In school waiting also LONDON!

Hello,

I am currently in school waiting for the clock to strike two so I can have my first test for the course I am currently on which I can't find the english word for at the moment, though a rough translation would probably be business law.
My class ended at twelve...two hours to kill, well 50-ish minutes left now.

On a diffrent note, on the 1st of August I will be traveling to London with a couple of friends. I amreally looking forward to it :) We'll be staying til the 4th of August, so a "long"weekend. So if you have a recomendation on somehting I should see, try or such in London let me know.

After my test I will be going down town to pass some time before our "boardmeeting" - Also I really need to learn the English words things I am involved in.

Going well in school, C's and B's so far on my courses. Even scored myself an A on the powerpoint assignment.

Been sick a lot lately, which sadly have hurt me more with my anxiety BUT I got it under control and I have people to turn to for help when I need it - also know when I need it :)

I am sorry if this post has a lot of errors in it, but I have to use internet explorer and there's no spell check that actually works >_<

Well then...this kill a whole...five mintes of my time...gah!

Til next time
stay safe
with love
Sam

Guess what?

No actually nothing is wrong :jaws drops:

So just thought I would write a line or two about what's going on right now, I am currently going to school to become...erm... :googles the translation: accounting clerk - It sounds so extremely boring, especially in English. Will be done in the end of September, last 6-8 weeks will be work placement.
So far it's going well for me in school, though as stated before I don't particular like the "new" grade system since it was going for universal and failed after applying the letters E-A, C's so far on the courses and a couple of B's on the tests :happypanda:

Next week I will no longer have any debts (except one to a friend), I'll order a new desk, desk-chair and a screen - since the one I am currently using is technically an old flat screen TV and not a proper computer screen.

Going away every weekend, starting Friday, til third weekend in April, birthdays, conference, convention and just ordinary meeting up with peeps things.

Yeah, so things are good. Even when I have bad days, which come once in a while, or when I am sick I feel alright even good. It's a bit scary at times but overall I really approve and like feeling like this.

'til next time
Be safe
Sam

So mostly good things ahead

Hi to whom ever reads these,

I have finished two of my courses for this education, "C" on both of them, though I think it's more along the lines of the general "B" in the rest of the world - because Sweden can't use the same system through out, no lets just use the letters in the grade system and not the actual grading like the rest of the world >_< - Moving on from the rant.
So yay I have been doing good in school, even though I have been sick so darn much.

Also apparently my Nexplanon implant as this lovely side-effect of the flue, so I am not entirely sure when I have actually have had the flue and when it's been the side-effects. And for other reasons I might be taking it out, not really working for me.

Something else nice, I am really enjoying being in the board of the tenant-owner's association, even if it's a lot of work sometimes. I am attending different and interesting courses, I am going on a conference in April which I am really looking forward to. It's going to be held at Viltmarkshotellet, at Kolmården, I have never been to Kolmården (an animalpark) and I will get the chance when I am there :)

Also going to Gothcon in Göteborg over Easter, 28-31/3, which also means I get to spend time with my brother and finally gets to see how they live.

On Friday my partners family is coming over, to celebrate his birthday - which is next week, so I baked some cinnamon buns and some pastry custard ones.

And next weekend the "gang" is coming over, really looking forward to that.
I also have a  test next week, will study some more for it and should at least pass it.

With that I will take my leave,
take care
Sam

Mum

Hello

Felt the need to write a bit, was home over the weekend. Had a good time over all, but today was less good though. 

I had trouble sleeping, probably because I have gotten so used to sleeping at home but also because I had decided with grandma that we would go to the cemetery today. And we did, it was four years ago since I was there last, meaning I hadn't visit even ONCE since mum passed away. 

It wasn't as tiring as I thought, at first, but once I got on the train back home I was watching "Fringe" and the main characters mother figure dies and since then I have felt...I am not sure. Mainly I just want to cry, I've kept seeing the image of my mother when they declared her dead over and over in my head. 

It's almost two and a half year since she passed away. . . 

I'm sad I rarely have anything fun to share when I feel the need to write. Though over all my life is really going well right now, I am doing good in school, I am living with the man I love, I spend time with people I care for and that care for me. Over all I am good and happy just had a less good day today. 

Hopefully I can spare some time and share more of the good stuff next time, but just wanted that small part out now.

