I know we didn’t see eye to eye
I know we both said stupid and mean things about the other
I know you were sick
You knew how sick I had become
I pretend you didn’t mean so much to me
I pretend like there’s no reason for me to cry
I even convinced myself that it didn’t affect me
But it’s not true, I miss you so damn much
I cry, because you’re not here anymore
I can never see you again
Never tell you that you did mean the world to me
That I will always love you
Mum I really miss you
Oct 6, 2010
Nightmares and worries
I've been having this nightmare about alligators and crocodiles now and then for a couple of years and it's seriously messing me up every time.
It's always at the same place, same time of the year and the same time of the day I meet this lake of crocs and gaters. Though the reason for being there are always different, this time it was some kind of candystore, and we were a bunch of people that had won a contest at our work (this candystore) and we're supposed to have this contest to get a 'ultimate winner', kind of assault course, first we run through a giant house (that house is always in this dream) out the back, up a hill, through a forest and this is where we get to the lake. At fist it looks just like any other lake, meaning it looked pretty dark and the moon was reflecting on the surface.
We have to do this; 1. Climb these rocks 2. swim to the other side and 3. Climb the rocks at the other side. Easy enough, right?
Well you get up the rocks and then your eyes see something moving in the water, not anything small either, no this is where the gaters and crocs come in. At first there's like just a few but more and more surface from the lake. Trying to attack you on the rocks. Now going into the lake is out of the question so what do you do? Turn back, of course. That road just got cover with them as well. So you're stuck on this rock and can't go anywhere and the crocs and gaters are trying to get to you...
Lovely isn't it?
On a different note, not going to the doctors tomorrow. No point in going. Just hoping stress is the reason *mumble* Otherwise I might just have a small problem...
Well we have our annual October/Autumn market today in town, not sure I'm going down or not. Not much to look at, getting smaller every year. We'll see what I do.
'til next time
with love
Sammie
It's always at the same place, same time of the year and the same time of the day I meet this lake of crocs and gaters. Though the reason for being there are always different, this time it was some kind of candystore, and we were a bunch of people that had won a contest at our work (this candystore) and we're supposed to have this contest to get a 'ultimate winner', kind of assault course, first we run through a giant house (that house is always in this dream) out the back, up a hill, through a forest and this is where we get to the lake. At fist it looks just like any other lake, meaning it looked pretty dark and the moon was reflecting on the surface.
We have to do this; 1. Climb these rocks 2. swim to the other side and 3. Climb the rocks at the other side. Easy enough, right?
Well you get up the rocks and then your eyes see something moving in the water, not anything small either, no this is where the gaters and crocs come in. At first there's like just a few but more and more surface from the lake. Trying to attack you on the rocks. Now going into the lake is out of the question so what do you do? Turn back, of course. That road just got cover with them as well. So you're stuck on this rock and can't go anywhere and the crocs and gaters are trying to get to you...
Lovely isn't it?
On a different note, not going to the doctors tomorrow. No point in going. Just hoping stress is the reason *mumble* Otherwise I might just have a small problem...
Well we have our annual October/Autumn market today in town, not sure I'm going down or not. Not much to look at, getting smaller every year. We'll see what I do.
'til next time
with love
Sammie
Oct 5, 2010
Foul day turned good day
So my day didn't start out all that great, in fact it was amongst the *insert bad/odd word* of a day in months tbh. But then I sent a text to a friend of mine, asking what she was up to.
And a short while later, and me starting to do the dishes, she arrived. I'm not sure why but she's one of the few persons that can actually get me in a better mood by just being around me ^^
We spent the day talking, mostly about boys (wow that's soooo unusual when two girls meet, don't ya think?) but about a lot of other things as well, and sitting by our laptops checking for furniture.
The hours, even if at some times it didn't, they past fairly quick, we we're joined for dinner by another friend. And now we ran into a "bump in the road", not going into details but parents can be very unfaithful to their children. And we said goodbye, even if that ruined some of the mood I am in fairly good spirits.
