Maybe, just maybe

DISCLAIMER: This contains things about my family, which might hurt the ones it concerns BUT it is not my intention. I need to vent this. I need to explain my own feelings. And hopefully somethings might become clearer for some of you. And if any of you think I should take this down. Let me know. Also, read to the end.


Growing up I was told this and that about my father, after we almost stopped visiting him I was told by my mother that he didn't want to see us. And kept telling us this and that he didn't like us, yet under all my doubts about him I put him on a pedestal like no matter what he couldn't be worse than my mother, even if he didn't like us or didn't want to see us he never tried to hurt us with words. And I loved him, probably more than I ever did love my mother, and I still love him.

Years went by, we saw our father sporadic, I got disappointed at every event he didn't show up to, he started missing holidays, eventually even birthdays. And it hurt, I couldn't understand how you could just not care about your child, your firstborn, your only daughter. Was my step-mother and youngest brothers so much more important?

When my mother was sent to the hospital, we were sent to live with our father seeing as he had shared custody of me. I wasn't happy about it, I was already depressed, and I was already inflicting pain on myself. Now I know they really tried to get us to feel at home there, but I didn't feel welcome. I always felt like I wasn't wanted so why should they even try to make it look like they did?

Of course I had good times with them, I really did, but the thoughts that they really didn't want me was always there. My step-mother never did the "my kids will have much better things than you", she tried to be a mother to me. But it just seemed fake to me, I was so used to how my mother treated me so anything else just seemed fake and like a bother.

And then at one of the summers, I was around 15-16, my mother had gotten back from the hospital for a while and I just wanted to be back with her, with her I knew where I stood. I knew what I could do to please her, I knew my place.
That summer I was in two plays, during one week I had shows twice a day but not ONCE did my father or step-mother bother to come see it. My mother in her wheelchair came, with my grandmother and my brother.

Eventually I just decided that I would live with her instead.
My father didn't like the idea, we argued over the phone and honestly I do not remember what we really argued about, the only thing I remember is him telling me I was worthless. My world crashed. The pedestal he was on crumbled. And around that time I tried to take my own life for the first time.

"If not even neither of my parents wanted me, why should I waste anyone's time with being here?"

All this got questioned last Friday when I learned that my fathers social-phobia (which I also have) had been just as bad, if not worse than mine. That he had struggled with it almost his entire life. Suddenly him doing his hobby with my brothers with no one else around instead of going to my events made more sense. And I have started questioning all the times he never showed up. Maybe he really couldn't come.
Just like I couldn't even get out of the door, or when I freeze up in a store or when I get a nosebleed from all the stress it causes me to even think about doing anything when there would be others around.

And the biggest question of them all, maybe it wasn't me. Just maybe I wasn't the reason he didn't come. Maybe he did love me back then. Maybe my dad really wanted to be there for me but couldn't.
Maybe I was worth something to him.

Maybe I wasn't the reason.

All of a sudden, my life kind of got turned around. All I thought I knew might not even be true, maybe everything is just what my mind created from the words of others and the actions of someone that couldn't tell me "Why".

I leave, lighter at heart but still a bit lost and confused.
with love
Sam

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam

Hilo

Hilo everyone

So it’s Sunday 28^th  of November 2010 today, also the first Advent today, and I went to church with my grandmother. And I must say I actually enjoyed going to church.

Let me start with that my 80 year old grandmother met up with her cousin, whom I presume is around her age as well and that cousins’ neighbor and they (cousin and grandmother) told me that the neighbor was young, and when comparing to the two of them I guess she was, since she was ‘only’ 68. It was entertaining listening to them talk, especially about the people that came, ‘He’s become old hasn’t he?’, ‘Look a lot of old ladies here.’ And seriously when two 80 year olds comments that there’s ‘old ladies’ around them, you can’t not laugh.

One of the priests talked about giving each other more time to give an impression, during those 30-60sec that we give each other now is maybe just a little too short time. He also told a story, about a missionary that was out in a dessert and his Jeep broke down, so instead of waiting by the car he started walking towards the village he was headed for. Some time later he was faced with lions, before they were to close he kneeled and prayed to God to help him, a few meters from him the lions stopped. They put their paws together and thanked God for the food. – Now that was not the story I thought he would tell, but there’s always two ways to anything. And I did enjoy that story. He made some other great point, which I at the moment can’t talk about since I’m working on them on my own.

