I deserve it.

Love has been a very strange part of my life, I always thought I knew what it was. I thought that I could define it with words. I knew there were different kinds of love, the love for family, friends, pets, things, they’re all different yet they are all still love.

I have for the last few years of my life been in love, with the same person, and it’s so different and yet similar to the love I’ve felt for previous people. This love started out as a love for a friend, then a member of my own made family and now it’s also for my lover. I never understood that love could be like this, different kinds for the same person.

I started to realize when I, please bear with me, came to hate my mother, I loved her and she will always have a place in my heart but I did hate her at one time. When she passed away I had gone from hating her to ‘just’ disliking her – I still loved her, don’t forget that.

I am not sure where I am going with this, I guess I just felt the need to write some of this to get it out of my mind for a bit.

You see, my partner and I have started talking more about the future. What we want, were we want to be, we've talked about moving to something bigger, getting a dog and eventually maybe a child. These things, sharing a life with someone, was something I thought I had come to terms with – I honestly thought that I would never have someone outside of family and friends to share my life with – I did not think this was something that I would ever experience. I am very happy that I am, I am so grateful to be where I am today. BUT it all feels a bit like a dream, I was never to make something out of my life and if I did I would spend it by myself.

Some of this is scaring me, especially the thought of a child – I am so scared of turning out like the bad parts of my own childhood. I doubt I would ever do so, but there’s that voice in my head – I guess my mother’s voice like when I was younger, telling me that I was not worth it, that I can’t do it.

Then my partner or my friends tell me, usually out of the blue, that I would be a great mum, that I am strong, that I am great. And I am starting to believe it myself.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what makes me happy. And I deserve to spend my time with people that love me despite, and perhaps because of, my quirks.