I need help.

I need help, because I can’t go through this every time I’m going to school. It can’t work like this, and I don’t understand why it’s like this.

It starts out okay, if I wake up with just enough time for me to get dressed and leave, anything more than that and I’m in trouble. Because more time means that I get that stupid voice in my head telling me that I can’t go, I should stay home, what’s the point, you’re a failure anyway so why bother, and then the nausea comes and now I can bare get out of bed. But I ignore it, I get dressed, I get ready because I can do this, and then I puke when I’m getting close to the front door. And the voice keep telling me, I told you so, there’s no point for you to try, you are nothing, you have always been nothing and you will always be nothing. Why try and change that? People can’t change, they lie and deceive but never change. Just like you, you lie to your friends and family, you are not strong, you are not better, you’re still the same girl that loathes herself and wishes herself to be dead. And I try not to listen to that voice. I try but I can’t do anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed.

I’m not in control over my own body, I want to walk out the door but somehow I can’t, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do, the things that worked before ain’t working no more.  I’m hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop, I need school, I need to get good grades I need to be there. Failing is not supposed to be an option…

Happiness ^^

Today was a great day, some things did go wrong, some things made me sad and I wanted to curl up and cry under my cover, but besides that it was great day.

I spent most of today with two friends of mine, took a boat trip, had lunch before it and had dinner before it. Oh and I ate breakfast this morning :O
I could use a pair a pants that was to small this summer. ^^

Tomorrow me and one of my friends leave for my aunt and uncles :) Haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them a lot. They are a part of my family, a big part of my family, even if I don't get to see them that often they are amongst the most important persons in my life.

I'll be going to bed now, hopefully I wont have to wake up 'cause I have to puke or have trouble sleeping 'cause I could be better off if I did.

Update

So what's been going on?
Well school has started and I am currently trying to work on the Swedish assignment, not going so well. Got math tomorrow.

Went to "Moonfest" this weekend, it was awesome, to say it in one word. Met nice people, drank a lot, and had loads of fun ^^

Going to RAW Comedy Club on Saturday with my best friend. ^^ Looking forward to it.

What else. Um. Not much I can tell here. So for now

'til next time
Sam

Not something I want, need or care for.

So I haven’t been completely honest with people around me, and the only explanation for that is, I haven’t been honest with myself. Thus it’s a little hard to be honest with others when you’re not even honest with yourself.

I’ve been complaining a lot lately, mostly I’ve been bitching about my ‘love life’, though there has been little reasons for bitching about it. It’s been my escape-goat. And thus I haven’t put all my efforts into correcting others when they say something that doesn’t match up with how things really are for me.

So I’m asking the people around me that have been bashing on my ‘partner’ to please stop. It is uncalled for.

Whatever is between the two of us, is just that, between the two of us. I am sorry for ‘dragging’ others into it, it turned into something ugly. I wanted to tell someone, I wanted someone to talk to, and now it turned into this bashing against him.

Bashing him for things you say are ‘wrong’, when it is not up to you to decide that. We are not nor will we be boyfriend and girlfriend. We just are what we are. Now if that upsets some of you then too bad for you. I will not stop seeing the one person in this world that makes me feel safe, comfortable, relaxed, and liked, all at the same time, just because You decided that what WE did was wrong. And that the fact I WAS hurt is reason enough to bash him, someone You said were your friend, is not enough.

I am in a way honored You don’t want me to be hurt, but You also say that all you want is for me to be happy. And guess what, he makes me happy.

Yes he has hurt me, and he will most likely do something to hurt me in the future, and so will anyone else. You can’t please everyone all the time.

Nothing comes with just one side.

So this is me telling you to stop, I don’t want to hear how ‘bad’ he’s been treating me when he’s the reason I can get up in the mornings, I don’t want to hear about how he doesn’t like me when he’s the one that got me to realize I deserve more than what I had been given. So stop back-talking him when he is supposed to be a friend of Yours as well.

I’m glad you care, but Your negativity is not something I want, need or care for

http://elysium11.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/tired-drama/

Old friend

It's nice meeting with old friends :) Especially when they get you in a better mood, get you to laugh about the one thing that has been worrying the shit out of you. :)

How do you move on?

Someone got a suggestion?

How do you move on? When the one you love doesn't love you? How do you move on? When you've been hurt, how do you move on?

Easy, right, cut them out of your life.

Yes freaking easy when it's supposed to be your best friend and if you cut that one out you'll cut so many else out in the process.

Love sucks!

Sure I'm dating, but that doesn't make the thoughts stop. The first thing in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.

Some of my friends tell me that he's not worth it. He has hurt me to much.
Some of my friends tell me not to stop talking with him, since he's my friend.