'til next time

Stay safe

Sam

Today 121012

Fall

I got in! Hehe, I knew the possibility of not getting in was very low but still it's me I still have the tendency to look at the negative. Though I am getting better at looking at the positive in things, but you know old habits die hard and all that jazz.

I'm typing his while waiting for my meeting with my social secretary, it feels a bit strange today.

Will be getting my ID today and get our tickets for the concert, Iron Maiden in June. 

So I know why it feels strange, I'm happy. I, in general, feel satisfied which a "strange" feeling since I haven't experienced it all that much. 

It's autumn now, meaning its really beautiful outside which just adds to my happiness. Despite the sad things that has happened during this "season" in the past I still adore it. 

After this month I will have finished a couple of my debts, yet another big step in the right direction. 

In little over a month I will be starting school, 40 weeks and I should have an education that actually qualifies me for different jobs, so in a year I could be working. 

I need another word for strange.

It feels, odd (?) to have things fall in place, I know I've worked a lot to get here and that I have had my mishaps and those things have changed me- not always for the better, but it has changed me. And over all I am happy with who I am today, sure there's a couple of things I would like to work on and that's alright.  

Everything in my life is NOT good, but as far as I can see everything is OK and from there I can work with it. One thing at the time. 

Back home again, after about ten months, feels a bit strange being here. It's so familiar and yet so much has changed, the new things that have been built, the people and I guess mostly me.
I am very happy where I live but it's really nice to be back home. I got asked on the first day back: So when are you moving back home?
If I would move back it would probably be first in a couple of years, at the earliest. I love it here, but it so much nicer to "just" be visiting.
I miss my friends and my family, but I have moved closer even if it now is a 2hour ride via bus and train / 1 and 1/2 hours via car so I will try and visit more often now - I will not wait 10 months to come back home this time.

So it's my birthday in 17 days, turning 24, it feels a bit odd but you know one apparently keeps getting older each year - for some odd reason. I thought I just turned 18 but it's been a while since then *chuckles*
and from the looks of it I will actually have some visitors this year, unlike last year when it was me, my aunt, her husband and his mother (though it was very nice either way!!!).

So why am I back home? House sitting and taking care off/watching my grandmothers cats, she's visiting my uncle and his family :) so one week back home is really nice (so far, third day here). Took my first swim in two years the evening I got here, and from the looks of it there might be a couple more chances to go swimming later this week :)

Going over to my family later today :) Meeting with my childhood friend/"sister" and her baby boy tomorrow ^^ Saturday it's "Cosplay meet-up" in the park. Oh and Friday is set for hanging out with friends as well.

I general I am feeling really great (= a bit strange to say and actually mean it, but it's a good strange.

Well I will try and think of something to do before dad comes to pick me up so bye for now!

With love
Sam

Guess what?

So it's been a while since I wrote, well anything to be honest. So many things, and a bit of nothing, has happen since I wrote in January.


Firstly I am living with Him now, we are still in an open-relationship and I have been active on a date-site and might be going on a date soon.

I am currently doing well, I am to start  vocational training soon(*). I will apply for school, education is key to getting jobs - especially when one doesn't have any kind of experience with working.

Tonight on the other hand, I am feeling a bit down, not sure why just one of those days. Missing people, missing my cats and all that shit. 

Might be updating on my other blog this coming week, since I have a couple of pages written about things I have mention over there before. 

Well then, for now I hope everyone is doing alright and I hope to be a little more active from now on.

With love

Sam

*Not sure I have actually translated it properly but lets hope I did.

Some sort of explanation or whatever

I feel the need to redo, or rather explain my last blogpost, since it apparently got some upset and even worried.

First I should explain Why I wrote anything in the first place, I have for the last year and a half been asked so many times what the relationship I have with him really is about, many of our friends have asked why it's that we are together at all. People ask why we have an open relationship and what it really means.

And the combination of getting asked the same questions so many times, lack of sleep and well be being a bitch is rarely the best thing for anything going well in my life.

//sighs// So lets explain somethings then; we like each other, like spending time together and after sometime fooling around some time ago we became what we are today, and the only real reason we actually put a label on this relationship was because I felt the pressure from other people.

And I did get a comment on my last post; “Don't take me wrong but are you really sure that this is what you want and not what he wants? Open relationship is not for all, there is only a few that can handle this sort of relationship. Still it's your choice in the end and if that makes you happy, go for it.”

