking to others much. And if I don't respond or such please don't be offended, I just can't really handle anything or anyone else right now. If you want to just check in, send me a text/IM/pm and I will respond when I can. If it's something important, call, if I don't pick up: call my partner (if it's important).

I felt that I needed to write this because I think I have "shrugged" people off lately and I know from experience that one can start to think one has done something, but right now it's not something any of you have done. I can't handle others right now.

As part of my therapy I have to start writing again, so maybe you'll hear more from me and if it's extremely dark things I post it's "just" me getting it out of my system.

With love
Sam

I deserve it.

Love has been a very strange part of my life, I always thought I knew what it was. I thought that I could define it with words. I knew there were different kinds of love, the love for family, friends, pets, things, they’re all different yet they are all still love.

I have for the last few years of my life been in love, with the same person, and it’s so different and yet similar to the love I’ve felt for previous people. This love started out as a love for a friend, then a member of my own made family and now it’s also for my lover. I never understood that love could be like this, different kinds for the same person.

I started to realize when I, please bear with me, came to hate my mother, I loved her and she will always have a place in my heart but I did hate her at one time. When she passed away I had gone from hating her to ‘just’ disliking her – I still loved her, don’t forget that.

I am not sure where I am going with this, I guess I just felt the need to write some of this to get it out of my mind for a bit.

You see, my partner and I have started talking more about the future. What we want, were we want to be, we've talked about moving to something bigger, getting a dog and eventually maybe a child. These things, sharing a life with someone, was something I thought I had come to terms with – I honestly thought that I would never have someone outside of family and friends to share my life with – I did not think this was something that I would ever experience. I am very happy that I am, I am so grateful to be where I am today. BUT it all feels a bit like a dream, I was never to make something out of my life and if I did I would spend it by myself.

Some of this is scaring me, especially the thought of a child – I am so scared of turning out like the bad parts of my own childhood. I doubt I would ever do so, but there’s that voice in my head – I guess my mother’s voice like when I was younger, telling me that I was not worth it, that I can’t do it.

Then my partner or my friends tell me, usually out of the blue, that I would be a great mum, that I am strong, that I am great. And I am starting to believe it myself.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what makes me happy. And I deserve to spend my time with people that love me despite, and perhaps because of, my quirks.

Monday 3 1/2 month left of school

First off: 5 courses graded 3 C's and 2 B's (feel the need to point out that C are not the same C as in the US/etc a C here is more on the standard of a B because Sweden can't just transfer to the same standards as the rest of the world)
Secondly: Last Friday I had for the first time this time around a "brain freeze" when I sat down to take the test, I knew that I knew the answers to the questions I just couldn't write them down. Which pissed me off to no ends. But I WILL make up for it. I might have failed that test - don't know yet - but there's one more test and assignments left so I will still make it.

Been sick a lot lately, me and K have switched between who's been sick and kept pushing ourselves a bit too early which results in getting sick again. This also means I have missed a lot of classes, though they are not mandatory they are still a good way to learn more. I must complain a bit that at some of the classes feel like I have gotten less done in class because of the interruptions - classmates, other teachers and such, so a part of me is quite alright with not being at the lessons but it would have been nice to have had those chances also. But there's still time ,)

I still have to find a place to do my internship, so that is something I need to fix by next week.

Now on the other hand I am gonna finish this "Masterchef Australia The Professionals" episode and get to bed.

Be safe
Sam

In school waiting also LONDON!

Hello,

I am currently in school waiting for the clock to strike two so I can have my first test for the course I am currently on which I can't find the english word for at the moment, though a rough translation would probably be business law.
My class ended at twelve...two hours to kill, well 50-ish minutes left now.

On a diffrent note, on the 1st of August I will be traveling to London with a couple of friends. I amreally looking forward to it :) We'll be staying til the 4th of August, so a "long"weekend. So if you have a recomendation on somehting I should see, try or such in London let me know.

After my test I will be going down town to pass some time before our "boardmeeting" - Also I really need to learn the English words things I am involved in.

Going well in school, C's and B's so far on my courses. Even scored myself an A on the powerpoint assignment.

Been sick a lot lately, which sadly have hurt me more with my anxiety BUT I got it under control and I have people to turn to for help when I need it - also know when I need it :)

I am sorry if this post has a lot of errors in it, but I have to use internet explorer and there's no spell check that actually works >_<

Well then...this kill a whole...five mintes of my time...gah!