Mostly since I'm looking forward to this weekend ^^
Though I need to ask my dad for another favor, if I want this to work out exactly as I want it to ;)
'til next time
love
Sammie
And a short while later, and me starting to do the dishes, she arrived. I'm not sure why but she's one of the few persons that can actually get me in a better mood by just being around me ^^
We spent the day talking, mostly about boys (wow that's soooo unusual when two girls meet, don't ya think?) but about a lot of other things as well, and sitting by our laptops checking for furniture.
The hours, even if at some times it didn't, they past fairly quick, we we're joined for dinner by another friend. And now we ran into a "bump in the road", not going into details but parents can be very unfaithful to their children. And we said goodbye, even if that ruined some of the mood I am in fairly good spirits.
Mostly since I'm looking forward to this weekend ^^
Though I need to ask my dad for another favor, if I want this to work out exactly as I want it to ;)
'til next time
love
Sammie
Oct 4, 2010
+ =
Do you think that my laptop was kind enough to let me watch my series?
Answer is; No.
Add that I'm starting to feel a cold I'm not able to dismiss.
Add some stupid comments from people around me
Add worrying for days
Add taking a shower in cold water
Add having to call about stuff concerning your dead mother
And last but not last, add hormones running amok!
= Just how I'm feeling right now
Answer is; No.
Add that I'm starting to feel a cold I'm not able to dismiss.
Add some stupid comments from people around me
Add worrying for days
Add taking a shower in cold water
Add having to call about stuff concerning your dead mother
And last but not last, add hormones running amok!
= Just how I'm feeling right now
Oct 3, 2010
Fruit Basket and Fullmetal Alchemist
I was out walking for almost two hours today, my feet are killing me, but it was really nice.
Bought Fruit Basket, complete series, and FMA ep 1-24 for $29,5 (198kr) YAY! Had I bought them anywhere else I would have been lucky to find either for that price over here.
And I've borrowed seasons 1-5 of Grey's Anatomy - Got loads to watch XD
Though for once I do actually have things that needs to be done probably everyday this week :O
Well I'm crossing my fingers that the DVD player in my laptop will actually work this time XD
'til next time
Sammie
Bought Fruit Basket, complete series, and FMA ep 1-24 for $29,5 (198kr) YAY! Had I bought them anywhere else I would have been lucky to find either for that price over here.
And I've borrowed seasons 1-5 of Grey's Anatomy - Got loads to watch XD
Though for once I do actually have things that needs to be done probably everyday this week :O
Well I'm crossing my fingers that the DVD player in my laptop will actually work this time XD
'til next time
Sammie
Another update XD
Hiya,
Not sure why I haven’t been writing lately, haven’t been writing anything at all, barely small notes.
Still things that need to be handle when it comes to mothers passing. Not all that happy about taking care of that, tbh.
Got a new appointment with my counselor tomorrow at 15.00, feels good, I think. Still waiting for a response from school, starting to get really nervous about not hearing about or just getting something about I can’t start this time around.
On some positive notes, got an appointment with a doctor from the ‘obesitas unit’ in November, really looking forward to that, and I’m nervous about it as well. Living with obesity is something I’ve done for some time, and frankly I’ve been too lazy to anything about it. One reason I’ve gotten so lazy is my depression, but that’s supposed to be under control so now ‘all’ I have to do is get cracking at working out.
I talked with my cousin, she works at NTC (Norrtälje Träningcenter), I’m meeting up with her sometime this week and, just like anyone else that are thinking about starting working out there, I’ll get a free week to test everything out. I am doing this for three reasons 1. I need to lose 5-10 kg (11-22 pounds) before I can have the surgery 2. I really want a shot at “Beach body 2011” (competition between some friends) and 3. I do enjoy working out, when I have gotten past the first two weeks of it. Though I don’t very much like working out with my friends, I haven’t figured out exactly why yet.
If I have money for it, I’ll complete the exercising with swimming, since I do enjoy that really much and it’s really good for my back.