And to be honest what I really want is just a silly dream //shrugs// It works so why must I defend it to everyone all the time? //shakes head// It's not a what most calls “normal” but you know what, normal is just not really what I do, if you haven't noticed already. //chuckles// Even if I often strive for normal.

So yeah, not sure this even explained anything, as usual with my post I guess. //sigh// I think I will shut down this blog. Not sure it's giving me anything anymore.

Maybe another time

//Sam

Just felt I needed to write this.

I love him. I am his best friend, his lover and I'll be there whenever he needs me.

What we have might change over time, we might find other lovers, but I will always love him, even if that love change.

I wish he and I could have a life together, I miss having him next to me when I wake in the morning, sex is great but it's a bonus, if I had to choose between having him as a lover or live with my best friend I would choose the latter. He has been the constant in my life for the past years, even if I had no one else to trust or turn to, I had him. He was the lifeboat in the storms of my life. I have loved a few others before him and during the times we were just friends, though since I realized I loved him more then my best friend my love have been constant, I might have hated him at times, wished he would leave me alone but I have loved him just the same.

The best friend in me wants him to find that special someone and the lover in me wishes that would be me.

I am in conflict with myself many times, but the love, respect, compassion and happiness I feel for him have stayed the same.

People have asked me if there's been others, if I really have loved him for theses last years of our lifes, and I have been intressted in others I have but the love I have for him is greater, ”So why do you settle for an open relationship”, I didn't settle for one, this is what he wanted so this is what it is. And that might sound like I settled, and if I have I am alright with it, and I never asked to be anything else either...

I get to be with the man I love above anything in this world and he is my best friend, how can I not be happy with what I have?

Don't take it out on me

Before reading this I want to say that it started out with me being annoyed/pissed at someone that I really shouldn't have been pissed at, so at the beginning it might be like a sort of---attack at said person but I hope if you read the entire thing you will see that this is me taking out my frustrations, instead of arguing with this person that I got pissed at for no reason which would have lead to unnecessary hurt for anyone involved. With that said, take a few minutes to read my latest ”post” about what the hell is going on in my life and what's on my mind:

I ain't the easiest person to live with, I know that very well, I have troubles, and I really don't know how to make myself into an easier person to live with, especially if no one can tell me what it is that makes me so hard to live with in the first place.

I hate conflicts, thus I myself tend to complain, just like most people I know, to others instead of the person actually involved. Which more often then not creates even more problems.

Mainly because whoever you told will, even if they didn't think about it, tell the person you should have told in the beginning, if said persons actually talk on a regular basis.

I have this phobia, something called ”Social phobia”, which in general means that places with people is places I would avoid. If I don't a part of my brain that has been taught that these places are ”bad” will send signals to other parts of my brain telling me that I will most likely die if I stay at this place. Yes that's not only illogical but also completely blown out of proportions, but that is what I tell myself. I am afraid of people watching me, that people will try and trample me down.

So a simple task like go buy a litre/gallon (or whatever type of measuring names you have) of milk in an ordinary store is amongst the hardest things I have to do.

It feels like my ribs will crush my lungs, I can barely breath, my heart is racing, and many times my body freezes in the place I am standing/sitting and I can not move. I have no control over my body. I can ”scream” at it to move but not even a muscle moves.

That is me doing a simple task of just going to the store, now imagine what I'll go trough when I have to walk/travel to say a work place.

I have gotten better at handling this, and I am re-learning/teaching my brain that these things aren't ”bad” and they will not kill me. But it's not just like switching on a light, it won't just get ”good” from just a couple of tries. It will take time, more time than I want it to take but I will have to deal if I am ever going to have any type of normal life.

Now lets add the fact that I am also currently depressed, and have to take anti-depression medicine to even get through the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that is not what I am after, however I want people to understand why I many times does not act like a ”normal” person.

I have spent majority of my childhood with a mother addicted to pain medicine, people have later said that they wished they would have done something so me and my brother would have had a better childhood. And in the beginning I hated those people, they where the adults and yet they didn't do anything to help me live a ”normal” life.

But there is no reason for me to hate what they didn't do. Because even if I am messed up, I am not sure the alternative would have been better.

