Three weeks

I wasn't sure if I should write online about it, but I know how I work and if I want to move passed this I need to get it out there.
I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, us, or looking to make anyone uncomfortable BUT as I have written before writing about things is so far the best way for me to work through my issues.

Last year we decided that we would try to expand our family, that we would try to have a child. In January all contraceptives where out, in February I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.
I had gotten pregnant on our "first try". I had expected months of disappointment when my period would arrive but here I was pregnant.
Call gyn and got an appointment for my eight week check up. It got delayed and the week of the check up started with a minor bleeding.
It was nothing to worry about, a little bleeding was nothing out of the ordinary in the beginning.
Tuesday found me bleeding,  less than the day before but now it hurt.
The nurse told me that if it got worse, pain or bleeding, to call again.
Wednesday started alright, in the middle of the day the pain came back in force and I was bleeding like I did on heavy days during my period. When I went to pee and a big clutch of blood and secrete was the result I was edging on a panic attack.
The nurse told me that if I could I should wait to see my doctor in the morning, the ER wasn't as well prepared as my gynaecologist would be but if the pain wasn't bearable I should get to the ER. But even then there wouldn't be anything anyone could do if it was a miscarriage - which she believed it was.
My partner held me as I broke down trying to tell him I most likely had had a miscarriage.

Thursday I got a time to a gynaecologist to confirm. She was a lovely doctor, informed me that it was nothing I had done, nor was there anything I could have done differently. She gave me more information on the vitamins and such I should eat to improve the chances of the next pregnancy - if that was something we would try.
She said that it sadly wasn't that uncommon for a first time pregnancy to end in the first weeks.
The ultrasound show that besides blood my uterus wad empty and that I had in fact had a miscarriage the day before.
I was given a pregnancy test which I am to use four weeks after, if it indicates anything besides the control square I was to contact them again.

That was three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I lost the life growing inside of me. Three weeks of trying to go from finally coming to turns with being pregnant to it not being true.
I was exhausted and to a degree I still am. The little life I had started getting, crushed.

I want to move forward. I want the next time to work better. I want to do something besides locking myself in myself and shutting the outside out... I want to be strong, for myself. I want to be a person and NOT my issues.
I want to be me - who ever that will turn out to be.

Regards
Sam

I don't even

I was talking with my brother earlier, you know the usual stuff, and about how their weekend back home had been.
And just like anyones hometown there are bound to be rumors.
"Did you hear about X? Y told W who told Q who told me that X had___."

An old family friend had heard I was in therapy because my mother had abused ( if we got it right) when I was a kid. So our family friend asked their son (friend of my brother) if maybe they should be there for us.
The son then talked to my brother.

Let's get some things straight, my mother might have abused me Mentally (still in no way ok) and I've been in therapy for just that but my mother has been dead for almost FIVE years. I live in another town with my partner in our apartment with our cats and we're trying to add to our family.
NOTHING anyone has to say or offer can change my childhood or my time as a teen. What my mother did can't be changed.
I've spent over a decade in and out of therapy working on relearning the things she taught me, learning that I am worth something among other things.
So what could possibly be good about trying to "be here for me"? So many years after the fact. I am a child of an addict - I learned to accept that as a fact when I was 19.
I am now five months from turning 27, I have people that support me now especially when I'm not even aware of my need for their support.
And I still have things to work on in my life, will always have some of the past there to remind me of where I don't want to end up.

It's just a little to late. Focus on your own life.
And should you want me something, just to know if what you heard is right, just ask ME instead.

I will go back to my burrito-ing in the sofa.

Stay safe
Sam

Two weeks

It's been two week of this new year and right now I feel utterly useless.
I want to do things I just can't get myself to do them, which makes me feel bad which in turn makes me less likely to do anything - This wonderful circle of Shit.

Stressing over things I really don't even need to stress about!
GAH! I want to say I hate my life - it's the go to thing for me. But I don't. I just hate that I am in this situation and I am not sure what to do to get myself out of it.

My partner tries, and I love him for it. But he shouldn't have to drag me or nag at me for me to do things. It's not right.

I'm in a state of self loathing right now. I want to bury myself in sweets and soda - I can at least say I had maybe one bottle of soda in the last 13 days, which is maybe a sixth of what I drank before. Go progress! Or something.

Still need to exercise. I want to say get back to it - but I am not sure it's "going back to it" when it was never really something I did enough.

Period and low days are NOT a good combination. GAH!

"Feel-Better-About-Myself-In-All-Ways"

Lets get started!

Today is the start of "Feel-Better-About-Myself-In-All-Ways" *chuckles*

Small changes that will make me feel better about myself and my life, little things that really isn't much change from how it is now yet when this year is over I hope to be - not a "better" person, I want to be me. More of me.
Be proud of what I have done, proud of who I am and looking forward to whatever the future will throw my way - Knowing I will survive, I have people that care for me. People that won't judge me if I stumble or even if I fall.

I have learnt that I pressure myself way to much, especially with telling people things I want to try and do for myself - So I will not go in to specifics about WHAT I am going to do but I want to tell others I am giving myself the chance to be 'better' (I really dislike that term for this, but I can't think of a word that would convey what I want to say).

I have several goals for me to get to, some bigger than others but over all they will make me feel more content with myself and my place in this world. I have several things I need to work on within myself as well as thing about my appearance and things around me.

There will be challenges, there will come hardship and I'll want to throw everything out the window but that's when my partner gets to shake some sense back into me. *smiles* I am not doing this alone.

