I don't even

I was talking with my brother earlier, you know the usual stuff, and about how their weekend back home had been.
And just like anyones hometown there are bound to be rumors.
"Did you hear about X? Y told W who told Q who told me that X had___."

An old family friend had heard I was in therapy because my mother had abused ( if we got it right) when I was a kid. So our family friend asked their son (friend of my brother) if maybe they should be there for us.
The son then talked to my brother.

Let's get some things straight, my mother might have abused me Mentally (still in no way ok) and I've been in therapy for just that but my mother has been dead for almost FIVE years. I live in another town with my partner in our apartment with our cats and we're trying to add to our family.
NOTHING anyone has to say or offer can change my childhood or my time as a teen. What my mother did can't be changed.
I've spent over a decade in and out of therapy working on relearning the things she taught me, learning that I am worth something among other things.
So what could possibly be good about trying to "be here for me"? So many years after the fact. I am a child of an addict - I learned to accept that as a fact when I was 19.
I am now five months from turning 27, I have people that support me now especially when I'm not even aware of my need for their support.
And I still have things to work on in my life, will always have some of the past there to remind me of where I don't want to end up.

It's just a little to late. Focus on your own life.
And should you want me something, just to know if what you heard is right, just ask ME instead.

I will go back to my burrito-ing in the sofa.

Stay safe
Sam

Mum

Hello

Felt the need to write a bit, was home over the weekend. Had a good time over all, but today was less good though. 

I had trouble sleeping, probably because I have gotten so used to sleeping at home but also because I had decided with grandma that we would go to the cemetery today. And we did, it was four years ago since I was there last, meaning I hadn't visit even ONCE since mum passed away. 

It wasn't as tiring as I thought, at first, but once I got on the train back home I was watching "Fringe" and the main characters mother figure dies and since then I have felt...I am not sure. Mainly I just want to cry, I've kept seeing the image of my mother when they declared her dead over and over in my head. 

It's almost two and a half year since she passed away. . . 

I'm sad I rarely have anything fun to share when I feel the need to write. Though over all my life is really going well right now, I am doing good in school, I am living with the man I love, I spend time with people I care for and that care for me. Over all I am good and happy just had a less good day today. 

Hopefully I can spare some time and share more of the good stuff next time, but just wanted that small part out now.

'til next time

Stay safe

Sam

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam

Saturday

Hello fello humans,

I hope that everyone is doing fairly okay. I myself are, frankly not really sure how I am. Since one minute I'm feeling pretty awesome and the next I can't stop crying. And most of the time I'm just feeling very unsure with myself. I've felt like that before, but this time it's a little different. I think.

There's so many things going on in my life right now, decisions that needs to be made, relationships to figure out, people to talk to, decisions to be heard from other places, cleaning out the apartment and the basement, and somewhere I need time for myself, to just take care of myself. And sure some, most of these things I need to do, is in the end about making myself feel better, sure, but right now it doesn't really feel that way.

And sure I can most of the days actually smile for no less reason then that I'm just glad. Even if I spend many times a day crying, there's not just tears all day long.

In the middle of taking care of everything after mother, 'n everything else, I somehow have time to have 'love-problems', wow, it's amazing how the mind wanders sometimes.

I'm actually trying to build up courage to ask someone out, but something keeps coming up. So maybe I should just walk on, find someone else? I don't know. Sure there's a few people that peeks my interest, even if most of my mind wanders of to one person, there's a few I wonder if there's a possibility for anything more. A part of me goes; 'You don't have time for that.' and another part goes; 'You really need to do this.'
I think that's one of those 'listen to the heart v.s listen to the brain' things.

So, on to what my Saturday, I woke up 11.34, though I think the first time I feel asleep it was 05-ish, I think I got a couple of hours of sleep at least.
Spent my day with three friends of mine, 'playing' Vampire; Requiem (A rollplaying game). Though I was 'off' most of today, our mission was fun, even though if I had been able to pay more attention we might have actually finished it instead of getting through half of it. But I think they guys didn't mind, to much. Hopefully.
At 22, they left. I started moving around stuff in the room so I can fit my bed in here, tomorrow when we get it.
Oh and one of my friends, Ac, re-installed (or whatever you call it) my computer and it's so far working waaaaaaaay better than before. Yay!

Well I'm off to bed, for some possible hours of sleep

'til next time
be safe
Sam

<|3

I know we didn’t see eye to eye
I know we both said stupid and mean things about the other
I know you were sick
You knew how sick I had become
I pretend you didn’t mean so much to me
I pretend like there’s no reason for me to cry
I even convinced myself that it didn’t affect me
But it’s not true, I miss you so damn much
I cry, because you’re not here anymore
I can never see you again
Never tell you that you did mean the world to me
That I will always love you
Mum I really miss you

2010-09-26

So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.

Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.

Night people
//Sam

2010 08 23 R.I.P

06:09 – My phone rings. Even before I answer I somewhat knew what it was about. The nurse told me that we needed to be prepared. It was really bad.
06:12 – My uncle calls to tell me he’s coming to pick us up.
06:24 – My uncle and grandmother arrives, the longest twelve minute of my life has just past.
~08:00 – We arrived at the hospital, NICU (NIVA is the sort one in Swe). The nurse tells us to wait a little while before we can go inside to see mum.
08:15-11:00 – We got to see mother. Talked to the doctor, whom explained what they had done. That they’d done whatever they could think of. The bleeding in the brain had put too much pressure in there so they had to operate, since the meds didn’t do anything. The operation didn’t relieve any of the pressure either. When the bleeding started, if I got this correctly, she had a seizure that slipped her in to a coma; a coma which she never would wake up from.
~11:00 – We get called in to her room, her pulse dropped below 40, thus meaning it shouldn’t be long now.
~11:16 – Her heart had stopped beating. My mother was now, in the medical term, deceased.
11:30 – We left the hospital to return home…

I had to call my aunt, my dad’s sister and one of my mother’s closest friends, on her birthday to say that mother was dead. That was and will probably be the hardest call I had to make.
Of all the calls I’ve made today, the one that upset me the most where the one I mad to my best friend. I know he was working, that he was busy and all that shit, but pretty much saying I was a pain in the ass for wanting him close to me when I got back home was probably the most annoying and upsetting part of the day.
My mother’s death is upsetting, of course it is, and that’s what’s to be expected. But that call got me even worse.
I hope he didn’t mean it,…..and now I made it just way worse by sending a stupid text: "Didn't want to bother you with another call earlier, she's dead, died around 11.15. If you can manage to can you please make some time for your suppossed friend that's grieving and could use a gamiliar face to make her think about something else for a sec, tomorrow? Or is that to much of a pain for you?/Sam"

Why the hell must I always make it worse!? Fuck….

Not sure what will happen tomorrow, just know that in a few days the things can’t wait any longer…