So in the middle of me writing this I’m also trying to get my room in order, which isn’t an easy task I might add. However I am getting there, slowly, eventually I’ll be able to take up the Christmas things and decorate.

I’ve booked Sunday 12^th as my ‘Advent gathering’, so I have two weeks to get everything done – such as baking, cleaning and shopping.

I have however ironed the curtains and I hung them yesterday. I need to find pots for the flowers I bought the other day.

No actually it’s playing stupid games on facebook, cleaning, packing/unpacking and writing this.

Well I probably had something else to add. *shrugs* That will be another post then.

For now, be safe

With love

Sam

Happiness ^^

Today was a great day, some things did go wrong, some things made me sad and I wanted to curl up and cry under my cover, but besides that it was great day.

I spent most of today with two friends of mine, took a boat trip, had lunch before it and had dinner before it. Oh and I ate breakfast this morning :O
I could use a pair a pants that was to small this summer. ^^

Tomorrow me and one of my friends leave for my aunt and uncles :) Haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them a lot. They are a part of my family, a big part of my family, even if I don't get to see them that often they are amongst the most important persons in my life.

I'll be going to bed now, hopefully I wont have to wake up 'cause I have to puke or have trouble sleeping 'cause I could be better off if I did.

Foul day turned good day

So my day didn't start out all that great, in fact it was amongst the *insert bad/odd word* of a day in months tbh. But then I sent a text to a friend of mine, asking what she was up to.
And a short while later, and me starting to do the dishes, she arrived. I'm not sure why but she's one of the few persons that can actually get me in a better mood by just being around me ^^
We spent the day talking, mostly about boys (wow that's soooo unusual when two girls meet, don't ya think?) but about a lot of other things as well, and sitting by our laptops checking for furniture.

The hours, even if at some times it didn't, they past fairly quick, we we're joined for dinner by another friend. And now we ran into a "bump in the road", not going into details but parents can be very unfaithful to their children. And we said goodbye, even if that ruined some of the mood I am in fairly good spirits.
Mostly since I'm looking forward to this weekend ^^

Though I need to ask my dad for another favor, if I want this to work out exactly as I want it to ;)

'til next time
love
Sammie

Pain pain pain...but somehow I can manage to feel fairly good/happy despite the pain :o *looks around* Hmm maybe I was switched somewhere my pessimistic-self loathing-bitching self left and this other one came instead...then again might just be "that-time-of-the-month" thing :P Hehe

Went to the nurse at the erm...I want to call it "Youth center" but I believe that's something completely different from where I was. A nurse at the, er, place beside at the gynecologist to get contraceptive, ask about contraceptives and things like that, and before you turn 23 here in Sweden it's free of charge. Really nice thing. Got some nice answers and now I have an appointment to get a "spiral" thing in the beginning of September so I'll hopefully won't have anymore bleeding's... No bleeding = No pain! No pain = Happy Sam! Happy Sam = Happy everyone else! ...maybe :p *chuckles*

'nough about my personal stuff, or rather a little to personal personal stuff maybe :P Hehe

At my brothers now, or maybe I should say my brothers and my place ^^ For now at least :) It's nice. Lonely most of the time, but nice despite it.

Went to the vet with my grandmother and her cat today, took us about three and a half hour, met some nice people with nice pets =)

Now I'll watch more House MD (season 3 ep 20) ;)

The Sad Hero

The Sad Hero
He is brave, loyal, kind and above everything he is a protector. But you see that smile he has on his lips when you get the chance to see him, it is forced. That care-free attitude of his, it’s his mask for what is really going on.
Our hero is fighting a war whilst he protects us helps us in our own battles, his war is not seen by us, and it is fought inside him, where he built his high walls and his fortress. That impenetrable fortress he started building years ago.
Our hero, our knight in shining armour, is beaten up under it all. Behind the drapery of bravery and courage our hero is like a lonesome wolf left behind by his pack, he is sad and alone.
Wishes are made to that of our hero, a wish to make him see that the wall and the fortress only need to be that of a house and its wooden fence with its open gate, wishes that of happiness for our hero. Our sad hero need not face these battles alone; he has an army to back him up.

Story one: Christmas

I’m sitting in my kitchen looking out through my window. Looking at the snow hitting the porch and the windows; it’s early in the morning the sun has yet to rise. I’m just sitting here, gazing out on the lake, the mountains and the forest that surrounds my house. Just sitting, drinking ice cold milk in my newly bought wine glasses.

