Mum

Hello

Felt the need to write a bit, was home over the weekend. Had a good time over all, but today was less good though. 

I had trouble sleeping, probably because I have gotten so used to sleeping at home but also because I had decided with grandma that we would go to the cemetery today. And we did, it was four years ago since I was there last, meaning I hadn't visit even ONCE since mum passed away. 

It wasn't as tiring as I thought, at first, but once I got on the train back home I was watching "Fringe" and the main characters mother figure dies and since then I have felt...I am not sure. Mainly I just want to cry, I've kept seeing the image of my mother when they declared her dead over and over in my head. 

It's almost two and a half year since she passed away. . . 

I'm sad I rarely have anything fun to share when I feel the need to write. Though over all my life is really going well right now, I am doing good in school, I am living with the man I love, I spend time with people I care for and that care for me. Over all I am good and happy just had a less good day today. 

Hopefully I can spare some time and share more of the good stuff next time, but just wanted that small part out now.

'til next time

Stay safe

Sam

I need help.

I need help, because I can’t go through this every time I’m going to school. It can’t work like this, and I don’t understand why it’s like this.

It starts out okay, if I wake up with just enough time for me to get dressed and leave, anything more than that and I’m in trouble. Because more time means that I get that stupid voice in my head telling me that I can’t go, I should stay home, what’s the point, you’re a failure anyway so why bother, and then the nausea comes and now I can bare get out of bed. But I ignore it, I get dressed, I get ready because I can do this, and then I puke when I’m getting close to the front door. And the voice keep telling me, I told you so, there’s no point for you to try, you are nothing, you have always been nothing and you will always be nothing. Why try and change that? People can’t change, they lie and deceive but never change. Just like you, you lie to your friends and family, you are not strong, you are not better, you’re still the same girl that loathes herself and wishes herself to be dead. And I try not to listen to that voice. I try but I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed.

I’m not in control over my own body, I want to walk out the door but somehow I can’t, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do, the things that worked before ain’t working no more.  I’m hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop, I need school, I need to get good grades I need to be there. Failing is not supposed to be an option…

Saturday

Hello fello humans,

I hope that everyone is doing fairly okay. I myself are, frankly not really sure how I am. Since one minute I'm feeling pretty awesome and the next I can't stop crying. And most of the time I'm just feeling very unsure with myself. I've felt like that before, but this time it's a little different. I think.

There's so many things going on in my life right now, decisions that needs to be made, relationships to figure out, people to talk to, decisions to be heard from other places, cleaning out the apartment and the basement, and somewhere I need time for myself, to just take care of myself. And sure some, most of these things I need to do, is in the end about making myself feel better, sure, but right now it doesn't really feel that way.

And sure I can most of the days actually smile for no less reason then that I'm just glad. Even if I spend many times a day crying, there's not just tears all day long.

In the middle of taking care of everything after mother, 'n everything else, I somehow have time to have 'love-problems', wow, it's amazing how the mind wanders sometimes.

I'm actually trying to build up courage to ask someone out, but something keeps coming up. So maybe I should just walk on, find someone else? I don't know. Sure there's a few people that peeks my interest, even if most of my mind wanders of to one person, there's a few I wonder if there's a possibility for anything more. A part of me goes; 'You don't have time for that.' and another part goes; 'You really need to do this.'
I think that's one of those 'listen to the heart v.s listen to the brain' things.

So, on to what my Saturday, I woke up 11.34, though I think the first time I feel asleep it was 05-ish, I think I got a couple of hours of sleep at least.
Spent my day with three friends of mine, 'playing' Vampire; Requiem (A rollplaying game). Though I was 'off' most of today, our mission was fun, even though if I had been able to pay more attention we might have actually finished it instead of getting through half of it. But I think they guys didn't mind, to much. Hopefully.
At 22, they left. I started moving around stuff in the room so I can fit my bed in here, tomorrow when we get it.
Oh and one of my friends, Ac, re-installed (or whatever you call it) my computer and it's so far working waaaaaaaay better than before. Yay!

Well I'm off to bed, for some possible hours of sleep

'til next time
be safe
Sam

<|3

I know we didn’t see eye to eye
I know we both said stupid and mean things about the other
I know you were sick
You knew how sick I had become
I pretend you didn’t mean so much to me
I pretend like there’s no reason for me to cry
I even convinced myself that it didn’t affect me
But it’s not true, I miss you so damn much
I cry, because you’re not here anymore
I can never see you again
Never tell you that you did mean the world to me
That I will always love you
Mum I really miss you

2010-09-26

So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.

Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.

Night people
//Sam