Happy birthday to me ;)

So today is my birthday, yay for being one year older...Not that I feel much of a difference from yesterday, tbh.
Has Cherry over for a visit today, met her around one and she left just after five. Was really nice meeting her again, missed her a lot!!
Then my dad, my stepmum and my brother visit (two of them was already here), had some coffee. Was really nice.

Have mailed the funeral home, with the add, decided on the verse "Så länge vi minns, lever du." "As long as we remember, you live" (okay maybe not the best translation other xD).
Tomorrow

• Call socialservices
• Order flowers
• Book the hair-dresser
• Buy shoes
• Look for black clothes

So a few things that I need to do before I leave to my friends place.

Another thing, Star Wars; The clone wars, so far a nice series =) Will post a better review later :)

Blargh

*sigh* One week since she died and tomorrow is my birthday...urgh...I just...blargh, 24th of September at 13:30 the funeral will be held. I just wished it all could be over. I know it takes time, I know there's a lot of other things that needs to be done and I know some of the things won't be finished until much later...

Through dream came reality

Back to the funeral directors in a bit...
Dreamed of her last night, or rather I never saw her in my dream but people talked about her, I was looking for her. She left clues all over this city I was in, but I just couldn't find her. Where ever I went I was met with someone that just met her, they told me a story about them and her, but I never managed to catch her...
 She spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospital, which makes it all even more difficult to process, my mind goes "Well she's still in the hospital, she's gonna have grandma call any day now to tell you she wants you to come in..." Then I remind myself, she's not here anymore, she left, she died. "You where there, you saw her lifeless body, you touched the cold hands of your dead mother."
....

2010 08 26

It is sad, when someone we love dies...

You see, there's a little part of you,
that they take with them, when they go.

Then remember, there will always be a part of them,
still there, with you.

~ Sandra Nordqvist Åström 2010-08-26

Empty

Yesterday just kind of past, today on the other hand feels like it's never going to end. Doesn't really feel much right now. Just kind of empty. Tired and empty.

Going to my friend in a bit, sleeping away from home will make me rest a little or at least I hope so.

Looking forward to Saturday =) A lot of my friends and family are coming.

Not so much looking forward to tomorrow, we're going to the funeral directors (or whatever they're called). Probably going to have some more answers but still...

Well bye for now
//Sammie

2010 08 23 R.I.P

06:09 – My phone rings. Even before I answer I somewhat knew what it was about. The nurse told me that we needed to be prepared. It was really bad.
06:12 – My uncle calls to tell me he’s coming to pick us up.
06:24 – My uncle and grandmother arrives, the longest twelve minute of my life has just past.
~08:00 – We arrived at the hospital, NICU (NIVA is the sort one in Swe). The nurse tells us to wait a little while before we can go inside to see mum.
08:15-11:00 – We got to see mother. Talked to the doctor, whom explained what they had done. That they’d done whatever they could think of. The bleeding in the brain had put too much pressure in there so they had to operate, since the meds didn’t do anything. The operation didn’t relieve any of the pressure either. When the bleeding started, if I got this correctly, she had a seizure that slipped her in to a coma; a coma which she never would wake up from.
~11:00 – We get called in to her room, her pulse dropped below 40, thus meaning it shouldn’t be long now.
~11:16 – Her heart had stopped beating. My mother was now, in the medical term, deceased.
11:30 – We left the hospital to return home…

I had to call my aunt, my dad’s sister and one of my mother’s closest friends, on her birthday to say that mother was dead. That was and will probably be the hardest call I had to make.
Of all the calls I’ve made today, the one that upset me the most where the one I mad to my best friend. I know he was working, that he was busy and all that shit, but pretty much saying I was a pain in the ass for wanting him close to me when I got back home was probably the most annoying and upsetting part of the day.
My mother’s death is upsetting, of course it is, and that’s what’s to be expected. But that call got me even worse.
I hope he didn’t mean it,…..and now I made it just way worse by sending a stupid text: "Didn't want to bother you with another call earlier, she's dead, died around 11.15. If you can manage to can you please make some time for your suppossed friend that's grieving and could use a gamiliar face to make her think about something else for a sec, tomorrow? Or is that to much of a pain for you?/Sam"

Why the hell must I always make it worse!? Fuck….

