Don't take it out on me

Before reading this I want to say that it started out with me being annoyed/pissed at someone that I really shouldn't have been pissed at, so at the beginning it might be like a sort of---attack at said person but I hope if you read the entire thing you will see that this is me taking out my frustrations, instead of arguing with this person that I got pissed at for no reason which would have lead to unnecessary hurt for anyone involved. With that said, take a few minutes to read my latest ”post” about what the hell is going on in my life and what's on my mind:

I ain't the easiest person to live with, I know that very well, I have troubles, and I really don't know how to make myself into an easier person to live with, especially if no one can tell me what it is that makes me so hard to live with in the first place.

I hate conflicts, thus I myself tend to complain, just like most people I know, to others instead of the person actually involved. Which more often then not creates even more problems.

Mainly because whoever you told will, even if they didn't think about it, tell the person you should have told in the beginning, if said persons actually talk on a regular basis.

I have this phobia, something called ”Social phobia”, which in general means that places with people is places I would avoid. If I don't a part of my brain that has been taught that these places are ”bad” will send signals to other parts of my brain telling me that I will most likely die if I stay at this place. Yes that's not only illogical but also completely blown out of proportions, but that is what I tell myself. I am afraid of people watching me, that people will try and trample me down.

So a simple task like go buy a litre/gallon (or whatever type of measuring names you have) of milk in an ordinary store is amongst the hardest things I have to do.

It feels like my ribs will crush my lungs, I can barely breath, my heart is racing, and many times my body freezes in the place I am standing/sitting and I can not move. I have no control over my body. I can ”scream” at it to move but not even a muscle moves.

That is me doing a simple task of just going to the store, now imagine what I'll go trough when I have to walk/travel to say a work place.

I have gotten better at handling this, and I am re-learning/teaching my brain that these things aren't ”bad” and they will not kill me. But it's not just like switching on a light, it won't just get ”good” from just a couple of tries. It will take time, more time than I want it to take but I will have to deal if I am ever going to have any type of normal life.

Now lets add the fact that I am also currently depressed, and have to take anti-depression medicine to even get through the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, that is not what I am after, however I want people to understand why I many times does not act like a ”normal” person.

I have spent majority of my childhood with a mother addicted to pain medicine, people have later said that they wished they would have done something so me and my brother would have had a better childhood. And in the beginning I hated those people, they where the adults and yet they didn't do anything to help me live a ”normal” life.

But there is no reason for me to hate what they didn't do. Because even if I am messed up, I am not sure the alternative would have been better.

And no I am not saying that if I had to have lived with my father things would have been the same or even worse because I think living with my father would have been a blessing. It's just that living without my mother after they years she in a way abused me would probably have messed me up even more then living with her and by myself realizing how wrong she had been.

Now I am not sure what it really was that I wanted to say with this, I know that I want others to in a way understand me more but I don't know how to in the best way express how I feel, or how things have effected me. Most of my stories, poems and text reflects some part of me, a part of my past, my feeling at a given time or my wishes for the future.

And I do have one thing I really would like to do, but I have no idea how. And that is to edit, if needed, my poems and actually publish a small book with my poems.

And yes I do have other things I want to do, and things I need to do, and some things I have no choice but to do. But that is something I would love to make happen. I want to share my poems with anyone willing to read.

And if I actually made any kinda of money from it I could maybe pay off the depths I have, so I eventually would be able to have my own place and live my own life to the fullest.

How can I still smile when things go wrong?

I have for years hid behind my smile when things have gotten rough. And to a point I still do, but nowhere near the amount I did before.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me just what the hell's going on with me, but when I try I shut down, kinda like a clam, shutting myself inside the shell.
I dislike to argue, I don't mind bickering or such with my friends n' family, but to truly argue is something I really hate. A part of me go back to when I was younger, I see my mother or hear my fathers voice in the back of my head. I hear their words echoing. As I have stated before it doesn't even have to be me in an argument, if I hear one close to me I get scared. It's like I am just waiting for that hit or those words.

