A little something

So it looks like it wasn't the medicine, I do have to contact another doctor to check my blood pressure, EKG and some other things, since me passing out might be a lot of different things.

Oh and I'm so sick of myself lately, when I feel bad instead of say that I'm feeling bad I get angry or upset at the people I want to be around, the ones I want to hug me, hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. And then that little voice in my head gets even worse telling me that none of my "so-called" friends even care about me, that they don't even care what happens to me.
But I know it's not true, that's the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid, I know my friends care. And I know they would come running if I ask, 9/10 times at least, and that's what's keeping me up.
I'm on my fourth day on the medicine, meaning what ever I feel, I feel it so many times more now then I did a couple of days ago. Any feeling is multiplied by 10 or something.
I'm very glad to have a day when I don't really have to do anything, but being alone is taking it's toll. I do need some time alone. But it's hard.

And the thing is, when I feel bad I usually need people around because I know I have a tendency to do something stupid if I am alone. Which also gives people around me the  impression I'm very social, but then the times when I feel better comes around and I need to be alone. It takes so much energy being social, it's one thing being with someone and just be, like being in the same room but not doing anything together nor talking with each other, but being around people takes so much energy. I feel the need to be somewhat happy and when you're not feeling 100 that takes energy. So when I feel better I want to recuperate by being alone, and that's when people think I'm feeling bad.

Don't get me wrong, I like being around people, but not all the time, and especially not when I do actually feel great. Because when I feel great I can write, I can read, and do the things I really love. Okay now that made it even worse. Hmm, maybe I should just stop right there before I dig myself any deeper into this hellhole I've just dug.

Well that's it for now. I'll full-screen my episode of Dark Angel and try not to think to much.
//Sam

Bad experience

Hi,

So I took my ’sleeping’ pill for the first time in a long time last night, and I passed out, and not the nice ‘falling asleep’ passing out no this was the ‘in the middle of doing something falling down’ kind of passing out. Luckily for me I was sitting down when I passed out. When I came to I feel down to the floor, shaking and crying, because the few moments I had been out I had managed to get a nightmare, and I believe I made some very odd sounds since my brother came running asking what was going on. And there I was, apparently very pale, sitting leaning against the wall, shaking and crying hysterical. 

He had to help me up, walk me over to the bed and help me off with some of my clothes. I haven’t been that scared, since…my brother called me in the middle of the night when our mother had a psychosis and I was miles away. I managed to calm down some and eventually I feel asleep.

I thought I would take those pills all nights before school days, but now I am a little afraid, and I was supposed to call my doctor this morning but I was a little busy with everything else so I forgot.

08:35 my phone rings and I wake up, my friend C is coming in a few to pick me up and drive me to school. 08:57 I’m at school, my class starts at 09:00. Had math ‘til 12:00, printed out a couple of pages for my Swedish assignment. Then I walked over to my cousins work and had breakfast/lunch with her for about 45min.

Around 13.30 I met up with J, we went shopping. Had loads of fun actually, I who usually hates shopping. I guess it’s the company ;) When we headed for the bus station we met a friend of ours that tagged along to my place for a while before going back to his driving lesson. 

J and I chatted a lot, like always, watch some Bones, had dinner and it was really nice. I miss being around J, we spent a lot of time together before, hopefully we’ll see each other some more now.

My knees are hurting like hell. It’s been a long time since they hurt this much. Walking in bad shoes and cold weather will do that to me.

Oh and my other brother, the middle one, is here again. And it looks like he’ll be here for a while. And apparently there will be a LAN next week… not sure how I feel about that. I’ll try and find refugee somewhere else if it gets too much. I don’t mind it all too much since it’s not that often, but they tend to take a lot of my energy even though I’m not in the same room and all that.

Bye for now

TTYL
love Sam

Monday, yawn

Hilo,

Went to the doctor this morning, I’ve started on my medicine again and I got a new one as well. So for the next two weeks or so, I will most likely get a lot worse before I start feeling better again. Just want to give everyone a heads up.

And while I’m on these meds I’m not supposed to be drinking, so no more alcohol for me for some time.

Did some other errands while I was out, feels nice to have them done. Still have a lot to do at home but it’s slowly getting to where I want.

Haven’t slept much, so I’m feeling tired and I’ve got a headache that just won’t give in-

Was supposed to meet up with my cousin ‘Gina today, but she had to work, again, I’ll try and go by her work tomorrow so we can at least see each other a little, and looks like we’re giving it a new try next week. *chuckles*

I’ll write when I got something more to say later.

With love
Sam