Til next time
stay safe
with love
Sam

Guess what?

No actually nothing is wrong :jaws drops:

So just thought I would write a line or two about what's going on right now, I am currently going to school to become...erm... :googles the translation: accounting clerk - It sounds so extremely boring, especially in English. Will be done in the end of September, last 6-8 weeks will be work placement.
So far it's going well for me in school, though as stated before I don't particular like the "new" grade system since it was going for universal and failed after applying the letters E-A, C's so far on the courses and a couple of B's on the tests :happypanda:

Next week I will no longer have any debts (except one to a friend), I'll order a new desk, desk-chair and a screen - since the one I am currently using is technically an old flat screen TV and not a proper computer screen.

Going away every weekend, starting Friday, til third weekend in April, birthdays, conference, convention and just ordinary meeting up with peeps things.

Yeah, so things are good. Even when I have bad days, which come once in a while, or when I am sick I feel alright even good. It's a bit scary at times but overall I really approve and like feeling like this.

'til next time
Be safe
Sam

So mostly good things ahead

Hi to whom ever reads these,

I have finished two of my courses for this education, "C" on both of them, though I think it's more along the lines of the general "B" in the rest of the world - because Sweden can't use the same system through out, no lets just use the letters in the grade system and not the actual grading like the rest of the world >_< - Moving on from the rant.
So yay I have been doing good in school, even though I have been sick so darn much.

Also apparently my Nexplanon implant as this lovely side-effect of the flue, so I am not entirely sure when I have actually have had the flue and when it's been the side-effects. And for other reasons I might be taking it out, not really working for me.

Something else nice, I am really enjoying being in the board of the tenant-owner's association, even if it's a lot of work sometimes. I am attending different and interesting courses, I am going on a conference in April which I am really looking forward to. It's going to be held at Viltmarkshotellet, at Kolmården, I have never been to Kolmården (an animalpark) and I will get the chance when I am there :)

Also going to Gothcon in Göteborg over Easter, 28-31/3, which also means I get to spend time with my brother and finally gets to see how they live.

On Friday my partners family is coming over, to celebrate his birthday - which is next week, so I baked some cinnamon buns and some pastry custard ones.

And next weekend the "gang" is coming over, really looking forward to that.
I also have a  test next week, will study some more for it and should at least pass it.

With that I will take my leave,
take care
Sam

Mum

Hello

Felt the need to write a bit, was home over the weekend. Had a good time over all, but today was less good though. 

I had trouble sleeping, probably because I have gotten so used to sleeping at home but also because I had decided with grandma that we would go to the cemetery today. And we did, it was four years ago since I was there last, meaning I hadn't visit even ONCE since mum passed away. 

It wasn't as tiring as I thought, at first, but once I got on the train back home I was watching "Fringe" and the main characters mother figure dies and since then I have felt...I am not sure. Mainly I just want to cry, I've kept seeing the image of my mother when they declared her dead over and over in my head. 

It's almost two and a half year since she passed away. . . 

I'm sad I rarely have anything fun to share when I feel the need to write. Though over all my life is really going well right now, I am doing good in school, I am living with the man I love, I spend time with people I care for and that care for me. Over all I am good and happy just had a less good day today. 

Hopefully I can spare some time and share more of the good stuff next time, but just wanted that small part out now.

'til next time

Stay safe

Sam

Today 121012

Fall

I got in! Hehe, I knew the possibility of not getting in was very low but still it's me I still have the tendency to look at the negative. Though I am getting better at looking at the positive in things, but you know old habits die hard and all that jazz.

I'm typing his while waiting for my meeting with my social secretary, it feels a bit strange today.

Will be getting my ID today and get our tickets for the concert, Iron Maiden in June. 

So I know why it feels strange, I'm happy. I, in general, feel satisfied which a "strange" feeling since I haven't experienced it all that much. 

It's autumn now, meaning its really beautiful outside which just adds to my happiness. Despite the sad things that has happened during this "season" in the past I still adore it. 

After this month I will have finished a couple of my debts, yet another big step in the right direction. 

In little over a month I will be starting school, 40 weeks and I should have an education that actually qualifies me for different jobs, so in a year I could be working. 