My "warning-center" doesn't really comprehend the logic in the situation, it's been taught that argument means to be alert and afraid. And it takes time to get passed it.
I have re-learned my "w-c" some things already, it doesn't scream at me whenever I enter a store anymore. The thoughts where overwhelming, my chest felt like it was shrinking, like my ribs where contracting into me. It felt as if someone was pushing a weight against my rib-cage. And it still do feel like that sometimes. Especially when I have to do something I haven't done before, like meeting someone I haven't seen or heard about before.

Right now, many things have gone bad, or maybe I should just say they didn't go as planed? I started school again, but since I screwed up with the application for my student loan I haven't gotten any money and as such I haven't been able to pay my rent, some days I barely eat anything because I don't really know when I'll have money to restock my fridge, freezer or my cabinet. And that is generally bad as it is, but lets add the fact that my body no longer even can pick up the nutrition it used to before the surgery it's even more important that I eat, and lets not forget I have to take vitamins, other medicines each day, but it's pretty much all gone and I don't have money to get a re-fill not right now. And I can't, or rather I won't ask to loan any more money from anyone, I'm already in much dept to my family that I'll feel even worse if I even asked again.
It was all supposed to get so much better when I moved and started school again. I had it figured out, thanks to the student loan I would be able to pay everyone back, even if not everything but at least most of it. And now I'm no longer in school and because of my "social phobia" I can't work. I have no idea how the hell I am gonna survive with any kind of pride left - then again I don't think I have any left, or maybe I have too much of it.

So, back to the title: How can I smile?
After writing this I can't understand how, in the beginning of this post I was going to say that I have people that love and care for me and that is true, even if my heart and brain doesn't always agree on that part, I do have people that love me and that I love. I have people that want what's best for me, especially when I doubt I deserve any of the sort. I do have people that will stand by me when things are rough, I just need to let them. I do have people that try to cheer me up when I am down and lends me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I do have persons in my life that want me to be happy because I DO deserve to be happy. Even if I doubt myself about it more often then not. I can smile because I have them.
I can smile and laugh even when things sucks because I have persons in my life that love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them.

There might be a huge ass mountain between me and whatever there is that will make me truly happy and content here in life, so I'll just have to climb the F-ing thing and let my family and friends lend me a hand when I need it and be there to laugh with me about the smallest things when I fall and help me back up.

That is why I can smile even when things go wrong.

Long time no see

I wish that I could come with a better explanation for why I haven't written for over seven months but the only thing I can say is "I haven't felt like it." I haven't even written on my stories for...two almost three years. //feels ashamed// I am now living and going to school in Kristinehamn, where my aunt and uncle lives. I am living with Vik and his girlfriend.
Yesterday my mother had been gone for one year. I can't quite believe it, though to be honest I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would nor as much as I probably should. 
Now that school have started I think I might be writing a little more, or I hope so. I'll try and write some the tell what's been going on...or just keep writing and if you by any chance have a question about anything I can respond with a post (if a short reply isn't enough).
I'm going to K-san this weekend, miss him a lot, we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks now actually, and these last two weeks have been a mess so I am really looking forward to see him.  And to see his apartment ^^ I'm so happy for him that he finally have his own place :)


Well I told my aunt 45min ago that I would try and get some sleep - At least I am in bed under my cover :P


So bye for now
With Love
Sam

Debts, sleep deprive, going away.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't really felt like writing anything about anything.
Yesterday was a great day :) I fixed with my debts and if it all works out like it should I should be out of debt in two years - And I had no debts at "Kronofogden" (head of enforcement district I believe) so a reason to celebrate! Heh I was told by a friend that I had to celebrate it, and not with just some ice cream. 
So together with Vik I went out and had dinner and drank a couple of beers. Was nice.


Me and Vik will also be leaving for my aunt and uncles this Friday. It's been a couple of months since we last went. Looking forward to it.


Haven't really been sleeping these last...five-ish days. and today I'm just not feeling that well but I have things I need to do. Blargh! I just want to go back to sleep. I was supposed take my 'sleeping pill' last night but I got caught up in the game and before I knew it it was past twelve. I went to bed after my brother...I rarely do that. I could use a day to just sleep.


