The Sad Hero

The Sad Hero
He is brave, loyal, kind and above everything he is a protector. But you see that smile he has on his lips when you get the chance to see him, it is forced. That care-free attitude of his, it’s his mask for what is really going on.
Our hero is fighting a war whilst he protects us helps us in our own battles, his war is not seen by us, and it is fought inside him, where he built his high walls and his fortress. That impenetrable fortress he started building years ago.
Our hero, our knight in shining armour, is beaten up under it all. Behind the drapery of bravery and courage our hero is like a lonesome wolf left behind by his pack, he is sad and alone.
Wishes are made to that of our hero, a wish to make him see that the wall and the fortress only need to be that of a house and its wooden fence with its open gate, wishes that of happiness for our hero. Our sad hero need not face these battles alone; he has an army to back him up.

Future...

"What is it that you want to with you life?"
If I knew that don't you think that I would have done something about it then? Hmph, I turn twenty-two in four months, I have lived about a forth of my life (hopefully less) and I have done nothing to show for this time...

I wish I knew how to figure out what to do. I wish I had the strength to actually find out...

Friends in rough spot

Life hasn't been the greatest as of late, not for me or for some of my friends. One of my friends lost her mother to suicide, another might lose his girlfriend, a third lost his job, a relitive is having health problems, my grandmother was in an accident when riding a bus (hit her head and hips, has to walk with cruches for a couple of weeks), I could probably name even more things that seems to be going wrong for friends and family. And I am helpless, mostly since it's pretty useless trying to help a friend when you can't even help yourself.

On with some better news, my mother is coming home on Thursday. She's apparently feeling pretty well. A friend has gotten less to do at work, meaning she won't work herself to death within the next year or so. My cusins kid is turning three on Thursday, looking forward to the birthday party :)

And some "IDK how I feel about this" news, my mother asked me to move in with her now that she's coming home, or rather she asked me to move in when she gets the new apparment. Though she wants to know before that since she needs to apply for a bigger place if I move in...

At the keys
Sam

Writing....

Took a holiday from me, yes I guess that’s exactly what you did. Where did you go? Why did you leave? I’ve waited for so long for you to come back, come back to me. My heart have stopped beating for you, my heart has almost stopped beating entirely. My reason for living left when you did. I guess what I could give was not enough for you. Still I wonder where you went.

I never knew that I could feel like this, for anyone else. I didn’t know that a single touch could make me feel such pleasure and pain at the same time. I didn’t think hearing him utter his feelings towards her would ever hurt this much. I’ve had crushes before, I’ve loved before, but never have I felt this way. Never felt so torn within myself, with my own feelings, like this. All this for someone, I never thought I could love as something else than a friend.

I wish I had words that could put these feelings into words for him, so that he could understand just what it is he’s doing to me. “I love you” is just not enough. I never thought those three words would be inadequate; I didn’t think they could be.

“Listen to your heart”, how am I supposed to do that? I can’t hear it from the entire racket all-around me. People telling me to do this, do that, and were will I ever have time to listen to my own heart? What my heart wants doesn’t seem to be able to let out a cry for help anymore; it feels like it might just give in.

It feels like I am watching everyone else live their lives whilst I, myself, just watch from the side line, by now I thought I would have started a family. That I would have that special someone in my life, though I do have a special someone, and that person can’t look my way – He never could, probably never will. I wish that I could look another way, just maybe I could find that someone that would love me back.

But how do you forget and move on? You never really forget do you, but how do you manage to move on? Where do you start? “One foot in front of the other”, “One step at the time”, I wonder.

I wish there were something I could tell myself that would make me feel like there actually where some chance for me at all. I wish I could stop doing this self-torture I do on a day-to-day basis. But nothing seems to help. Every time I try to make a change something inside me screws it up. There’s no one else but me, I am the obstacle I lay out for myself to stumble upon when something starts to look brighter.

I am the only thing between me and my dream.