No more "Me against the world"! I am NOT alone.

One thing I did start over a month ago is my writing and I have over 21k words so far and a side story  of a couple of thousand words going right now. I took a 'break' over the holidays, I will NOT push myself with this. This is also something I do to feel better about myself - when I get comments, bookmarks and kudos that makes me feel better but it's not the reason I write, it's a great bonus though.

With that I will hope you all had a great holiday and that this new year will bring at least as much happiness as it might bring you sadness or hardship.

With love
Sam

Maybe, just maybe

DISCLAIMER: This contains things about my family, which might hurt the ones it concerns BUT it is not my intention. I need to vent this. I need to explain my own feelings. And hopefully somethings might become clearer for some of you. And if any of you think I should take this down. Let me know. Also, read to the end.


Growing up I was told this and that about my father, after we almost stopped visiting him I was told by my mother that he didn't want to see us. And kept telling us this and that he didn't like us, yet under all my doubts about him I put him on a pedestal like no matter what he couldn't be worse than my mother, even if he didn't like us or didn't want to see us he never tried to hurt us with words. And I loved him, probably more than I ever did love my mother, and I still love him.

Years went by, we saw our father sporadic, I got disappointed at every event he didn't show up to, he started missing holidays, eventually even birthdays. And it hurt, I couldn't understand how you could just not care about your child, your firstborn, your only daughter. Was my step-mother and youngest brothers so much more important?

When my mother was sent to the hospital, we were sent to live with our father seeing as he had shared custody of me. I wasn't happy about it, I was already depressed, and I was already inflicting pain on myself. Now I know they really tried to get us to feel at home there, but I didn't feel welcome. I always felt like I wasn't wanted so why should they even try to make it look like they did?

Of course I had good times with them, I really did, but the thoughts that they really didn't want me was always there. My step-mother never did the "my kids will have much better things than you", she tried to be a mother to me. But it just seemed fake to me, I was so used to how my mother treated me so anything else just seemed fake and like a bother.

And then at one of the summers, I was around 15-16, my mother had gotten back from the hospital for a while and I just wanted to be back with her, with her I knew where I stood. I knew what I could do to please her, I knew my place.
That summer I was in two plays, during one week I had shows twice a day but not ONCE did my father or step-mother bother to come see it. My mother in her wheelchair came, with my grandmother and my brother.

Eventually I just decided that I would live with her instead.
My father didn't like the idea, we argued over the phone and honestly I do not remember what we really argued about, the only thing I remember is him telling me I was worthless. My world crashed. The pedestal he was on crumbled. And around that time I tried to take my own life for the first time.

"If not even neither of my parents wanted me, why should I waste anyone's time with being here?"

All this got questioned last Friday when I learned that my fathers social-phobia (which I also have) had been just as bad, if not worse than mine. That he had struggled with it almost his entire life. Suddenly him doing his hobby with my brothers with no one else around instead of going to my events made more sense. And I have started questioning all the times he never showed up. Maybe he really couldn't come.
Just like I couldn't even get out of the door, or when I freeze up in a store or when I get a nosebleed from all the stress it causes me to even think about doing anything when there would be others around.

And the biggest question of them all, maybe it wasn't me. Just maybe I wasn't the reason he didn't come. Maybe he did love me back then. Maybe my dad really wanted to be there for me but couldn't.
Maybe I was worth something to him.

Maybe I wasn't the reason.

All of a sudden, my life kind of got turned around. All I thought I knew might not even be true, maybe everything is just what my mind created from the words of others and the actions of someone that couldn't tell me "Why".

I leave, lighter at heart but still a bit lost and confused.
with love
Sam

Feeling better

Last Friday I had an appointment with my doctor, where we decided to raise my medicine dose. And for the first time in several months I have more then one good day in a row.

Yesterday I went, on my own, to one of the biggest shopping centers in our town to buy our Christmas presents for "in-laws" (easiest way to say it). And I also went grocery shopping in the same area.
Note to self: don't go shopping alone if you plan on buy loads of things.

When I got home I wrapped the present, made dinner and played some games.

I had an appointment for my conversational therapy today, but it got reschedule to next week, Monday 14:15.

I have "homework" from my doctor, "To do something for myself once a week, such as go for a coffee or such things".

Feeling much better again, which as always scare me a little.

Well for now, have a good day

Bye

Gaming instead of...well everything

So been down in a slump lately.... I can barely get out from the apartment. Been sick, on and off for over a month, even went to the doctor the other day since my fever keeps coming back but it wasn't anything wrong.

Only nights I've slept the whole night is the nights I have taken sleeping pills which isn't the best, though at least I get some sleep. I try not to take them every night, my therapist says that I should maybe try and take them every night for two weeks and it should help. I just don't know.

With that said, these last days I haven't been able to leave the apartment. I've needed to go to the store for two days, but I just couldn't get my ass out of the door. So I have pretty much just watched series and been playing games, mainly Minecraft with my brother or Prime World (which I started yesterday). Also had a week to play WoW, though I didn't spend much time playing.

At home I feel alright, I mean I feel really safe and I can relax to a point, but when I know I have to be somewhere it's...I get stuck. Sometimes even physically unable to move.

I knew that October-November would be stressful and hard for me, though not yet. Going back to school...yeah...not happening right now. Can't even contact the teacher.

*sigh* Progress to even get this out, even if it's "just" here.