Tomorrow we're going to Stockholm and the Sci-Fi-bookstore :) Gonna check for a birthday present, or rather check if they have it in store, since I want it as well ^^ (Did that perhaps make it easier or harder for you, hun?).


Well bye for now
//Sam

Choices

by ~Unelore

We all have choices in life right? We choose how we live, where we work, who we live with, right?
No. That's not completely right. Because we are born in to this life without a choice. Then our parents, if we are lucky to have them, decides where we live and with whom. They decide where we go to school and they always wants us to do well in school. 
But for some of us that isn't the easiest part to do. Some of us are made fun of, bullied, picked and even kicked at. And that my friend is the first time you can really decide something for yourself. Stand up for what is happening or just get kicked around or do the kicking around. That choice didn't our parents make. We did.
Then our parents makes the decision to who we are allowed to see, some of us have the unluck to be able to hang with whomever we choose. Simply because our parents doesn't care. Then there is those who aren't allowed to 'hang' with others then their parents 'friends' kids. 
And this is where we learn to either dislike society because of the lack of carrying for the poor or dislike it because of they raises the taxes to get more money to those in need.

Don't think that your way at seeing at life doesn't have anything to do with where you where born and how you where raised. Or that it doesn't have anything to do with where you did get your education, if you were that lucky to have gotten one. Because, my friend, that matters more then other things.

What I'm about to tell you is how many see things;
If you where poor growing up, you will be poor when you're an adult.
If you where rich growing up, you will have money when you're an adult.
And here's where most people think that there's no way that anything could change, but you see this is where they are wrong.
A poor person can become rich, by things like saving, getting an education or just by plain luck; win at the lottery.
A rich person can become poor in so many ways that I have no energy to write them up, and I would probably miss a lot of them to if I would try.

So what is it that I am trying to say with this? That we can't choose at all? That everything is ruled by chance?

No, not really. I mean, it's luck if you get born into a family with money and yet unlucky if it turns out that the only thing that matters is the money. I would rather consider myself lucky if I was born in a less fortunate but loving family, that doesn't care for money more then a way to pay the bills and put food on the table.

And yet I think that with all my babble we haven't really become any wiser, have we? 

Then I choose to stop this, and you, friend, can choose to think about what I've said in this weird text of sort, or choose not to.

It's up to you.

My regards to you,
L.A.T.E

Do you remember

This poem I wrote three-ish years ago. Please read to the end of the post.

Do you remember?

by ~Unelore

Do you remember?
All those years ago?
When you held me close,
letting me cry in your arms?

When things got worse,
you held me until all my tears had dried out

Do you remember;
lying down next to each other?
listening to me cry in your arms?
comforting me when things got out of hand?
just being there?

Because I do

I remember
all those years ago
when you held me close
letting me cry in your arms

Being held 'til I calmed down

lying next to you
listening to you sleep
Remembering your arms around me
when things got out of hand

I remember you being there
And I miss you
I really do

I miss listening to you slow breathing 
right there next to me
I miss the feeling of safety
in your arms
I miss everything
I took for granted

I miss you...
---
I have someone like that again in my life, someone that I feel safe with again. Someone that doesn't care about all the shit I've been through, someone that helps me stand when I've fallen, someone that I treasure with all my heart.


I'm going through my things on dA when I read this poem again and realized that I have what I missed back then. And that's a very nice thing to realize I must say.


With love
Sam

Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Meaning that it's celebration time over here. Openings of presents. Eating good food with families and friends.

So how am I spending my Christmas Eve? From 7-12 I am doing laundry. Then I am going to my cousins place and changing gifts and hanging out with them :) Christmas with children are awesome. After that, I'm hanging out with a couple of friends.  :) Looking forward to tomorrow ^^

This will be my first Christmas that I can't see my mother. It is not the first Christmas I spend without her, but it will be the first Christmas that I can't even go see her before or after whatever I do on Christmas Eve.
It's feeling a little harder then I thought it would be. I can only compare it to when my grandfather passed, but he passed just a few weeks before Christmas and the funeral was in the days between Christmas and New years.