Not sure what will happen tomorrow, just know that in a few days the things can’t wait any longer…

Voting

I’ve realized that I have been a little short on the ‘opinions of things in the world’, thought I would be more focus on that then I have but //shurgs// things happen I guess.

In less than a month we have election here in Sweden, and I seriously have no idea how I’m voting. I thought I had a little more information about the parties, but my mind as been occupied by other things it seems. One thing I do believe is that if you don’t vote – You have no right, or rather I don’t think you have deserved the right to complain about how things are if you haven’t even cast your vote. I mean of course people that are too young to vote, or were when the election took place sure complain but if you are of age and are allowed to but decide not to vote I don’t think you have a right to complain. Maybe that’s just me but that’s what I think.

So we have two wings, like always the left and the right and then we have the middle parties those that have a little of both but not enough of neither to actually fit properly in to one wing, and of course there’s not just a couple of parties to choose from, from either wing either. No, and to actually make an educated decision, one should look them all up. So that is my plan for now, looking them up. Probably not going to have looked them all up completely but should be able to make a good decision from the information I’ll gather.

I do have some ideas what most of them are about, and frankly there’s a few that have a few plus points already. There’s one party that has a great plan concerning school policy, though there’s a lot of other things I disagree with them about. So then it’s down to counting pros and cons.

A friend and I said some time ago that we should start our own party, disregarding wings and just focus on what we want to make better. And frankly both wings have great points, though on completely different notes.

Could I vote on a party that has a great notion for schools but goes against my ethical views? Could I possible live with that? I think that’s the big decision can you vote for a party with many notions/ideas that you agree on but one major notion that goes against pretty much everything you stand for/believes in?

So I guess this turned out to be more questions than actual opinions, or questions are a part of opinions are they not?

Why be that stupid?

They’d walked to meet up with him, they we’re standing by the bus stop; she was leaning against one of the lampposts when he walked of the bus. He said hello and walked towards her to give her a hug when she left her leaning pose, slapped him across the face and started walking away.

“What the hell was that for?” He shouted after her, running up to her. “I haven’t even done anything."
"Tell yourself that enough times and I’m sure you’ll believe it.”
“Wha? Did you trip or something?” She stopped and turned to face him, he noticed she’d been crying and anything could set it off again.
“I thought that we were friends that we could go back to being that. Then what you actually have done hit me, I can’t believe that I’m that stupid, that I was so dumb to let you do what you did. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me something, especially when I acted like I did and made a fool out of myself, since she knew I was wrong, you knew but you didn’t tell me. You let me make a fool out of myself in front of her, in front of our friends. I-I…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I can be your friend right now.” She kissed his cheek, the one she hadn’t hit, before walking past him and leaving.

‘Why did I do that?’ She kept asking herself; ‘Because you needed to.’ She answered herself. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? He had lied, made her look like an idiot in front of the person she thought she’d ‘won’ over and possible their friends as well. Going back to being friends had been a great idea, but the best had been to make it all go away.

