A little something

So it looks like it wasn't the medicine, I do have to contact another doctor to check my blood pressure, EKG and some other things, since me passing out might be a lot of different things.

Oh and I'm so sick of myself lately, when I feel bad instead of say that I'm feeling bad I get angry or upset at the people I want to be around, the ones I want to hug me, hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. And then that little voice in my head gets even worse telling me that none of my "so-called" friends even care about me, that they don't even care what happens to me.
But I know it's not true, that's the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid, I know my friends care. And I know they would come running if I ask, 9/10 times at least, and that's what's keeping me up.
I'm on my fourth day on the medicine, meaning what ever I feel, I feel it so many times more now then I did a couple of days ago. Any feeling is multiplied by 10 or something.
I'm very glad to have a day when I don't really have to do anything, but being alone is taking it's toll. I do need some time alone. But it's hard.

And the thing is, when I feel bad I usually need people around because I know I have a tendency to do something stupid if I am alone. Which also gives people around me the  impression I'm very social, but then the times when I feel better comes around and I need to be alone. It takes so much energy being social, it's one thing being with someone and just be, like being in the same room but not doing anything together nor talking with each other, but being around people takes so much energy. I feel the need to be somewhat happy and when you're not feeling 100 that takes energy. So when I feel better I want to recuperate by being alone, and that's when people think I'm feeling bad.

Don't get me wrong, I like being around people, but not all the time, and especially not when I do actually feel great. Because when I feel great I can write, I can read, and do the things I really love. Okay now that made it even worse. Hmm, maybe I should just stop right there before I dig myself any deeper into this hellhole I've just dug.

Well that's it for now. I'll full-screen my episode of Dark Angel and try not to think to much.
//Sam

Distrust

Any little thing can set me off right now, not only because of everything that has happen no just because something goes a little wrong your life does go on...and being a girl that means that every 28ish day you have even less control over your emotions and I just got there, the days before/after the period is the worse - emotional.
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart. 
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...

Why be that stupid?

They’d walked to meet up with him, they we’re standing by the bus stop; she was leaning against one of the lampposts when he walked of the bus. He said hello and walked towards her to give her a hug when she left her leaning pose, slapped him across the face and started walking away.

“What the hell was that for?” He shouted after her, running up to her. “I haven’t even done anything."
"Tell yourself that enough times and I’m sure you’ll believe it.”
“Wha? Did you trip or something?” She stopped and turned to face him, he noticed she’d been crying and anything could set it off again.
“I thought that we were friends that we could go back to being that. Then what you actually have done hit me, I can’t believe that I’m that stupid, that I was so dumb to let you do what you did. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me something, especially when I acted like I did and made a fool out of myself, since she knew I was wrong, you knew but you didn’t tell me. You let me make a fool out of myself in front of her, in front of our friends. I-I…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now.” She kissed his cheek, the one she hadn’t hit, before walking past him and leaving.

‘Why did I do that?’ She kept asking herself; ‘Because you needed to.’ She answered herself. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? He had lied, made her look like an idiot in front of the person she thought she’d ‘won’ over and possible their friends as well. Going back to being friends had been a great idea, but the best had been to make it all go away.

“Not fair to either of us.” His words echoed in her mind, what had he really meant with that. She knew it wasn’t really fair to her, she loved him and he didn’t love her back but she’d been with him either way. He made her feel great, he made her happy for the first time in very long time, she’d been with him since she thought that even if he doesn’t love her like she loves him he wouldn’t hurt her – more than she was hurting of it already that is. But she’s been wrong about him before and now she was again. What had he meant that it wasn’t fair to him either? Why would being with someone that loves you that just wants to please you not be fair to him? She’d been to ‘closed off’ to actually ask him that, when they’d talked. She’d been to ‘off’ to even realize that he had been with someone he said he dislike not just once, not twice, and she’d been too stupid to realize that of course he wasn’t just with her during that eleven months, why would he? It’s not like they were a couple, because they weren’t so why did that hurt? Why did it surprise her that it had happened more than once? Because she believed he… Now the tears ran down her cheeks, yet again. The thoughts had begun when she was about to go to sleep the night before, his words echoed in her mind and she started thinking back. Then it hit her, one of these other times he hadn’t been with her for some time and now she finally knew why, he’d been with that bitch. The two-faced bitch. And suddenly so many things made sense.

The gift she’d given her, the ‘concern’ they’d shown here. It fit. She’d been had. By her best friend and a girl she thought he loathed.

Now even the complains from him made even more sense. The days he’d been happier made sense.

The sentence ‘Love makes you blind’, yes that it had made her. Blind to the obvious things around her.