Still I do love Christmas.

That's it for now.
Laters and Merry Christmas to all
with love
Sandra

A good day

I get to throw away loads of stuff today, thanks to a lot of help from a friend, actually they're two that's helping me but one of them have the car and the trailer :) I am very thankful that he could make it.

Hopefully most of the stuff we're not keeping will be gone by the end of the day. Doubt it all will be gone, but having some gone is a weight of my chest.

And when it's done I get to take up the tree and decorate my room for Christmas :) Really looking forward to this Sunday :D

Speaking of Sunday, I need to find my Christmas wrapping paper. I have presents to wrap, one especially for Sunday :)

I'll update later how it turned out :) Bye for now.

With love
Sam

Just not...(add)

*sigh* Just not really up for this. It's getting awfully hard.
I miss my best friend. I miss my mother. I wish I was stronger. I wish these things didn't effect me.
I *sigh* just...I'm trying so hard to see the big picture. But it's getting hard seeing through tear-filled eyes.

A part of me is missing, a part left with her
another part leaves me every time you do

Tears rolling down my cheeks
sometimes for no reason
other times for a good one

I smile
though there is no happiness there
I laugh...
at how it all turned out

There's happy times
It's just so hard to see
with my vision all blurred

Update

Been feeling a little worse to wear for a couple of days. Getting better now. I hope. Finished my assignment for school earlier today, had a friend check it over before I sent it in. As longs as I pass I'm good. I should be trying more,I should be getting A's but right now I can't be bothered to.
And that's just sad in an out of itself.
Paid two of the three rents today. Glad most of it's out of the way.

Looking forward to this Sunday. Even if I'm starting to regret some minor things about it.

Made food for me and the boys today, tasted good, which is more than I can say about most of the things I've been making as of late. I really wish I could cook for the people I love but since I don't really have the money to treat anyone to dinner it just have to wait. And the fact that none of them really have time makes it just that much harder.

Off to see the last eps of Dark Angel.

^^

Good night ;)

Feeling really good. I think it's 'cause I've spent yesterday and most of the day today with J. I've missed hanging out with him. So I slept at his place last night, first time in little over a year, had a great day yesterday. Spent a couple of hours shopping, even if it where more looking up things that we think will look good on K and Ac later when we go shopping with them. I've missed how J have a way of making me smile, for nothing really.

Spent the evening today alone, not counting the hours my younger brother spent in the other room by his computer *chuckles*, around nine I played some Wc3 with a friend for about three hours. Was really fun :) Happy he made time to play with me :)

Now I've boiled some tea, lit some candles in my room and waiting for J, he's been out with the boys tonight. They a 'Boy's night out', and I was baned. For once I wasn't 'one of the boys', which is great and a little sad as well.

Getting a little tired. Will probably not be up much longer, after J gets here.

'night people :)
love
Sammie

Friday yay ^^

Hilo,

Got yet another night of awesome amount of sleep! Yay! ^_^ Little annoyed at the fact I keep waking up ten minutes before my alarm will go off, thinking about setting my alarm ten minutes past the time I'm supposed to go up and maybe I'll wake up on the right time?! Hmm, who knows it might work?

Today feels like it might be a very good day. Not sure why but it's a hunch.

Leaving in like an hour, taking the bus to Stockholm to meet up J. We're going shopping, again, this time for a hat. ^^

I better try and get some food down before I leave.

with love
Sam

Speaking.

When the hell did talking get so hard? I could tell you pretty much anything and everything. So when did it change? Why did it? Looks like I'm not the only one that has trouble speaking her mind.

A little something

So it looks like it wasn't the medicine, I do have to contact another doctor to check my blood pressure, EKG and some other things, since me passing out might be a lot of different things.