“Not fair to either of us.” His words echoed in her mind, what had he really meant with that. She knew it wasn’t really fair to her, she loved him and he didn’t love her back but she’d been with him either way. He made her feel great, he made her happy for the first time in very long time, she’d been with him since she thought that even if he doesn’t love her like she loves him he wouldn’t hurt her – more than she was hurting of it already that is. But she’s been wrong about him before and now she was again. What had he meant that it wasn’t fair to him either? Why would being with someone that loves you that just wants to please you not be fair to him? She’d been to ‘closed off’ to actually ask him that, when they’d talked. She’d been to ‘off’ to even realize that he had been with someone he said he dislike not just once, not twice, and she’d been too stupid to realize that of course he wasn’t just with her during that eleven months, why would he? It’s not like they were a couple, because they weren’t so why did that hurt? Why did it surprise her that it had happened more than once? Because she believed he… Now the tears ran down her cheeks, yet again. The thoughts had begun when she was about to go to sleep the night before, his words echoed in her mind and she started thinking back. Then it hit her, one of these other times he hadn’t been with her for some time and now she finally knew why, he’d been with that bitch. The two-faced bitch. And suddenly so many things made sense.

The gift she’d given her, the ‘concern’ they’d shown here. It fit. She’d been had. By her best friend and a girl she thought he loathed.

Now even the complains from him made even more sense. The days he’d been happier made sense.

The sentence ‘Love makes you blind’, yes that it had made her. Blind to the obvious things around her.

11/08

Yay for being sick! NOT! blargh! I have energy to do stuff, but since I get coughing fits when ever I do anything then sit still it's a little hard.

But at least I don't have a migraine also, like my brother. Lost a lot of sleep because of the cough. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Anna, need to do two things before that. - Now one of them are done...

Any remedy for cough? That costs me, nothing? Got very limited money funds, as usual, but I can't afford anything since I have to buy a collar to Miriam. Not sure how the f**k I'm gonna buy it when I can't go outside >.<

Happiness

Been happy most of the days since the move =) Feels great!

Felt lonely a lot yet happy at the same time, shouldn't work like that but apparently I do ;P Tomorrows my brothers birthday and I won't be home when dad and family comes over, since I'll be at a barbecue at Jims place.
Looking forward to it.

Will vaccum and mop the floors for my brother tomorrow before I leave, and I've gotten most of my stuff in order, or somewhat order at least. Four bags in to half a cabinet :p Yea for Tetris skills ! I be awesome! ;D

As I think you can see from the way I write, I'm happy. I'm missing some people right now like crazy but I am happy =) A very rare feeling for me. And there's a little worry in the back of my mind that says "Something bad will happen any moment now." but I'm trying to cherish these happy moments as much as I can :D

Well I'm off to bed - I've heard it helps a lot to have slept a good night to feel great ;)

Bye bye

with love
Sandra

Pain pain pain...but somehow I can manage to feel fairly good/happy despite the pain :o *looks around* Hmm maybe I was switched somewhere my pessimistic-self loathing-bitching self left and this other one came instead...then again might just be "that-time-of-the-month" thing :P Hehe

Went to the nurse at the erm...I want to call it "Youth center" but I believe that's something completely different from where I was. A nurse at the, er, place beside at the gynecologist to get contraceptive, ask about contraceptives and things like that, and before you turn 23 here in Sweden it's free of charge. Really nice thing. Got some nice answers and now I have an appointment to get a "spiral" thing in the beginning of September so I'll hopefully won't have anymore bleeding's... No bleeding = No pain! No pain = Happy Sam! Happy Sam = Happy everyone else! ...maybe :p *chuckles*

'nough about my personal stuff, or rather a little to personal personal stuff maybe :P Hehe

At my brothers now, or maybe I should say my brothers and my place ^^ For now at least :) It's nice. Lonely most of the time, but nice despite it.

Went to the vet with my grandmother and her cat today, took us about three and a half hour, met some nice people with nice pets =)

Now I'll watch more House MD (season 3 ep 20) ;)

Probably got loads of things I could be doing but not really sure what to do >.< Re-watched/skipped through House MD season 1 :P Should probably write something, but there's not to write, or rather not much wants to come out. Staring at an empty word.doc for an hour didn't make it any easier XD At least I got three things to do before the hopefully great weekend, job coach, doctors appointment and visiting my cousin :) And something I might be doing everyday, helping Ac with fixing his room and moving :p Had fun last night, even if Vik got a headache and Ac drank to much to fast and wasn't feeling to well >.<

Well now I'll continue watching House MD season 2

Yesterday 'n sleepless night

I was planing on writing something else yesterday since somethings actually happened, but for some reason I didn't...