So what do I do? I apparently get drunk, complain about it and hope to whatever there might be that I can be strong enough to do anything about it.

Work in progress.

”So if I asked, would you say ‘Yes’?” She asked him, as they walked towards her home.
“Asked what?” She sighed.
“What have we been talking about for the last couple of minutes?” He looked at her with an raised eyebrow. “ A date, perhaps?”
“Oh.” He said looking straight ahead again, they said nothing to each other and a few minutes later, they walked through her front door.
“You want coffee?” She asked, walking into the kitchen putting the groceries in the fridge, and starting with the coffee before his ‘Yes, please’ answer from the other room could be heard.

She gave him his cup and sat down next to him in the sofa, pulling her legs up and sipping on her tea; “Yes.” She looked at him, questioning what he just said, “Yes I would go out with you on a date.” She smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder as he placed his arm around her.


A night they’d decided to meet with an old friend of hers that was back in town; “So how long have the two of you been an item?” Her friend asked as he left to get them another drink.
“We’re not together.” She stated, her friend raised an eyebrow which she noticed; “We’re friends.”
“But there’s something, right?” Her friend continued.
“No, will probably never be either. I mean I love him, probably more then I should and more than I’m allowing myself to see. Yeah I know it doesn’t make much sense.” Her eyes went back to him, where he was standing in the bar.
“I’ve known you for years, and I’ve never seen you as happy as you are together with that dude, honestly, do something about it.”
“Nothing to do, he knows I love him and he doesn’t love me like that.”
“Wait, he knows how you feel about him,” she nodded, “and he’s not keeping his distance or taking advantage of you?”
“I’m the one taking advantage of the situation, not him. And sure it’s screwing me up when it comes to meeting someone else, since I’m comparing them all to him and how he makes me feel and yet there’s no one fitting that place. Especially not when he has a tendency to be somewhere around when I do meet with someone…”
“Wait a minute, he’s the guy that was ‘in the way’ when you met with my friend?” The blush on her face confirmed it. “So you’re not together, he’s the guy that comes pretty much whenever you call for him, you refer to things as ‘yours’ not his or hers – yours, and from what I gathered from the others – No shush I talk with others – the two of you are as together as two people can be without actually kissing in public. Oh and yes I know what else you do.”
“Here’s your drinks ladies.” He put the drinks in front of them. “Heh miss, what’s wrong?”
“You’ll have to excuse her, I think I pressed a little too much of, um, lets’ go with reality, for her to take in at this moment.”


“People think we’re together, did you know that? Actually, my family all probably thinks that as well.” He didn’t even turn towards her. “Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“And you have nothing to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, something.”

Saturday

Hello fello humans,

I hope that everyone is doing fairly okay. I myself are, frankly not really sure how I am. Since one minute I'm feeling pretty awesome and the next I can't stop crying. And most of the time I'm just feeling very unsure with myself. I've felt like that before, but this time it's a little different. I think.

There's so many things going on in my life right now, decisions that needs to be made, relationships to figure out, people to talk to, decisions to be heard from other places, cleaning out the apartment and the basement, and somewhere I need time for myself, to just take care of myself. And sure some, most of these things I need to do, is in the end about making myself feel better, sure, but right now it doesn't really feel that way.

And sure I can most of the days actually smile for no less reason then that I'm just glad. Even if I spend many times a day crying, there's not just tears all day long.

In the middle of taking care of everything after mother, 'n everything else, I somehow have time to have 'love-problems', wow, it's amazing how the mind wanders sometimes.

I'm actually trying to build up courage to ask someone out, but something keeps coming up. So maybe I should just walk on, find someone else? I don't know. Sure there's a few people that peeks my interest, even if most of my mind wanders of to one person, there's a few I wonder if there's a possibility for anything more. A part of me goes; 'You don't have time for that.' and another part goes; 'You really need to do this.'
I think that's one of those 'listen to the heart v.s listen to the brain' things.

So, on to what my Saturday, I woke up 11.34, though I think the first time I feel asleep it was 05-ish, I think I got a couple of hours of sleep at least.
Spent my day with three friends of mine, 'playing' Vampire; Requiem (A rollplaying game). Though I was 'off' most of today, our mission was fun, even though if I had been able to pay more attention we might have actually finished it instead of getting through half of it. But I think they guys didn't mind, to much. Hopefully.
At 22, they left. I started moving around stuff in the room so I can fit my bed in here, tomorrow when we get it.
Oh and one of my friends, Ac, re-installed (or whatever you call it) my computer and it's so far working waaaaaaaay better than before. Yay!