Oh and I'm so sick of myself lately, when I feel bad instead of say that I'm feeling bad I get angry or upset at the people I want to be around, the ones I want to hug me, hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. And then that little voice in my head gets even worse telling me that none of my "so-called" friends even care about me, that they don't even care what happens to me.
But I know it's not true, that's the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid, I know my friends care. And I know they would come running if I ask, 9/10 times at least, and that's what's keeping me up.
I'm on my fourth day on the medicine, meaning what ever I feel, I feel it so many times more now then I did a couple of days ago. Any feeling is multiplied by 10 or something.
I'm very glad to have a day when I don't really have to do anything, but being alone is taking it's toll. I do need some time alone. But it's hard.

And the thing is, when I feel bad I usually need people around because I know I have a tendency to do something stupid if I am alone. Which also gives people around me the  impression I'm very social, but then the times when I feel better comes around and I need to be alone. It takes so much energy being social, it's one thing being with someone and just be, like being in the same room but not doing anything together nor talking with each other, but being around people takes so much energy. I feel the need to be somewhat happy and when you're not feeling 100 that takes energy. So when I feel better I want to recuperate by being alone, and that's when people think I'm feeling bad.

Don't get me wrong, I like being around people, but not all the time, and especially not when I do actually feel great. Because when I feel great I can write, I can read, and do the things I really love. Okay now that made it even worse. Hmm, maybe I should just stop right there before I dig myself any deeper into this hellhole I've just dug.

Well that's it for now. I'll full-screen my episode of Dark Angel and try not to think to much.
//Sam

Bad experience

Hi,

So I took my ’sleeping’ pill for the first time in a long time last night, and I passed out, and not the nice ‘falling asleep’ passing out no this was the ‘in the middle of doing something falling down’ kind of passing out. Luckily for me I was sitting down when I passed out. When I came to I feel down to the floor, shaking and crying, because the few moments I had been out I had managed to get a nightmare, and I believe I made some very odd sounds since my brother came running asking what was going on. And there I was, apparently very pale, sitting leaning against the wall, shaking and crying hysterical. 

He had to help me up, walk me over to the bed and help me off with some of my clothes. I haven’t been that scared, since…my brother called me in the middle of the night when our mother had a psychosis and I was miles away. I managed to calm down some and eventually I feel asleep.

I thought I would take those pills all nights before school days, but now I am a little afraid, and I was supposed to call my doctor this morning but I was a little busy with everything else so I forgot.

08:35 my phone rings and I wake up, my friend C is coming in a few to pick me up and drive me to school. 08:57 I’m at school, my class starts at 09:00. Had math ‘til 12:00, printed out a couple of pages for my Swedish assignment. Then I walked over to my cousins work and had breakfast/lunch with her for about 45min.

Around 13.30 I met up with J, we went shopping. Had loads of fun actually, I who usually hates shopping. I guess it’s the company ;) When we headed for the bus station we met a friend of ours that tagged along to my place for a while before going back to his driving lesson. 

J and I chatted a lot, like always, watch some Bones, had dinner and it was really nice. I miss being around J, we spent a lot of time together before, hopefully we’ll see each other some more now.

My knees are hurting like hell. It’s been a long time since they hurt this much. Walking in bad shoes and cold weather will do that to me.

Oh and my other brother, the middle one, is here again. And it looks like he’ll be here for a while. And apparently there will be a LAN next week… not sure how I feel about that. I’ll try and find refugee somewhere else if it gets too much. I don’t mind it all too much since it’s not that often, but they tend to take a lot of my energy even though I’m not in the same room and all that.

Bye for now

TTYL
love Sam

Monday, yawn

Hilo,

Went to the doctor this morning, I’ve started on my medicine again and I got a new one as well. So for the next two weeks or so, I will most likely get a lot worse before I start feeling better again. Just want to give everyone a heads up.

And while I’m on these meds I’m not supposed to be drinking, so no more alcohol for me for some time.

Did some other errands while I was out, feels nice to have them done. Still have a lot to do at home but it’s slowly getting to where I want.

Haven’t slept much, so I’m feeling tired and I’ve got a headache that just won’t give in-

Was supposed to meet up with my cousin ‘Gina today, but she had to work, again, I’ll try and go by her work tomorrow so we can at least see each other a little, and looks like we’re giving it a new try next week. *chuckles*

I’ll write when I got something more to say later.