Talked with my social secretary yesterday, she made a lot more sense this time around. First thing I need to do is get my welfare officer to help me figure out what's stopping me from finishing what I've started, if I need to be on the sick-list or if just talking, or meds would help me. She also said that being in the employment agency means one should be able to be out on a work tomorrow and we both know I'm not. Thus she said that maybe being on the sick-list would be best for me right now. And even if I hate being on it, it's even worse not being right now...

I mean I do feel better, since I'm not suicidal anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't have issues that's need to be handle. I just didn't want to think about that. I pushed those thoughts down somewhere else in my brain, for later use or something. II guess now's "Later".

Two nights with little sleep, nightmares and getting woken up by the cats.

Now I'm gonna pack the very last things, check the entire apartment for anything that's mine and pack that. Tomorrow is moving day :O

Yes and call my grandma as well to see if we can borrow her car.

Bye for now.
//Sam

Giving blood

This morning were my first time giving blood, my right arm didn't work so she had to do it in the left are. Thus I am not allowed to carry to heavy things in either arm right now - I've cared about that? Not much have the laundry machine going, packed some minor things of mine and threw cloths in a big black plastic bag since mister decided that's how he wants his cloths moved. Still got a lot of his cloths to pack (I'll probably make him do it later and then the newly cleaned cloths tomorrow when they've dried).
Oh and when one gives blood you get to chose something for doing it, like a T-shirt, mug, or like a lotto ticket. I took a ticket and I actually won a little money, now we're talking the lowest amount x2 (you can have up to x10 the amount). ^^ A nice little bonus :)
Tuffs, the longhaired kitten, moves today/tonight. Some mixed feelings about that, it's great since he gets to go to two person I know will care well for him and he'll be happy with them but I still kind of want to have him with me as well. But as I've said many times before, can't keep everyone of them. I would have to live out on the country side with a well-paying job to afford all the cats I would have by now then *chuckles*

^^

I missed you before we even said goodbye, I missed to have you right there next to me so much I kept tossing and turning all night. I used to make fun of some of my friends when they used to tell me that they couldn't sleep because their someone weren't there. Now I regret making fun of them.
There's not much fun in this situation, though it's a little fun that because of/thanks to this I realized that these feelings I have, this crush as I said before it's not just that. A year has soon passed and sure I get annoyed and sometimes angry with him, but it doesn't matter as long as he is there with me. We might fight, might get really upset with each other but at least I have someone that I love that will fight me when I'm wrong, slap me over the wrist when I do something stupid and someone that will hold me when I get sad.
He might not feel exactly like me, but I get to be with him and when that's the case it's just doesn't matter; He makes me happy.

Tuesday

In the apartment all alone (people vice that is), was in a fairly good mood when I got up this morning, now on the other hand, not so much. Though it's more the fact I have little to none energy to do anything.

Called "obesity unit" today, my doctor had apparently not sent in the referral to them, so I call my doctors office and he hadn't even written the referral in the first place and of course he wouldn't be back from his vacation until 15th of August. Thus I have to wait another three weeks before I know anything...

Broke down in tears after that... the energy I had just left me.

But hopefully I'll get some energy to do the last things that needs to be done.

Bye for now
Sam

Monday

Got a machine going with laundry, helped pack down the rest of the books for the bookcases in our room. Doesn't feel like I've slept at all but at least I don't have pain anywhere ;) Got to focus on the good things.