The Vampire Diaries

When I saw the commercial I thought “What is this shit?! I’m so not gonna watch it.” But after my dear cousin ‘Gina told me that she loved the series I said I would give it a chance. And guess what, I really like it. I might actually love it.
I love the way they turn, I mean for once it’s not just get bitten drink the vampires’ blood and you’ll turn, you actually have to die before even being able to turn.
They can’t be in sun light, unless wearing this erm stone.
I’m not sure how well it’s doing with guys but I can understand why it’s going to so well with girls.
So if you like vampires, witches, or maybe a little drama this might just be the series for you ;) Give it a chance ^^
At the keys
Sam

Name day

At first I was going to write a fairly sad post about something that has happened but I just got a text from a friend of mine congratulating me on my “Name day” and I just had to write something else.  My friend,  Jenny, haven’t sent me a text in ages even if we’ve started meeting up again we haven’t talked over the phone or sent any texts since I was in eighth grade.  And I was not feeling all too well but now I can’t seem to stop smiling, what something so small can do.

So what’s been going on in my life as of late? First off I start school next month, looking forward to it, Math and English as my first two subjects.  Second I will be able to have job practice whilst I study, since I will only have classes in English.

Still have to apply for work, even if I start school next month, which feels a bit useless but I have to do it.

Wish it could stop snowing and get warmer now, I really love snow I do, but I was hoping for warmer weather before grandmas birthday – Then again there’s still time to get warmer by the 23th of March. I’ve promised to help bake cakes, buns and cookies for her birthday. Looking forward to it, and I’m a little scared as well, she’s turning eighty. I know she can’t live forever but now it’s started to show just how old she really is.

I’m currently at my best friends’ parents’ house, alone (!).  His parents are in Thailand and he’s housesitting, more looking after his sisters than anything but yeah. And me and another friend went out here last night and now his sisters are in school, he’s at work and our friend is at a meeting (then school), meaning I’m alone (with five cats). And as usual my fingers itching – wanting to clean, but I’m not sure where everything goes meaning I might just do more damage than good if I clean.

Now a little sadder update – My mother’s in the hospital again. She can’t move her legs and have little to no control over her arm and she can’t pee or take a ‘dump’.  Her HB was bad as some of the other test she had done. Thus she’s in the hospital, they’re fixing her dosage of her meds and checking if they might have damaged one of the glands (bikörtel) in her throat when they removed thyroid gland and some (19) of the other glands with tumors. And I have a bad feeling that she hasn’t been taking her meds like she should, I know I should try and believe her when she says that she’s taking them but I really can’t.  Well hopefully it will get better now that she’s in the hospital, it’ll give grandma a chance to think about everything as well.

Well now I’m going to make me something to eat, have a nice day people.

At the keys

Sam

Weekend

Hiya guys, at a friends place at the moment. Borrowing his sisters computer, very nice of her I might add. Tired as hell, but promised to watch a movie with the guys. Then I'll fall asleep like the instance I rest my head on the pillow. Well I hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll try and get on to write about the stuff that's happen as of late - a lot of things have happened.

at the keys
Sam

Doesn't concern me

I cry for something that doesn't concern me
because it reminds me about what used to be
reminds me about those night crying myself to sleep

I cry because I am scared
scared for something that has nothing to do with me
because it reminds me of what used to be

Reminds me about the fights that started about me
the fights that turned into screams because of me

Because of my past I cry for something that doesn't concern me
Because of my past I am scared for something that has nothing to do with me

It reminds me...

Because

I forgave and I forgot
because you wanted me to
I put up with the bullshit
because you believe it
I never hurt you
because you were hurt
I listened to your excuses
because you were afraid to see the truth
But now I can't really do that...

I will on the other hand ALWAYS
be there for you,
when you need one to hold your hand,
when you nag about school or work,
when you just need someone to lean on
I will be there
because I love you

"Poems"

~Void~
You stole from me
what I never could from you
Leaving an empty void
where it used to be
What you stole;
I would gladly have given

if this void
could been filled

~ 24th of November ~

~ You take 'n take ~
You take what you have
then you take what
comes you by

Never caring what it does
to us
your family 'n friends

As long as you get high
nothing else matters

~Starting over~
Wanting something so bad
yet every time you try
you get slapped in the face
Because you weren't as ready
as you thought you were

Back to square one
Starting over...
You just don't know if you'll survive
another; Failure

Starting over takes so much out of you,
will you be able to start over?