Well I'm off to bed, for some possible hours of sleep

'til next time
be safe
Sam

Not a good day

Today was really not a good day, I think I went little over an hour at one time without crying.
And I couldn't ask the one person I really wanted to be near me to either come to me or I to him. Because apparently all my courage left me after I asked my dad for help yesterday.
*takes a deep breath* Today was just not a good day.
I wanted to go down to the market, but I could, I wanted to go to the store but I didn't dare. I can't leave the apartment, not today. Anything and nothing makes me cry!
I just want to feel safe. I want - I miss my mother. I miss my best friend. I miss my family. I miss my friends....

<|3

I know we didn’t see eye to eye
I know we both said stupid and mean things about the other
I know you were sick
You knew how sick I had become
I pretend you didn’t mean so much to me
I pretend like there’s no reason for me to cry
I even convinced myself that it didn’t affect me
But it’s not true, I miss you so damn much
I cry, because you’re not here anymore
I can never see you again
Never tell you that you did mean the world to me
That I will always love you
Mum I really miss you

Nightmares and worries

I've been having this nightmare about alligators and crocodiles now and then for a couple of years and it's seriously messing me up every time.
It's always at the same place, same time of the year and the same time of the day I meet this lake of crocs and gaters. Though the reason for being there are always different, this time it was some kind of candystore, and we were a bunch of people that had won a contest at our work (this candystore) and we're supposed to have this contest to get a 'ultimate winner', kind of assault course, first we run through a giant house (that house is always in this dream) out the back, up a hill, through a forest and this is where we get to the lake. At fist it looks just like any other lake, meaning it looked pretty dark and the moon was reflecting on the surface.
We have to do this; 1. Climb these rocks 2. swim to the other side and 3. Climb the rocks at the other side. Easy enough, right?

Well you get up the rocks and then your eyes see something moving in the water, not anything small either, no this is where the gaters and crocs come in. At first there's like just a few but more and more surface from the lake. Trying to attack you on the rocks. Now going into the lake is out of the question so what do you do? Turn back, of course. That road just got cover with them as well. So you're stuck on this rock and can't go anywhere and the crocs and gaters are trying to get to you...

Lovely isn't it?

On a different note, not going to the doctors tomorrow. No point in going. Just hoping stress is the reason *mumble* Otherwise I might just have a small problem...

Well we have our annual October/Autumn market today in town, not sure I'm going down or not. Not much to look at, getting smaller every year. We'll see what I do.

'til next time
with love
Sammie

Foul day turned good day

So my day didn't start out all that great, in fact it was amongst the *insert bad/odd word* of a day in months tbh. But then I sent a text to a friend of mine, asking what she was up to.
And a short while later, and me starting to do the dishes, she arrived. I'm not sure why but she's one of the few persons that can actually get me in a better mood by just being around me ^^
We spent the day talking, mostly about boys (wow that's soooo unusual when two girls meet, don't ya think?) but about a lot of other things as well, and sitting by our laptops checking for furniture.

The hours, even if at some times it didn't, they past fairly quick, we we're joined for dinner by another friend. And now we ran into a "bump in the road", not going into details but parents can be very unfaithful to their children. And we said goodbye, even if that ruined some of the mood I am in fairly good spirits.
Mostly since I'm looking forward to this weekend ^^

Though I need to ask my dad for another favor, if I want this to work out exactly as I want it to ;)

'til next time
love
Sammie

+ =

Do you think that my laptop was kind enough to let me watch my series?
Answer is; No.

Add that I'm starting to feel a cold I'm not able to dismiss.
Add some stupid comments from people around me
Add worrying for days
Add taking a shower in cold water
Add having to call about stuff concerning your dead mother

And last but not last, add hormones running amok!

= Just how I'm feeling right now

Fruit Basket and Fullmetal Alchemist

I was out walking for almost two hours today, my feet are killing me, but it was really nice.

Bought Fruit Basket, complete series, and FMA ep 1-24 for $29,5 (198kr) YAY! Had I bought them anywhere else I would have been lucky to find either for that price over here.

And I've borrowed seasons 1-5 of Grey's Anatomy - Got loads to watch XD

Though for once I do actually have things that needs to be done probably everyday this week :O

Well I'm crossing my fingers that the DVD player in my laptop will actually work this time XD

'til next time
Sammie

Another update XD

Hiya,
Not sure why I haven’t been writing lately, haven’t been writing anything at all, barely small notes.

Still things that need to be handle when it comes to mothers passing. Not all that happy about taking care of that, tbh.

Got a new appointment with my counselor tomorrow at 15.00, feels good, I think. Still waiting for a response from school, starting to get really nervous about not hearing about or just getting something about I can’t start this time around.