Will probably have all my things, beside computer and bed sheets, packed by tomorrow. Feels good to just having to move them now. Not sure how I'll move them from here to my brothers place. Should call dad and ask for help. Proved to be more of the things I have then I thought. I didn't think my manga would take up four boxes >.<

Only got one more load for the washing machine, then I shouldn't have any more cloths anywhere... I will most likely be proven wrong later on.

Should get something to eat, haven't eaten since around 15:00 yesterday, 21 hours ago. And I ate half a 90gram hamburger and almost the entire plate with fries...

Well till next time
Sam

Saturday - Sunday

This is something I wrote on the way home last night, something I've felt on more then one occasion. Some of it is painted up a little worse then it is, and I feel better about it today, but I kind of promise to post it on my blog so here it is;

I've said so many time that I don't understand how someone could stay with their cheating or abusive partner. I've always asked what the hell are they thinking with.. But I see now, or rather I don't quite understand it but I think I know the feeling they must feel.
I'm in a "relationship" that does me more bad then good things most of the time. I am not the person he loves the most, I am neither the person he thinks about most, nor am I the person he wants to be with. All this I know yet I stay, with the little hope that since he's with me and has me in the same "group" as the other three women I might just have a shot. But now a year has passed and the hurt is still there, he still loves someone else more, he still thinks about someone else and I am still not the person he wants to be with...so why the hell do I stay? I stay for the few tender times I get, for the times he holds me in his arms, for the times he makes me feel special. I stay for those rare times of happiness. I stay for the happiness I tell myself I wouldn't have gotten with someone else. But it's not true. I know this but I can't seem to accept it. I don't want to, or rather a part of me doesn't want to because of those times. But then there's the part of me that's sick of times like tonight. I am so sick of listening to how he could get it on with one of them, how he wants to be with the second one and how "unworthy" he is of her. I am sick of it! It's just bullshit!
I'm so sick of myself for letting him hurt me the way he seems to always do, I'm so sick of this sick relationship we have. For over a year I have been in love with a man that most likely will NEVER love me even close to the way I love him. I give him my body to use and he scars it, I give him my heart and he broke it and I think he's holding my soul since I am not able to tear away...

--- I hate the fact that I can mange to have little to none grammar/spelling mistakes when I'm upset whilst writing....or rather I am very annoyed at that fact.

Now today we went to Norrtälje and bought moving boxes and some papper bags to pack our things in. I've packed my manga, my books, notebooks, pens and colors, and some other mics things. That's probably all I'll do for today, concerning packing that is, tomorrow will be calling and laundry day. Got a lot of calls to make, I've realized. Will pack most of my cloths as well tomorrow I guess - the clean ones at least.
Will be dying Ac's hair and then cutting both his and Kens hair later, when neither one of them are all to busy.

Bye for now.

//Sam

Homeless...kinda

Um so I kind of got kicked out, told to move last night, indirectly. I crashed. What I said yesterday about my shakes, yea when upset the get triggered. Was shaking on and off about five hours, which also means I was putting a lot of pressure on my jaw resulting in my having a really hard time going to sleep since my entire jaw was in pain - crying didn't help much either.

So I'm off to talk with my brother and later my dad and stepmum, see what they have to say about it. Should probably also call my mother, but I'll do that when I've talked with my dad. Not really sure where I will go from here, I'm kinda homeless at the time.

I wasn't the only one that got kicked out but both Ken and Ac have parents to go back home to, I'm not sure what I've got. Feeling better then I did about five hours ago(when I was trying to go to sleep) but mostly cause I can maybe have a thought without the headache and jawpain.

Turning of the computer in a bit. Ttyl

Regards Sam

Shakes

Yet another day and another fight - Heh, yes that seems to be the case over here more often then not these days. And as usual I feel even more useless then ever whenever there is a fight and when the screaming starts I will start shaking because of the bad experience I've had. It doesn't matter if the person/persons is screaming at me or at each other I start to shake.
And it is amongst the worst things I know is the feeling I get when someone argues in load voices and the shakes, the shakes are the worst thing...