Last night I had one of my parties, this time of year a Christmas party, for my friends and their families, husbands, wife's, partners, children. It where around thirty people here last night, celebrating Christmas Eve, not counting the waiters, chefs and other staff members. You see when throwing parties like this I take help from my restaurants, and for once my brother was not in the kitchen. He is working with me in one of the restaurants. For once he and his wife could enjoy the party, without him having to work. But to my despair their daughter Sarah, is with our mother tonight. Since she, our mother, is going away the day after tomorrow… rehab once again.

In just a few hours the others will wake up, we’ll eat and then open presents. That means that in about an hour, Jane and Jimmy’s coming to help me serve breakfast. Making breakfast for thirty people isn’t that hard, at least not in my kitchen. But getting them all breakfast is the hard part. And since I don’t want to bother my friends… either way you’re maybe wondering how I can have thirty people sleeping here, aren’t you?

Well a couple of years ago I took some time to figure out what I wanted to do in life, I got back to school and with savings and a loan I started my first restaurant, together with my brother. And it didn’t go great from the beginning but after some struggles our restaurant got nice reviews and we got big. Now 15 years later we have restaurants all over the world, Spain, France, China, Japan, Australia amongst other.
During the years in school and up starting of the restaurants I didn’t find time for friends or family. Sure I did have a few loose relationships with both men and women. But I never got close, never let them know ‘real’ me. And now you all think of me as an evil bitch or a player of sort. And I guess I am. But can’t handle my own family, not a boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter, nor can I handle to have my own child. Taking care of my nieces, nephews and friends children isn’t that hard, I love children and they love Aunt Sandra. I can spoil them rotten without having to deal with the punishment when they don’t clean their rooms or don’t do their homework, because that’s the parent’s job. Not the cool Aunts.
And no there isn’t something wrong with how I look, I can’t complain about being rejected and that’s why I don’t have a ‘real’ relationship. But I just don’t want it; I am not built for relationships on that level.

I am happy with my life, I fulfilled my dream to open my own restaurant, I have my dream house where I can entertain all my friends and their families. And speaking about entertaining friends, my old friend came back to town with his wife and child, all the way from Australia. I hadn’t seen them since I opened the restaurant in Sydney, four years ago. Their daughter is turning out to be quite the beauty, I adore her. They also brought some of our other friends from Australia. I feel happy when I see them.
And some of my friends from England came, with their families. It feels nice seeing everyone again. It’s been such a long time since we last met all of us together like this. This is one of the best Christmas I have ever spent.

“Aunt Sandra?” A small girl, just around five walked into the kitchen.
“Hi there honey, what are you doing up so early? Is mommy and daddy still asleep?”
“I couldn’t sleep any longer. Yes they're still asleep.”
“You want some milk and cookies?” I asked and walked over to the fridge.
“Yes please.” I smiled at her as she took a seat next to where I sat. “Auntie?”
“Yes dear?” I pored her some milk and took out the cookie jar I kept next to the fridge and handed her a cookie.
“Did Santa come during the night?”
“Of course he did. He even ate all the cookies we made him.”
“Hey auntie, got any milk for the rest of us?” I turned and watched as my two nephews, my niece and three of my friends’ kids walk in.
“Well I can even make you guys some hot chocolate and then we can watch some TV before your parents wake up.” They all shined up and smiled at me. “Now why don’t you go out and watch TV and I’ll come with the chocolate in a minute.”
“Yay!” They rushed out of the kitchen.
“Kids.” I smiled as I brought out some more milk and the chocolate.

“Sandra?”
“Yes?” I looked down at the boy in my knee, he have just turned four.
“This is the best Christmas, ever!”
“Yes auntie, let’s spend all the Christmas here!” My youngest nephew said.
“You won’t be saying that in a few years, Tim. Trust me you won’t.” They all said they wanted to spend their Christmas at my house, since they could be with their families and their friends at the same time. I just nodded in agreement.

Feeling welcome

Oh how I love my family - really they throw away things that are mine without asking me if I want them, putting my things away when I told them I would come get them in a week or so - and then they ask why I don't want to spend time with them!?

I love my family I do - but I guess that's just because I have to more then anything right now. Having a mother that destroyed my childhood, a father that was never there (both because mother wouldn't let him and because he didn't try enough), and a brother who has no respect for what's mine....

*sigh* I was hoping today would be a fairly good day but as it is right now, I have little hope of it going the "right" way from here...

Hope you have a better day then my morning where...

At the keys
Sam