With love
Sam

Hilo

Hilo everyone

So it’s Sunday 28^th  of November 2010 today, also the first Advent today, and I went to church with my grandmother. And I must say I actually enjoyed going to church.

Let me start with that my 80 year old grandmother met up with her cousin, whom I presume is around her age as well and that cousins’ neighbor and they (cousin and grandmother) told me that the neighbor was young, and when comparing to the two of them I guess she was, since she was ‘only’ 68. It was entertaining listening to them talk, especially about the people that came, ‘He’s become old hasn’t he?’, ‘Look a lot of old ladies here.’ And seriously when two 80 year olds comments that there’s ‘old ladies’ around them, you can’t not laugh.

One of the priests talked about giving each other more time to give an impression, during those 30-60sec that we give each other now is maybe just a little too short time. He also told a story, about a missionary that was out in a dessert and his Jeep broke down, so instead of waiting by the car he started walking towards the village he was headed for. Some time later he was faced with lions, before they were to close he kneeled and prayed to God to help him, a few meters from him the lions stopped. They put their paws together and thanked God for the food. – Now that was not the story I thought he would tell, but there’s always two ways to anything. And I did enjoy that story. He made some other great point, which I at the moment can’t talk about since I’m working on them on my own.

So in the middle of me writing this I’m also trying to get my room in order, which isn’t an easy task I might add. However I am getting there, slowly, eventually I’ll be able to take up the Christmas things and decorate.

I’ve booked Sunday 12^th as my ‘Advent gathering’, so I have two weeks to get everything done – such as baking, cleaning and shopping.

I have however ironed the curtains and I hung them yesterday. I need to find pots for the flowers I bought the other day.

No actually it’s playing stupid games on facebook, cleaning, packing/unpacking and writing this.

Well I probably had something else to add. *shrugs* That will be another post then.

For now, be safe

With love

Sam

Blog "meme"

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about.

Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. (Or possibly one post that contains opinions on all the things I've been asked.)

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

It's not all that bad.

Was in school today ^^ Very happy C took it upon herself to drive me there :) Got a test on Friday, hopefully it will go just fine.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 10 with a social worker, about the informal estate inventory deed, at 11 I have my appointment with my counselor. At 1 school starts, 3 school ends. Looks like a fairly busy day tomorrow.

Went down to the laundry room to check it was free, it looked like no one was using it when I past it on my way home from school. And it was free. So me and my brother got a couple of hours that we can get some laundry done. Which is very neat, mostly since we have it on Friday again and then I won't have to choice between what to wash, since I won't have as much on Friday.

Got a lot of things on my mind right now, I'm very glad that I haven't broken down and started hurting myself, more then the fact I have trouble going outside. I am very thankful for my friends and my family, even if I might not show it.

My mood swings been worse as of late, but I can at least say that it's not been all bad. Not really. Even though when one of the bad times comes around and I feel like there hasn't been a good thing in years, it's not all that bad.

Still not really up from hanging out with people. Not for any longer period of time. One person is fine, more not so much. Very glad I have this weekend for myself (will probably have changed my mind by Friday *chuckles* ). Will spend it with cleaning, baking and Christmas decorate ^^

Well that's what I have for now.

Have a nice day everyone.
With Love
Sam

2010-11-22

Wrote the worst piece of paper ever yesterday, if I get a, um, C would be the same as our ”Godkänt” I believe, I will be surprised. That’s why one should never post pone your assignments!

Okay over to something else, I’ve been telling my friends, mainly guys, that when they do find someone they are interested in they should act on it, even if one of the other guys are interested as well. Yeah, and that kinda backfired on me. Live after your own teachings, yeah, guess I have some learning to do.

And my anxiety has gotten much worse, I can’t go outside. I’m afraid to go outside. I’m scared of going into a store. I feel nauseas when I’m meeting someone, or if I’m meeting pretty much anyone. My step suggested that I would go see a psychologist, and that idea is starting to sound better every moment that passes.

…………