This should be my last day with any soda, stopped drinking Coca-Cola this Wednesday but I bought ‘Julmust’ (a soft drink we drink around Christmas that they’ve started selling already) and I’m drinking the last of it now. No more sodas, juices or sweet drinks at all. No chips or dip. But I am not cutting the candy away just yet, I don’t eat it that much as it is and it’s nice to have something sweet once in a while.
Now I just have to figure out how to actually eat more than once a day….
Well that’s all for now guys and gals
‘til next time
Sammie
Not sure why I haven’t been writing lately, haven’t been writing anything at all, barely small notes.
Still things that need to be handle when it comes to mothers passing. Not all that happy about taking care of that, tbh.
Got a new appointment with my counselor tomorrow at 15.00, feels good, I think. Still waiting for a response from school, starting to get really nervous about not hearing about or just getting something about I can’t start this time around.
On some positive notes, got an appointment with a doctor from the ‘obesitas unit’ in November, really looking forward to that, and I’m nervous about it as well. Living with obesity is something I’ve done for some time, and frankly I’ve been too lazy to anything about it. One reason I’ve gotten so lazy is my depression, but that’s supposed to be under control so now ‘all’ I have to do is get cracking at working out.
I talked with my cousin, she works at NTC (Norrtälje Träningcenter), I’m meeting up with her sometime this week and, just like anyone else that are thinking about starting working out there, I’ll get a free week to test everything out. I am doing this for three reasons 1. I need to lose 5-10 kg (11-22 pounds) before I can have the surgery 2. I really want a shot at “Beach body 2011” (competition between some friends) and 3. I do enjoy working out, when I have gotten past the first two weeks of it. Though I don’t very much like working out with my friends, I haven’t figured out exactly why yet.
If I have money for it, I’ll complete the exercising with swimming, since I do enjoy that really much and it’s really good for my back.
This should be my last day with any soda, stopped drinking Coca-Cola this Wednesday but I bought ‘Julmust’ (a soft drink we drink around Christmas that they’ve started selling already) and I’m drinking the last of it now. No more sodas, juices or sweet drinks at all. No chips or dip. But I am not cutting the candy away just yet, I don’t eat it that much as it is and it’s nice to have something sweet once in a while.
Now I just have to figure out how to actually eat more than once a day….
Well that’s all for now guys and gals
‘til next time
Sammie
Sep 28, 2010
2010-09-28
Haven't been feeling good, at all, today :( I had fun with my girl-friend today, but even though I had fun I felt really odd today. Been feeling odd all day, can't really put words to how I've been feeling, except odd.
Started with some light exercising twice a day, feeling a little sore but that's alright.
Got a couple of things I need to get done tomorrow, a couple of calls, turn in some papers to social services, and go through some more of mothers things. I got some help yesterday to bring up all mothers clothes from the basement, been through half of it, piled up in "Giving away" and "Throwing away" black plastic bags. And then we need to get all her clothes from grandmas place as well.
And then we have all her other stuff... I am not looking forward to doing this, mostly since I could throw everything away. My friend said yesterday, "If I had to do this, I would have been in tears already. I am almost, and I'm not in your position." and I guess if she was in my shoes she would, I on the other hand see no point in it. Then again, there isn't really much point in crying in the first place, yet I do it every now and then.
And now I have to take care of all the other shit my mother left on us. I am just annoyed at her, sure I cried at the funeral, but I think I cried more because I saw just how sad everyone else was. If one starts others will follow, apparently. Don't get me wrong, I miss her, even if those times are very rare right now.
Still waiting for an answer from the school, getting a little nervous about it. Not going so well applying for work, probably because no one wants to hire someone that isn't really interested in working there in the first place. Applying looks good on paper, but when one isn't really all that suited for the job one shouldn't apply.
Not sure what the hell I will be doing if I don't get in to school. Haven't thought all that far yet...
Started second guessing every choice I'm making, have been making for some time, and it's not a good thing to do. I know that, but apparently what I know I should do and what I do are as always two different things...
Well bye for now
//Sam
Started with some light exercising twice a day, feeling a little sore but that's alright.