And no I am not saying that if I had to have lived with my father things would have been the same or even worse because I think living with my father would have been a blessing. It's just that living without my mother after they years she in a way abused me would probably have messed me up even more then living with her and by myself realizing how wrong she had been.

Now I am not sure what it really was that I wanted to say with this, I know that I want others to in a way understand me more but I don't know how to in the best way express how I feel, or how things have effected me. Most of my stories, poems and text reflects some part of me, a part of my past, my feeling at a given time or my wishes for the future.

And I do have one thing I really would like to do, but I have no idea how. And that is to edit, if needed, my poems and actually publish a small book with my poems.

And yes I do have other things I want to do, and things I need to do, and some things I have no choice but to do. But that is something I would love to make happen. I want to share my poems with anyone willing to read.

And if I actually made any kinda of money from it I could maybe pay off the depths I have, so I eventually would be able to have my own place and live my own life to the fullest.

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam

Debts, sleep deprive, going away.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about anything.
Yesterday was a great day :) I fixed with my debts and if it all works out like it should I should be out of debt in two years - And I had no debts at "Kronofogden" (head of enforcement district I believe) so a reason to celebrate! Heh I was told by a friend that I had to celebrate it, and not with just some ice cream. 
So together with Vik I went out and had dinner and drank a couple of beers. Was nice.


Me and Vik will also be leaving for my aunt and uncles this Friday. It's been a couple of months since we last went. Looking forward to it.


Haven't really been sleeping these last...five-ish days. and today I'm just not feeling that well but I have things I need to do. Blargh! I just want to go back to sleep. I was supposed take my 'sleeping pill' last night but I got caught up in the game and before I knew it it was past twelve. I went to bed after my brother...I rarely do that. I could use a day to just sleep.


Tomorrow we're going to Stockholm and the Sci-Fi-bookstore :) Gonna check for a birthday present, or rather check if they have it in store, since I want it as well ^^ (Did that perhaps make it easier or harder for you, hun?).


Well bye for now
//Sam

Choices

by ~Unelore

We all have choices in life right? We choose how we live, where we work, who we live with, right?
No. That's not completely right. Because we are born in to this life without a choice. Then our parents, if we are lucky to have them, decides where we live and with whom. They decide where we go to school and they always wants us to do well in school. 
But for some of us that isn't the easiest part to do. Some of us are made fun of, bullied, picked and even kicked at. And that my friend is the first time you can really decide something for yourself. Stand up for what is happening or just get kicked around or do the kicking around. That choice didn't our parents make. We did.
Then our parents makes the decision to who we are allowed to see, some of us have the unluck to be able to hang with whomever we choose. Simply because our parents doesn't care. Then there is those who aren't allowed to 'hang' with others then their parents 'friends' kids. 
And this is where we learn to either dislike society because of the lack of carrying for the poor or dislike it because of they raises the taxes to get more money to those in need.

Don't think that your way at seeing at life doesn't have anything to do with where you where born and how you where raised. Or that it doesn't have anything to do with where you did get your education, if you were that lucky to have gotten one. Because, my friend, that matters more then other things.

What I'm about to tell you is how many see things;
If you where poor growing up, you will be poor when you're an adult.
If you where rich growing up, you will have money when you're an adult.
And here's where most people think that there's no way that anything could change, but you see this is where they are wrong.
A poor person can become rich, by things like saving, getting an education or just by plain luck; win at the lottery.
A rich person can become poor in so many ways that I have no energy to write them up, and I would probably miss a lot of them to if I would try.

So what is it that I am trying to say with this? That we can't choose at all? That everything is ruled by chance?

No, not really. I mean, it's luck if you get born into a family with money and yet unlucky if it turns out that the only thing that matters is the money. I would rather consider myself lucky if I was born in a less fortunate but loving family, that doesn't care for money more then a way to pay the bills and put food on the table.

And yet I think that with all my babble we haven't really become any wiser, have we? 

Then I choose to stop this, and you, friend, can choose to think about what I've said in this weird text of sort, or choose not to.

It's up to you.

My regards to you,
L.A.T.E

Do you remember

This poem I wrote three-ish years ago. Please read to the end of the post.

Do you remember?

by ~Unelore

Do you remember?
All those years ago?
When you held me close,
letting me cry in your arms?