On some positive notes, got an appointment with a doctor from the ‘obesitas unit’ in November, really looking forward to that, and I’m nervous about it as well. Living with obesity is something I’ve done for some time, and frankly I’ve been too lazy to anything about it. One reason I’ve gotten so lazy is my depression, but that’s supposed to be under control so now ‘all’ I have to do is get cracking at working out.
I talked with my cousin, she works at NTC (Norrtälje Träningcenter), I’m meeting up with her sometime this week and, just like anyone else that are thinking about starting working out there, I’ll get a free week to test everything out. I am doing this for three reasons 1. I need to lose 5-10 kg (11-22 pounds) before I can have the surgery 2. I really want a shot at “Beach body 2011” (competition between some friends) and 3. I do enjoy working out, when I have gotten past the first two weeks of it. Though I don’t very much like working out with my friends, I haven’t figured out exactly why yet.
If I have money for it, I’ll complete the exercising with swimming, since I do enjoy that really much and it’s really good for my back.

This should be my last day with any soda, stopped drinking Coca-Cola this Wednesday but I bought ‘Julmust’ (a soft drink we drink around Christmas that they’ve started selling already) and I’m drinking the last of it now. No more sodas, juices or sweet drinks at all. No chips or dip. But I am not cutting the candy away just yet, I don’t eat it that much as it is and it’s nice to have something sweet once in a while.

Now I just have to figure out how to actually eat more than once a day….

Well that’s all for now guys and gals
‘til next time
Sammie

2010-09-28

Haven't been feeling good, at all, today :( I had fun with my girl-friend today, but even though I had fun I felt really odd today. Been feeling odd all day, can't really put words to how I've been feeling, except odd.

Started with some light exercising twice a day, feeling a little sore but that's alright.

Got a couple of things I need to get done tomorrow, a couple of calls, turn in some papers to social services, and go through some more of mothers things. I got some help yesterday to bring up all mothers clothes from the basement, been through half of it, piled up in "Giving away" and "Throwing away" black plastic bags. And then we need to get all her clothes from grandmas place as well.
And then we have all her other stuff... I am not looking forward to doing this, mostly since I could throw everything away. My friend said yesterday, "If I had to do this, I would have been in tears already. I am almost, and I'm not in your position." and I guess if she was in my shoes she would, I on the other hand see no point in it. Then again, there isn't really much point in crying in the first place, yet I do it every now and then.

And now I have to take care of all the other shit my mother left on us. I am just annoyed at her, sure I cried at the funeral, but I think I cried more because I saw just how sad everyone else was. If one starts others will follow, apparently. Don't get me wrong, I miss her, even if those times are very rare right now.

Still waiting for an answer from the school, getting a little nervous about it. Not going so well applying for work, probably because no one wants to hire someone that isn't really interested in working there in the first place. Applying looks good on paper, but when one isn't really all that suited for the job one shouldn't apply.
Not sure what the hell I will be doing if I don't get in to school. Haven't thought all that far yet...

Started second guessing every choice I'm making, have been making for some time, and it's not a good thing to do. I know that, but apparently what I know I should do and what I do are as always two different things...

Well bye for now

//Sam

2010-09-26

So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.

Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.

Night people
//Sam

One of those nights.

Most of the time, right now, I feel fairly great. Especially when I get to be around those that mean most to me. I hadn't met with none of them for a while, I just kinda light up whenever anyone of them are around.

Then there's times like right now, where I really need either one of them but neither is anywhere near me.

I just wish to be hold, just for a little while, and be told that it's going to be alright.

*sigh* in fifth-teen days the funeral will be over and done with, I just feel, empty about it. It's everything else, the people mostly, around it, that is taking all my energy.

Night for now, or at least I hope so.

with love
Sam

Distrust

Any little thing can set me off right now, not only because of everything that has happen no just because something goes a little wrong your life does go on...and being a girl that means that every 28ish day you have even less control over your emotions and I just got there, the days before/after the period is the worse - emotional.
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart. 
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...

Waiting

Waiting is amongst the top of my "What I hate"-list. My beloved cousin is celebrating her 25th birthday today ^^ And I'm supposed to be there sometime after two, that's 50min from now (ca). And I know I'll be there for a few hours, so I don't really want to be the first there, thus I'm walking just to drag out the time. And I'm going by the store to pick up some flowers and a "lotto"ticket or something, so she might win some money since I have no idea what she wants, she didn't tell me anything XD
Um, well now I'm gonna get ready, ya' know brush my teeth and fix my hair....really dragging out the time...

Bye for now
//Sammie