~27th of May 2008~

Parasite

“I was 13 when I was forced into adulthood, I was 14 when my world crumbled down, I was 15 when I tried to kill myself for the first time, 16 when I tried making it better, 17 when I thought my life was over, 18 when I stopped believing all the lies, I was 19 when I finally understood what was going on and that I needed to get out. “

“But it has to stop, because if it doesn’t I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t mean to worry you but this is what I feel. I am fully aware that there are people out there that care for me. But what good does that do when I can’t even care for myself? “

“My problems may not be how I should dress to get as many to buy my body for their use. My problems is not how to put food on the table for my children since their father left with all our saving, neither is my problems that I do not have a roof over my head or cloths on my body. No my problems may not be that extreme, but they are mine and they causes pain in my heart and soul. “

“But as an empty shell I continued my life. “

“I don’t think I will be able to do this. Scared, afraid, that is what I am. I am in no condition to do things like this, but I am so sick of disappointing my family. They may say that they aren’t disappointed at me but they are. I can see it and it hurts. They are hurt, because of me. “

“I have repelled most of my friends because of this ‘bitchy-know-it-all-don’t-care’-attitude. I have lost trust from my own family because of my own continues failures. “

“I don’t know what I have to do to make things right in my life. I really don’t. I can’t seam to realize it either. I need to clean up my life… I just don’t know where to start. “

“I am sorry for getting peoples hope up. I am sorry for feeling weak… “

“Guilt, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Disappointment they all were there.
They are all still here, just not as present as they were yesterday, Depression was soon followed by Pain neither one will leave me now. How much I may pray for them to leave they won’t leave… “

Just read through a lot of texts I've written during these last three years - and for some reason nothing seems to have changed. I'm still the same as I were three years ago - I might just be the same as I was seven years ago when my mother was admitted to the hospital. I say I want to change the way I am - yet I do nothing to change it. I say I want to do something with my life - yet I only make myself feel bad.

That seems to be the only thing I am capable of doing is just that hurting myself, and those around me. I'm like a parasite, living of other peoples money, hard work, and their feelings...

Looking to deep

Okay so I just read a friends blog post, about how he sees himself, and it got me thinking about how I see myself. And at first I thought I would do something similar to what he did, but I don't think I can do that, because I don't think I want to look that deep into myself just yet. Since what I would find wouldn't be pretty, not one bit actually.

As I might have said before, I ain't really that good of a person I tend to paint up for everyone else. I lie to, cheat on and betray people that I say that I love. I in a way like seeing people get hurt - mentally more than anything. And yet in a way I want everyone around me to be happy - hypocrite of the century.
You see a wrote I text about one of the things I am/need : Power of Control http://unelore.deviantart.com/art/Power-of-control-126880012  I guess you could place this under some kind of "God-complex" but I am not really sure. Heh, and I said I wouldn't look deep into myself - well this isn't all that deep within me now is it?!

Before I get to annoyed/angry/depressed with myself today I'm going to search for some jobs and check with the school about going back...

//Sam

Text: Against cold and sorrow

“Against cold and sorrow”

Friends

When you stumble and fall they will be there to pick you up, lending a hand.

When you are standing out there in the cold,
They will open their door to let you inside, to keep you warm.

When the tears are rolling down your cheeks and it feels like nothing will be okay.
Your friends will be there to wrap their arms around you, telling you ‘Everything will be alright.”

They will be the ones to cheer you up, when you’re down and feeling low.

They might make you cry, but rest assure that a true friend will stand by your side through cold and sorrowful nights you wouldn’t get through alone.

And more than anything they will be the ones to make you smile.

Story one: Christmas

I’m sitting in my kitchen looking out through my window. Looking at the snow hitting the porch and the windows; it’s early in the morning the sun has yet to rise. I’m just sitting here, gazing out on the lake, the mountains and the forest that surrounds my house. Just sitting, drinking ice cold milk in my newly bought wine glasses.

Last night I had one of my parties, this time of year a Christmas party, for my friends and their families, husbands, wife's, partners, children. It where around thirty people here last night, celebrating Christmas Eve, not counting the waiters, chefs and other staff members. You see when throwing parties like this I take help from my restaurants, and for once my brother was not in the kitchen. He is working with me in one of the restaurants. For once he and his wife could enjoy the party, without him having to work. But to my despair their daughter Sarah, is with our mother tonight. Since she, our mother, is going away the day after tomorrow… rehab once again.

In just a few hours the others will wake up, we’ll eat and then open presents. That means that in about an hour, Jane and Jimmy’s coming to help me serve breakfast. Making breakfast for thirty people isn’t that hard, at least not in my kitchen. But getting them all breakfast is the hard part. And since I don’t want to bother my friends… either way you’re maybe wondering how I can have thirty people sleeping here, aren’t you?

Well a couple of years ago I took some time to figure out what I wanted to do in life, I got back to school and with savings and a loan I started my first restaurant, together with my brother. And it didn’t go great from the beginning but after some struggles our restaurant got nice reviews and we got big. Now 15 years later we have restaurants all over the world, Spain, France, China, Japan, Australia amongst other.
During the years in school and up starting of the restaurants I didn’t find time for friends or family. Sure I did have a few loose relationships with both men and women. But I never got close, never let them know ‘real’ me. And now you all think of me as an evil bitch or a player of sort. And I guess I am. But can’t handle my own family, not a boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter, nor can I handle to have my own child. Taking care of my nieces, nephews and friends children isn’t that hard, I love children and they love Aunt Sandra. I can spoil them rotten without having to deal with the punishment when they don’t clean their rooms or don’t do their homework, because that’s the parent’s job. Not the cool Aunts.
And no there isn’t something wrong with how I look, I can’t complain about being rejected and that’s why I don’t have a ‘real’ relationship. But I just don’t want it; I am not built for relationships on that level.

I am happy with my life, I fulfilled my dream to open my own restaurant, I have my dream house where I can entertain all my friends and their families. And speaking about entertaining friends, my old friend came back to town with his wife and child, all the way from Australia. I hadn’t seen them since I opened the restaurant in Sydney, four years ago. Their daughter is turning out to be quite the beauty, I adore her. They also brought some of our other friends from Australia. I feel happy when I see them.
And some of my friends from England came, with their families. It feels nice seeing everyone again. It’s been such a long time since we last met all of us together like this. This is one of the best Christmas I have ever spent.

“Aunt Sandra?” A small girl, just around five walked into the kitchen.
“Hi there honey, what are you doing up so early? Is mommy and daddy still asleep?”
“I couldn’t sleep any longer. Yes they're still asleep.”
“You want some milk and cookies?” I asked and walked over to the fridge.
“Yes please.” I smiled at her as she took a seat next to where I sat. “Auntie?”
“Yes dear?” I pored her some milk and took out the cookie jar I kept next to the fridge and handed her a cookie.
“Did Santa come during the night?”
“Of course he did. He even ate all the cookies we made him.”
“Hey auntie, got any milk for the rest of us?” I turned and watched as my two nephews, my niece and three of my friends’ kids walk in.
“Well I can even make you guys some hot chocolate and then we can watch some TV before your parents wake up.” They all shined up and smiled at me. “Now why don’t you go out and watch TV and I’ll come with the chocolate in a minute.”
“Yay!” They rushed out of the kitchen.
“Kids.” I smiled as I brought out some more milk and the chocolate.

“Sandra?”
“Yes?” I looked down at the boy in my knee, he have just turned four.
“This is the best Christmas, ever!”
“Yes auntie, let’s spend all the Christmas here!” My youngest nephew said.
“You won’t be saying that in a few years, Tim. Trust me you won’t.” They all said they wanted to spend their Christmas at my house, since they could be with their families and their friends at the same time. I just nodded in agreement.

No country for old men

Just watched "No country for old men" staring - Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, at first I never thought I would actually see this movie, brushed is off as "Not my type of film." But after getting the order to get the movie and that we would see it later today I really didn't have much say in the matter - Mind you I did mix it up with a completely different movie when the guys started talking about it yesterday/day before.
And I must say it was a good film, worth watching no doubts. What got me to like this movie most were that it was a quite movie, no music in the background, nothing to suggest what would be in store. Usually no music means you lose the 'flow' of the movie some-what, but this little over two hour film, never once felt slow or that nothing where happening - even when nothing really was happening it was okay. And it was some-what of an "open"-ending, sure you get a closure but there are still some loose ends, and for once that doesn't bother me.

Well -even though it's almost 23:00 over I'm gonna take a shower and then the bed awaits.

So long for now
At the keys
Sam

Sexuality - Right or wrong?!

I've just been notified about just how wrong my feelings( and as he said needs) towards the women I've loved were, how the devil have planted those feelings in my mind. Seriously, I thought I would fall of my chair at least once, so much did I laugh (Or rather it started as laughter then I had a coughing fit, still sick). I thought I knew this man, but how during these years I could have missed the fact that he believed so strongly is beyond me.

During the last two hours he have told me how wrong he thinks my sexuality is, that he can't understand how I can have the same feelings towards a woman as I have towards a man. He has a real hard time understanding how someone can love someone of the same sex, or rather the thing he has a problem for is the fact that he can't understand how someone can have sexual feelings towards someone of the same sex and actually enjoy doing sexual things with someone of the same sex.

And I'm a little sorry to say that I don't see him in the same light anymore, he's almost like a complete different person now then last time I spoke to him. I won't shut him out of my life, he respects me and as long as he does that and don't try, again, to convince me that I live my life in sin I'll consider him a friend.

Well now I have to get something to eat because I have no energy left - I hate being sick!
At the keys
Sam

Feeling welcome

Oh how I love my family - really they throw away things that are mine without asking me if I want them, putting my things away when I told them I would come get them in a week or so - and then they ask why I don't want to spend time with them!?

I love my family I do - but I guess that's just because I have to more then anything right now. Having a mother that destroyed my childhood, a father that was never there (both because mother wouldn't let him and because he didn't try enough), and a brother who has no respect for what's mine....

*sigh* I was hoping today would be a fairly good day but as it is right now, I have little hope of it going the "right" way from here...

Hope you have a better day then my morning where...

At the keys
Sam

Christmas

Morning people - and what a beautiful morning it is.

The snow lying as a cover on the ground and Christmas music playing through the speakers...and I still have so much to do this morning before I can relax with a shower.

At three our families are coming over for Christmas dinner, meaning we will be 21(22 if my brother comes along) people. And yesterday we brought tables, porslin and chairs - I made most of the food yesterday but I still have a few things that needs to be done. Made ribs for the fist time in my life, boiled ham for the first time, pealed potatoes 4kg, meatballs...and probably something else. Can't even remember everything I've made...

Well now I need to return to the kitchen, I hope your Christmas was a wonderful time.

At the keys
Sam

On the road part 2

Hi guys - Now I'm on my way back home now, in the car with my aunt and her husband. He's the one driving. I'm looking forward to coming home again =) I'll probably be home again in about three and a half hour - earlier if there's good on the road. But right now it's snowing so I hope it will go well for us - I'm not doubting Mikaels ability to drive, it's the other drivers I doubt.

Wilda, is currently sleeping here in the backseat next to me. She's gonna be so "dead" when they get back home after Christmas. She's meeting my grandmother and my other two aunts and their families for the first time tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Heh, well now I'm gonna play some games before the battery dies.

Merry Christmas

at the keys
Sam

Over the hills and far away

So my plan on actually sitting down and writing now that I'm at my aunts, yea that plan went over the hills and far away.... Seriously, I thought that I would do some writing while I was here but I leave tomorrow - And I've been here one and a half week already... God time flies. I'm not sure where December went this year because one moment I was looking forward to the first advent and next thing I know it's two days 'til Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas - this will be the first year I'm not celebrating with anyone from my family, actually I'm not even visiting any of them Christmas eve. Even if I've spent most of Christmas eve with others I've always visited my mother, grandparents and/or my father. And this year I'm not even doing that. Feels a little weird to be honest. It's just going to be me and a friend of mine. And well Ac and Ken will both be back later on Christmas eve, since they are apparently sleeping at home. Not that I mind.

Today is a very beautiful winter day, probably a little to cold for my clothing today but yeah. I'll be taking my aunts dog for a walk in a bit. Get some fresh air.

At the keys
Sam