Got a couple of things I need to get done tomorrow, a couple of calls, turn in some papers to social services, and go through some more of mothers things. I got some help yesterday to bring up all mothers clothes from the basement, been through half of it, piled up in "Giving away" and "Throwing away" black plastic bags. And then we need to get all her clothes from grandmas place as well.
And then we have all her other stuff... I am not looking forward to doing this, mostly since I could throw everything away. My friend said yesterday, "If I had to do this, I would have been in tears already. I am almost, and I'm not in your position." and I guess if she was in my shoes she would, I on the other hand see no point in it. Then again, there isn't really much point in crying in the first place, yet I do it every now and then.
And now I have to take care of all the other shit my mother left on us. I am just annoyed at her, sure I cried at the funeral, but I think I cried more because I saw just how sad everyone else was. If one starts others will follow, apparently. Don't get me wrong, I miss her, even if those times are very rare right now.
Still waiting for an answer from the school, getting a little nervous about it. Not going so well applying for work, probably because no one wants to hire someone that isn't really interested in working there in the first place. Applying looks good on paper, but when one isn't really all that suited for the job one shouldn't apply.
Not sure what the hell I will be doing if I don't get in to school. Haven't thought all that far yet...
Started second guessing every choice I'm making, have been making for some time, and it's not a good thing to do. I know that, but apparently what I know I should do and what I do are as always two different things...
Well bye for now
//Sam
Sep 26, 2010
2010-09-26
So, the funeral was two days ago, I was very happy to have my friend there. I'm very glad he actually took time to be there, he was the only one I really needed to be with me. - Had coffee with grandma (my fathers side) after it, with my brother and his girlfriend. After saying goodbye to grandma we met up with our cousin and his girlfriend and went to our grandmas place and had some cookies and sodas with her.
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.
Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.
Night people
//Sam
When we got home, we where very happy to get out of our shoes, "These boots where not meant for walking" was the line coming from both me, my brother and our cousin.
Also very nice to get into a little more comfy-ier (?) clothes, then I got picked up to go to my friends place.
Stayed at my friends place til today, took the bus home around two. Should have spent today outside, it was a very nice autumn day, but I just stayed inside, doing nothing. Doing nothing apparently takes time.
Now I'm watching some more comedy central, will go to sleep in a bit I hope.
Night people
//Sam
Sep 8, 2010
One of those nights.
Most of the time, right now, I feel fairly great. Especially when I get to be around those that mean most to me. I hadn't met with none of them for a while, I just kinda light up whenever anyone of them are around.
Then there's times like right now, where I really need either one of them but neither is anywhere near me.
I just wish to be hold, just for a little while, and be told that it's going to be alright.
*sigh* in fifth-teen days the funeral will be over and done with, I just feel, empty about it. It's everything else, the people mostly, around it, that is taking all my energy.
Night for now, or at least I hope so.
with love
Sam
Then there's times like right now, where I really need either one of them but neither is anywhere near me.
I just wish to be hold, just for a little while, and be told that it's going to be alright.
*sigh* in fifth-teen days the funeral will be over and done with, I just feel, empty about it. It's everything else, the people mostly, around it, that is taking all my energy.
Night for now, or at least I hope so.
with love
Sam
Sep 5, 2010
Distrust
Any little thing can set me off right now, not only because of everything that has happen no just because something goes a little wrong your life does go on...and being a girl that means that every 28ish day you have even less control over your emotions and I just got there, the days before/after the period is the worse - emotional.
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart.
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...
I know that I'm not supposed to know everything, and I know that I need to figure things out and that things will be okay. But even if I know that, right now I feel so helpless. I have little to none energy to focus on what I need to do. And the uncertainty about the soon future (the next couple of weeks/months) is slowly tearing me apart.
Not knowing where I am going to live, if I even have a place is the thing that's tearing the most. Mostly since even if I do get my own place, I know that I can't live alone. I know I can survive some time alone, but I am afraid of what I might do if there's no one around. I hate that I don't even trust myself to be alone. - I know I don't do anything if I know there's someone coming, doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours later, but if there's no one coming in days, I'm fairly sure I will do something stupid. And I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to believe that the person I was then is gone, but I'm so afraid that she's not that I can't trust myself.