I need another word for strange.

It feels, odd (?) to have things fall in place, I know I've worked a lot to get here and that I have had my mishaps and those things have changed me- not always for the better, but it has changed me. And over all I am happy with who I am today, sure there's a couple of things I would like to work on and that's alright.  

Everything in my life is NOT good, but as far as I can see everything is OK and from there I can work with it. One thing at the time. 

Back home again, after about ten months, feels a bit strange being here. It's so familiar and yet so much has changed, the new things that have been built, the people and I guess mostly me.
I am very happy where I live but it's really nice to be back home. I got asked on the first day back: So when are you moving back home?
If I would move back it would probably be first in a couple of years, at the earliest. I love it here, but it so much nicer to "just" be visiting.
I miss my friends and my family, but I have moved closer even if it now is a 2hour ride via bus and train / 1 and 1/2 hours via car so I will try and visit more often now - I will not wait 10 months to come back home this time.

So it's my birthday in 17 days, turning 24, it feels a bit odd but you know one apparently keeps getting older each year - for some odd reason. I thought I just turned 18 but it's been a while since then *chuckles*
and from the looks of it I will actually have some visitors this year, unlike last year when it was me, my aunt, her husband and his mother (though it was very nice either way!!!).

So why am I back home? House sitting and taking care off/watching my grandmothers cats, she's visiting my uncle and his family :) so one week back home is really nice (so far, third day here). Took my first swim in two years the evening I got here, and from the looks of it there might be a couple more chances to go swimming later this week :)

Going over to my family later today :) Meeting with my childhood friend/"sister" and her baby boy tomorrow ^^ Saturday it's "Cosplay meet-up" in the park. Oh and Friday is set for hanging out with friends as well.

I general I am feeling really great (= a bit strange to say and actually mean it, but it's a good strange.

Well I will try and think of something to do before dad comes to pick me up so bye for now!

With love
Sam

Guess what?

So it's been a while since I wrote, well anything to be honest. So many things, and a bit of nothing, has happen since I wrote in January.


Firstly I am living with Him now, we are still in an open-relationship and I have been active on a date-site and might be going on a date soon.

I am currently doing well, I am to start  vocational training soon(*). I will apply for school, education is key to getting jobs - especially when one doesn't have any kind of experience with working.

Tonight on the other hand, I am feeling a bit down, not sure why just one of those days. Missing people, missing my cats and all that shit. 

Might be updating on my other blog this coming week, since I have a couple of pages written about things I have mention over there before. 

Well then, for now I hope everyone is doing alright and I hope to be a little more active from now on.

With love

Sam

*Not sure I have actually translated it properly but lets hope I did.

Some sort of explanation or whatever

I feel the need to redo, or rather explain my last blogpost, since it apparently got some upset and even worried.

First I should explain Why I wrote anything in the first place, I have for the last year and a half been asked so many times what the relationship I have with him really is about, many of our friends have asked why it's that we are together at all. People ask why we have an open relationship and what it really means.

And the combination of getting asked the same questions so many times, lack of sleep and well be being a bitch is rarely the best thing for anything going well in my life.

//sighs// So lets explain somethings then; we like each other, like spending time together and after sometime fooling around some time ago we became what we are today, and the only real reason we actually put a label on this relationship was because I felt the pressure from other people.

And I did get a comment on my last post; “Don't take me wrong but are you really sure that this is what you want and not what he wants? Open relationship is not for all, there is only a few that can handle this sort of relationship. Still it's your choice in the end and if that makes you happy, go for it.”

And to be honest what I really want is just a silly dream //shrugs// It works so why must I defend it to everyone all the time? //shakes head// It's not a what most calls “normal” but you know what, normal is just not really what I do, if you haven't noticed already. //chuckles// Even if I often strive for normal.

So yeah, not sure this even explained anything, as usual with my post I guess. //sigh// I think I will shut down this blog. Not sure it's giving me anything anymore.

Maybe another time

//Sam

Just felt I needed to write this.

I love him. I am his best friend, his lover and I'll be there whenever he needs me.

What we have might change over time, we might find other lovers, but I will always love him, even if that love change.