When things got worse,
you held me until all my tears had dried out

Do you remember;
lying down next to each other?
listening to me cry in your arms?
comforting me when things got out of hand?
just being there?

Because I do

I remember
all those years ago
when you held me close
letting me cry in your arms

Being held 'til I calmed down

lying next to you
listening to you sleep
Remembering your arms around me
when things got out of hand

I remember you being there
And I miss you
I really do

I miss listening to you slow breathing 
right there next to me
I miss the feeling of safety
in your arms
I miss everything
I took for granted

I miss you...
---
I have someone like that again in my life, someone that I feel safe with again. Someone that doesn't care about all the shit I've been through, someone that helps me stand when I've fallen, someone that I treasure with all my heart.


I'm going through my things on dA when I read this poem again and realized that I have what I missed back then. And that's a very nice thing to realize I must say.


With love
Sam

Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Meaning that it's celebration time over here. Openings of presents. Eating good food with families and friends.

So how am I spending my Christmas Eve? From 7-12 I am doing laundry. Then I am going to my cousins place and changing gifts and hanging out with them :) Christmas with children are awesome. After that, I'm hanging out with a couple of friends.  :) Looking forward to tomorrow ^^

This will be my first Christmas that I can't see my mother. It is not the first Christmas I spend without her, but it will be the first Christmas that I can't even go see her before or after whatever I do on Christmas Eve.
It's feeling a little harder then I thought it would be. I can only compare it to when my grandfather passed, but he passed just a few weeks before Christmas and the funeral was in the days between Christmas and New years.

Still I do love Christmas.

That's it for now.
Laters and Merry Christmas to all
with love
Sandra

A good day

I get to throw away loads of stuff today, thanks to a lot of help from a friend, actually they're two that's helping me but one of them have the car and the trailer :) I am very thankful that he could make it.

Hopefully most of the stuff we're not keeping will be gone by the end of the day. Doubt it all will be gone, but having some gone is a weight of my chest.

And when it's done I get to take up the tree and decorate my room for Christmas :) Really looking forward to this Sunday :D

Speaking of Sunday, I need to find my Christmas wrapping paper. I have presents to wrap, one especially for Sunday :)

I'll update later how it turned out :) Bye for now.

With love
Sam

Just not...(add)

*sigh* Just not really up for this. It's getting awfully hard.
I miss my best friend. I miss my mother. I wish I was stronger. I wish these things didn't effect me.
I *sigh* just...I'm trying so hard to see the big picture. But it's getting hard seeing through tear-filled eyes.

A part of me is missing, a part left with her
another part leaves me every time you do

Tears rolling down my cheeks
sometimes for no reason
other times for a good one

I smile
though there is no happiness there
I laugh...
at how it all turned out

There's happy times
It's just so hard to see
with my vision all blurred

Update

Been feeling a little worse to wear for a couple of days. Getting better now. I hope. Finished my assignment for school earlier today, had a friend check it over before I sent it in. As longs as I pass I'm good. I should be trying more,I should be getting A's but right now I can't be bothered to.
And that's just sad in an out of itself.
Paid two of the three rents today. Glad most of it's out of the way.

Looking forward to this Sunday. Even if I'm starting to regret some minor things about it.

Made food for me and the boys today, tasted good, which is more than I can say about most of the things I've been making as of late. I really wish I could cook for the people I love but since I don't really have the money to treat anyone to dinner it just have to wait. And the fact that none of them really have time makes it just that much harder.

Off to see the last eps of Dark Angel.

^^

Good night ;)

Feeling really good. I think it's 'cause I've spent yesterday and most of the day today with J. I've missed hanging out with him. So I slept at his place last night, first time in little over a year, had a great day yesterday. Spent a couple of hours shopping, even if it where more looking up things that we think will look good on K and Ac later when we go shopping with them. I've missed how J have a way of making me smile, for nothing really.

Spent the evening today alone, not counting the hours my younger brother spent in the other room by his computer *chuckles*, around nine I played some Wc3 with a friend for about three hours. Was really fun :) Happy he made time to play with me :)

Now I've boiled some tea, lit some candles in my room and waiting for J, he's been out with the boys tonight. They a 'Boy's night out', and I was baned. For once I wasn't 'one of the boys', which is great and a little sad as well.

Getting a little tired. Will probably not be up much longer, after J gets here.

'night people :)
love
Sammie