I'm not sure how much everyone else trust themselves but I doubt that anyone in their right mind distrust themselves as much as I do.
Then again knowing about this is a big step in getting better...
Sep 4, 2010
Waiting
Waiting is amongst the top of my "What I hate"-list. My beloved cousin is celebrating her 25th birthday today ^^ And I'm supposed to be there sometime after two, that's 50min from now (ca). And I know I'll be there for a few hours, so I don't really want to be the first there, thus I'm walking just to drag out the time. And I'm going by the store to pick up some flowers and a "lotto"ticket or something, so she might win some money since I have no idea what she wants, she didn't tell me anything XD
Um, well now I'm gonna get ready, ya' know brush my teeth and fix my hair....really dragging out the time...
Bye for now
//Sammie
Um, well now I'm gonna get ready, ya' know brush my teeth and fix my hair....really dragging out the time...
Bye for now
//Sammie
Aug 31, 2010
Happy birthday to me ;)
So today is my birthday, yay for being one year older...Not that I feel much of a difference from yesterday, tbh.
Has Cherry over for a visit today, met her around one and she left just after five. Was really nice meeting her again, missed her a lot!!
Then my dad, my stepmum and my brother visit (two of them was already here), had some coffee. Was really nice.
Have mailed the funeral home, with the add, decided on the verse "Så länge vi minns, lever du." "As long as we remember, you live" (okay maybe not the best translation other xD).
Tomorrow
Another thing, Star Wars; The clone wars, so far a nice series =) Will post a better review later :)
Has Cherry over for a visit today, met her around one and she left just after five. Was really nice meeting her again, missed her a lot!!
Then my dad, my stepmum and my brother visit (two of them was already here), had some coffee. Was really nice.
Have mailed the funeral home, with the add, decided on the verse "Så länge vi minns, lever du." "As long as we remember, you live" (okay maybe not the best translation other xD).
Tomorrow
- Call socialservices
- Order flowers
- Book the hair-dresser
- Buy shoes
- Look for black clothes
Another thing, Star Wars; The clone wars, so far a nice series =) Will post a better review later :)
Aug 30, 2010
Blargh
*sigh* One week since she died and tomorrow is my birthday...urgh...I just...blargh, 24th of September at 13:30 the funeral will be held. I just wished it all could be over. I know it takes time, I know there's a lot of other things that needs to be done and I know some of the things won't be finished until much later...
Through dream came reality
Back to the funeral directors in a bit...
Dreamed of her last night, or rather I never saw her in my dream but people talked about her, I was looking for her. She left clues all over this city I was in, but I just couldn't find her. Where ever I went I was met with someone that just met her, they told me a story about them and her, but I never managed to catch her...
She spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospital, which makes it all even more difficult to process, my mind goes "Well she's still in the hospital, she's gonna have grandma call any day now to tell you she wants you to come in..." Then I remind myself, she's not here anymore, she left, she died. "You where there, you saw her lifeless body, you touched the cold hands of your dead mother."
....
Dreamed of her last night, or rather I never saw her in my dream but people talked about her, I was looking for her. She left clues all over this city I was in, but I just couldn't find her. Where ever I went I was met with someone that just met her, they told me a story about them and her, but I never managed to catch her...
She spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospital, which makes it all even more difficult to process, my mind goes "Well she's still in the hospital, she's gonna have grandma call any day now to tell you she wants you to come in..." Then I remind myself, she's not here anymore, she left, she died. "You where there, you saw her lifeless body, you touched the cold hands of your dead mother."
....
Aug 26, 2010
2010 08 26
It is sad, when someone we love dies...
You see, there's a little part of you,
that they take with them, when they go.
Then remember, there will always be a part of them,
still there, with you.
~ Sandra Nordqvist Åström 2010-08-26
You see, there's a little part of you,
that they take with them, when they go.
Then remember, there will always be a part of them,
still there, with you.
~ Sandra Nordqvist Åström 2010-08-26
Aug 25, 2010
Empty
Yesterday just kind of past, today on the other hand feels like it's never going to end. Doesn't really feel much right now. Just kind of empty. Tired and empty.
Going to my friend in a bit, sleeping away from home will make me rest a little or at least I hope so.
Looking forward to Saturday =) A lot of my friends and family are coming.
Not so much looking forward to tomorrow, we're going to the funeral directors (or whatever they're called). Probably going to have some more answers but still...
Well bye for now
//Sammie
Going to my friend in a bit, sleeping away from home will make me rest a little or at least I hope so.
Looking forward to Saturday =) A lot of my friends and family are coming.
Not so much looking forward to tomorrow, we're going to the funeral directors (or whatever they're called). Probably going to have some more answers but still...
Well bye for now
//Sammie
Aug 23, 2010
2010 08 23 R.I.P
06:09 – My phone rings. Even before I answer I somewhat knew what it was about. The nurse told me that we needed to be prepared. It was really bad.
06:12 – My uncle calls to tell me he’s coming to pick us up.
06:24 – My uncle and grandmother arrives, the longest twelve minute of my life has just past.
~08:00 – We arrived at the hospital, NICU (NIVA is the sort one in Swe). The nurse tells us to wait a little while before we can go inside to see mum.
08:15-11:00 – We got to see mother. Talked to the doctor, whom explained what they had done. That they’d done whatever they could think of. The bleeding in the brain had put too much pressure in there so they had to operate, since the meds didn’t do anything. The operation didn’t relieve any of the pressure either. When the bleeding started, if I got this correctly, she had a seizure that slipped her in to a coma; a coma which she never would wake up from.
~11:00 – We get called in to her room, her pulse dropped below 40, thus meaning it shouldn’t be long now.
~11:16 – Her heart had stopped beating. My mother was now, in the medical term, deceased.
11:30 – We left the hospital to return home…
I had to call my aunt, my dad’s sister and one of my mother’s closest friends, on her birthday to say that mother was dead. That was and will probably be the hardest call I had to make.
Of all the calls I’ve made today, the one that upset me the most where the one I mad to my best friend. I know he was working, that he was busy and all that shit, but pretty much saying I was a pain in the ass for wanting him close to me when I got back home was probably the most annoying and upsetting part of the day.
My mother’s death is upsetting, of course it is, and that’s what’s to be expected. But that call got me even worse.
I hope he didn’t mean it,…..and now I made it just way worse by sending a stupid text: "Didn't want to bother you with another call earlier, she's dead, died around 11.15. If you can manage to can you please make some time for your suppossed friend that's grieving and could use a gamiliar face to make her think about something else for a sec, tomorrow? Or is that to much of a pain for you?/Sam"
Why the hell must I always make it worse!? Fuck….
Not sure what will happen tomorrow, just know that in a few days the things can’t wait any longer…
06:12 – My uncle calls to tell me he’s coming to pick us up.
06:24 – My uncle and grandmother arrives, the longest twelve minute of my life has just past.
~08:00 – We arrived at the hospital, NICU (NIVA is the sort one in Swe). The nurse tells us to wait a little while before we can go inside to see mum.
08:15-11:00 – We got to see mother. Talked to the doctor, whom explained what they had done. That they’d done whatever they could think of. The bleeding in the brain had put too much pressure in there so they had to operate, since the meds didn’t do anything. The operation didn’t relieve any of the pressure either. When the bleeding started, if I got this correctly, she had a seizure that slipped her in to a coma; a coma which she never would wake up from.
~11:00 – We get called in to her room, her pulse dropped below 40, thus meaning it shouldn’t be long now.
~11:16 – Her heart had stopped beating. My mother was now, in the medical term, deceased.
11:30 – We left the hospital to return home…
I had to call my aunt, my dad’s sister and one of my mother’s closest friends, on her birthday to say that mother was dead. That was and will probably be the hardest call I had to make.
Of all the calls I’ve made today, the one that upset me the most where the one I mad to my best friend. I know he was working, that he was busy and all that shit, but pretty much saying I was a pain in the ass for wanting him close to me when I got back home was probably the most annoying and upsetting part of the day.
My mother’s death is upsetting, of course it is, and that’s what’s to be expected. But that call got me even worse.
I hope he didn’t mean it,…..and now I made it just way worse by sending a stupid text: "Didn't want to bother you with another call earlier, she's dead, died around 11.15. If you can manage to can you please make some time for your suppossed friend that's grieving and could use a gamiliar face to make her think about something else for a sec, tomorrow? Or is that to much of a pain for you?/Sam"
Why the hell must I always make it worse!? Fuck….
Not sure what will happen tomorrow, just know that in a few days the things can’t wait any longer…
Aug 21, 2010
Voting
I’ve realized that I have been a little short on the ‘opinions of things in the world’, thought I would be more focus on that then I have but //shurgs// things happen I guess.
In less than a month we have election here in Sweden, and I seriously have no idea how I’m voting. I thought I had a little more information about the parties, but my mind as been occupied by other things it seems. One thing I do believe is that if you don’t vote – You have no right, or rather I don’t think you have deserved the right to complain about how things are if you haven’t even cast your vote. I mean of course people that are too young to vote, or were when the election took place sure complain but if you are of age and are allowed to but decide not to vote I don’t think you have a right to complain. Maybe that’s just me but that’s what I think.
So we have two wings, like always the left and the right and then we have the middle parties those that have a little of both but not enough of neither to actually fit properly in to one wing, and of course there’s not just a couple of parties to choose from, from either wing either. No, and to actually make an educated decision, one should look them all up. So that is my plan for now, looking them up. Probably not going to have looked them all up completely but should be able to make a good decision from the information I’ll gather.
I do have some ideas what most of them are about, and frankly there’s a few that have a few plus points already. There’s one party that has a great plan concerning school policy, though there’s a lot of other things I disagree with them about. So then it’s down to counting pros and cons.
A friend and I said some time ago that we should start our own party, disregarding wings and just focus on what we want to make better. And frankly both wings have great points, though on completely different notes.
Could I vote on a party that has a great notion for schools but goes against my ethical views? Could I possible live with that? I think that’s the big decision can you vote for a party with many notions/ideas that you agree on but one major notion that goes against pretty much everything you stand for/believes in?
So I guess this turned out to be more questions than actual opinions, or questions are a part of opinions are they not?
In less than a month we have election here in Sweden, and I seriously have no idea how I’m voting. I thought I had a little more information about the parties, but my mind as been occupied by other things it seems. One thing I do believe is that if you don’t vote – You have no right, or rather I don’t think you have deserved the right to complain about how things are if you haven’t even cast your vote. I mean of course people that are too young to vote, or were when the election took place sure complain but if you are of age and are allowed to but decide not to vote I don’t think you have a right to complain. Maybe that’s just me but that’s what I think.
So we have two wings, like always the left and the right and then we have the middle parties those that have a little of both but not enough of neither to actually fit properly in to one wing, and of course there’s not just a couple of parties to choose from, from either wing either. No, and to actually make an educated decision, one should look them all up. So that is my plan for now, looking them up. Probably not going to have looked them all up completely but should be able to make a good decision from the information I’ll gather.
I do have some ideas what most of them are about, and frankly there’s a few that have a few plus points already. There’s one party that has a great plan concerning school policy, though there’s a lot of other things I disagree with them about. So then it’s down to counting pros and cons.
A friend and I said some time ago that we should start our own party, disregarding wings and just focus on what we want to make better. And frankly both wings have great points, though on completely different notes.
Could I vote on a party that has a great notion for schools but goes against my ethical views? Could I possible live with that? I think that’s the big decision can you vote for a party with many notions/ideas that you agree on but one major notion that goes against pretty much everything you stand for/believes in?
So I guess this turned out to be more questions than actual opinions, or questions are a part of opinions are they not?
Aug 16, 2010
Why be that stupid?
They’d walked to meet up with him, they we’re standing by the bus stop; she was leaning against one of the lampposts when he walked of the bus. He said hello and walked towards her to give her a hug when she left her leaning pose, slapped him across the face and started walking away.
“What the hell was that for?” He shouted after her, running up to her. “I haven’t even done anything."
"Tell yourself that enough times and I’m sure you’ll believe it.”
“Wha? Did you trip or something?” She stopped and turned to face him, he noticed she’d been crying and anything could set it off again.
“I thought that we were friends that we could go back to being that. Then what you actually have done hit me, I can’t believe that I’m that stupid, that I was so dumb to let you do what you did. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me something, especially when I acted like I did and made a fool out of myself, since she knew I was wrong, you knew but you didn’t tell me. You let me make a fool out of myself in front of her, in front of our friends. I-I…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now.” She kissed his cheek, the one she hadn’t hit, before walking past him and leaving.
"Tell yourself that enough times and I’m sure you’ll believe it.”
“Wha? Did you trip or something?” She stopped and turned to face him, he noticed she’d been crying and anything could set it off again.
“I thought that we were friends that we could go back to being that. Then what you actually have done hit me, I can’t believe that I’m that stupid, that I was so dumb to let you do what you did. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me something, especially when I acted like I did and made a fool out of myself, since she knew I was wrong, you knew but you didn’t tell me. You let me make a fool out of myself in front of her, in front of our friends. I-I…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now.” She kissed his cheek, the one she hadn’t hit, before walking past him and leaving.
‘Why did I do that?’ She kept asking herself; ‘Because you needed to.’ She answered herself. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? He had lied, made her look like an idiot in front of the person she thought she’d ‘won’ over and possible their friends as well. Going back to being friends had been a great idea, but the best had been to make it all go away.
“Not fair to either of us.” His words echoed in her mind, what had he really meant with that. She knew it wasn’t really fair to her, she loved him and he didn’t love her back but she’d been with him either way. He made her feel great, he made her happy for the first time in very long time, she’d been with him since she thought that even if he doesn’t love her like she loves him he wouldn’t hurt her – more than she was hurting of it already that is. But she’s been wrong about him before and now she was again. What had he meant that it wasn’t fair to him either? Why would being with someone that loves you that just wants to please you not be fair to him? She’d been to ‘closed off’ to actually ask him that, when they’d talked. She’d been to ‘off’ to even realize that he had been with someone he said he dislike not just once, not twice, and she’d been too stupid to realize that of course he wasn’t just with her during that eleven months, why would he? It’s not like they were a couple, because they weren’t so why did that hurt? Why did it surprise her that it had happened more than once? Because she believed he… Now the tears ran down her cheeks, yet again. The thoughts had begun when she was about to go to sleep the night before, his words echoed in her mind and she started thinking back. Then it hit her, one of these other times he hadn’t been with her for some time and now she finally knew why, he’d been with that bitch. The two-faced bitch. And suddenly so many things made sense.
The gift she’d given her, the ‘concern’ they’d shown here. It fit. She’d been had. By her best friend and a girl she thought he loathed.
Now even the complains from him made even more sense. The days he’d been happier made sense.
The sentence ‘Love makes you blind’, yes that it had made her. Blind to the obvious things around her.
Aug 11, 2010
11/08
Yay for being sick! NOT! blargh! I have energy to do stuff, but since I get coughing fits when ever I do anything then sit still it's a little hard.
But at least I don't have a migraine also, like my brother. Lost a lot of sleep because of the cough. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Anna, need to do two things before that. - Now one of them are done...
Any remedy for cough? That costs me, nothing? Got very limited money funds, as usual, but I can't afford anything since I have to buy a collar to Miriam. Not sure how the f**k I'm gonna buy it when I can't go outside >.<
But at least I don't have a migraine also, like my brother. Lost a lot of sleep because of the cough. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Anna, need to do two things before that. - Now one of them are done...
Any remedy for cough? That costs me, nothing? Got very limited money funds, as usual, but I can't afford anything since I have to buy a collar to Miriam. Not sure how the f**k I'm gonna buy it when I can't go outside >.<
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