I wish he and I could have a life together, I miss having him next to me when I wake in the morning, sex is great but it's a bonus, if I had to choose between having him as a lover or live with my best friend I would choose the latter. He has been the constant in my life for the past years, even if I had no one else to trust or turn to, I had him. He was the lifeboat in the storms of my life. I have loved a few others before him and during the times we were just friends, though since I realized I loved him more then my best friend my love have been constant, I might have hated him at times, wished he would leave me alone but I have loved him just the same.

The best friend in me wants him to find that special someone and the lover in me wishes that would be me.

I am in conflict with myself many times, but the love, respect, compassion and happiness I feel for him have stayed the same.

People have asked me if there's been others, if I really have loved him for theses last years of our lifes, and I have been intressted in others I have but the love I have for him is greater, ”So why do you settle for an open relationship”, I didn't settle for one, this is what he wanted so this is what it is. And that might sound like I settled, and if I have I am alright with it, and I never asked to be anything else either...

I get to be with the man I love above anything in this world and he is my best friend, how can I not be happy with what I have?

Don't take it out on me

Before reading this I want to say that it started out with me being annoyed/pissed at someone that I really shouldn't have been pissed at, so at the beginning it might be like a sort of---attack at said person but I hope if you read the entire thing you will see that this is me taking out my frustrations, instead of arguing with this person that I got pissed at for no reason which would have lead to unnecessary hurt for anyone involved. With that said, take a few minutes to read my latest ”post” about what the hell is going on in my life and what's on my mind:

I ain't the easiest person to live with, I know that very well, I have troubles, and I really don't know how to make myself into an easier person to live with, especially if no one can tell me what it is that makes me so hard to live with in the first place.

I hate conflicts, thus I myself tend to complain, just like most people I know, to others instead of the person actually involved. Which more often then not creates even more problems.

Mainly because whoever you told will, even if they didn't think about it, tell the person you should have told in the beginning, if said persons actually talk on a regular basis.

I have this phobia, something called ”Social phobia”, which in general means that places with people is places I would avoid. If I don't a part of my brain that has been taught that these places are ”bad” will send signals to other parts of my brain telling me that I will most likely die if I stay at this place. Yes that's not only illogical but also completely blown out of proportions, but that is what I tell myself. I am afraid of people watching me, that people will try and trample me down.

So a simple task like go buy a litre/gallon (or whatever type of measuring names you have) of milk in an ordinary store is amongst the hardest things I have to do.

It feels like my ribs will crush my lungs, I can barely breath, my heart is racing, and many times my body freezes in the place I am standing/sitting and I can not move. I have no control over my body. I can ”scream” at it to move but not even a muscle moves.

That is me doing a simple task of just going to the store, now imagine what I'll go trough when I have to walk/travel to say a work place.

I have gotten better at handling this, and I am re-learning/teaching my brain that these things aren't ”bad” and they will not kill me. But it's not just like switching on a light, it won't just get ”good” from just a couple of tries. It will take time, more time than I want it to take but I will have to deal if I am ever going to have any type of normal life.

Now lets add the fact that I am also currently depressed, and have to take anti-depression medicine to even get through the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that is not what I am after, however I want people to understand why I many times does not act like a ”normal” person.

I have spent majority of my childhood with a mother addicted to pain medicine, people have later said that they wished they would have done something so me and my brother would have had a better childhood. And in the beginning I hated those people, they where the adults and yet they didn't do anything to help me live a ”normal” life.

But there is no reason for me to hate what they didn't do. Because even if I am messed up, I am not sure the alternative would have been better.

And no I am not saying that if I had to have lived with my father things would have been the same or even worse because I think living with my father would have been a blessing. It's just that living without my mother after they years she in a way abused me would probably have messed me up even more then living with her and by myself realizing how wrong she had been.

Now I am not sure what it really was that I wanted to say with this, I know that I want others to in a way understand me more but I don't know how to in the best way express how I feel, or how things have effected me. Most of my stories, poems and text reflects some part of me, a part of my past, my feeling at a given time or my wishes for the future.

And I do have one thing I really would like to do, but I have no idea how. And that is to edit, if needed, my poems and actually publish a small book with my poems.

And yes I do have other things I want to do, and things I need to do, and some things I have no choice but to do. But that is something I would love to make happen. I want to share my poems with anyone willing to read.

And if I actually made any kinda of money from it I could maybe pay off the depths I have, so I eventually would be able to have my own place and live my own life to the fullest.

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam