Three years.

Not sure where to start tonight, just guess I will write and maybe this dreadful feeling will go away so I can get some sleep.

Tomorrow is the 23 of August, it will be three years since my mother passed away. In about 7 hours it will be three years ago I got a call from the hospital, in 13 hours it will be three years since the doctor declared her dead.
Three years, right now it feels like I have no idea what the hell I have been doing this whole time... I know I have worked very hard, I have gotten better even if I right now have a bad time, I am a half year away from finishing an education that will lead to jobs.
But this very moment it feels like I haven't done anything since she died, feels like I am the same depressed, trapped little girl now as I was then. Then again I also know now that these feelings will pass, I take comfort in knowing this. I know it's OK for me to feel these hard feelings, I shouldn't make them out to something less then what they are. It's not right for me to belittle the feelings I have.

IT IS ALRIGHT TO CRY!

Heh I have had some really bad thoughts lately. Nothing I would act on but the thoughts have been there. And the fact the have is scaring me a little. I wouldn't let myself get the chance to act on them, but it's still a bit scary.
I spent about 30 minutes in the shower tonight just hugging my knees and crying, it's quite soothing just having the water wash over one like that. Things didn't feel as bad when I got out.

The 31st I turn 25, I am looking forward to it since I get to go on a cruise with both some of my family and some of my friends, though it feels strange not having my mother there. I've already celebrated three birthdays without her why would this be different?

Leaving, why does it come so easily for some people?
Never feels like moving on when it gets back to square one...

I still have only visit my mothers grave twice, does that make me a bad daughter? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to visit?

Trying not to think so much about my childhood when have all these emotions already but when this day comes around it's very hard not to. Of course my childhood wasn't all bad! I have great memories, it's just that right now it is hard for me to remember them. Right now I can just hear her telling me to get over myself, push me down about school...

Looks like I still have a lot of anger for my mother.

I AM NOT GIVING UP! YOU HEAR!

My anxiety sometimes traps me inside my own body, I can not make my body move or do what I want.
And right now I feel a bit like that, though now I feel trapped because I can't seem to get all my feelings out.

Yeah, so this was a ramble post. I am not going to apologies for it though.
Because I shouldn't apologies for doing something that 1. Makes it easier for myself to be alright with me and 2. Does not hurt anyone.

With that said
Be safe
Sam